Feel terrible about my therapy
Hey all,
So I've been in therapy since the beginning of this year and I just don't really know what to feel anymore and it is so frustrating so I thought I'd try and post about it here
Basically, I've been in therapy for a few months and it was great, I was improving etc. However, a few weeks ago I asked my therapist after a session in a direct message whether she could call me since something left me really triggered (all our contact is covered by insurance). I noted in my message it could wait but that I was feeling really triggered
She called me, but felt a little bit angry? She was a lot shorter in her replies, which I chalked up to her just being busy. However, at the end of the telephone convo (the things she said put me at ease about the issue taht triggered me) she said that "I shouldn't take it personal if she didn't have time to call me next time" and also "that she hoped I'd develop more trust so we could talk about my topics during therapy hours instead of outside" (the trust comment referred to that I have low trust due to previous experience completely separate from this therapy)
The above 2 comments left me flustered afterwards and I feel like they really hurt me. I feel hurt because I noted in my initial comment that the issue could wait until next session, so I'm not sure why she said that comment about talking during therapy hours instead of outside of therapy hours. We talked about it next session and she said I should determine when I message her the urgency which again hurt me because I feel like I already did so. I asked her why she called me when my message stated it wasn't urgent and she said she wasn't sure she could go by my words since she hasn't known me for that long (which makes me feel like she didn't trust the words in my initial message).
We've talked about it since but I feel so stuck in the issue. She said she wasn't angry on the phone. Also, she says that she can accept we both have our own respective experiences in this and wants to explore my reaction but meanwhile I still feel unsecure since the exchange caught me off guard so much.
I really am not sure how to continue since we talked about it since in a number of sessions but it comes back to "you had your experience in this, I had mine" and I feel 0 validation in being hurt by the exchange. It frustrates me to no end since she's been great otherwise and helped me so much in the first few months of therapy but I have no idea how to proceed since I simply don't feel that secure as long as this is left in the air.
Not sure if I'm looking for advice but if any person has any I'll gladly take it. There was other stuff that made me slightly awkward (she seemed insecure about contact outside of session before when she called ME and seemed insecure but I dismissed it back then as a character quirk) but I find this so difficult. More than anything I wish she'd just say something like "o yea I was a bit pressured for time so you may have picked up on that" or "I realize I may have been a little bit too direct in expressing myself but you did well to send your message" but I'm not getting anything in that direction. Not sure if that is too much to ask but the whole thing bugs me endlessly and I just needed to vent
@easyOak7689 Hi. Sorry you’re struggling with this. A therapist/client relationship is something important so it makes sense that you would feel some conflict. Just a rhetorical question here: Can you resolve this without any more discussion with the therapist? You have said that this therapist is helping you. You seem to be investing a lot of emotional energy on trying to elicit the “right” response from the therapist. Is that the best use of your energy?
@hopefulPond6108
You are right. I guess I feel a disconnect and am trying to bridge that, but it has already taken so much energy and at this point I'm simply not sure what to say. I'm just so so sad about this whole situation and would love her support so much at this difficult time in my life. But I've already tried for weeks. Am going to write a message outlining my feelings and telling her I need more, but even the prospect of ending it will just be devastating and such a loss for me
@easyOak7689
Unfortunately I feel many a person recently do not simply clear the air or say I am sorry for the miscommunication ...
many things could be it .. pressed for time/ having a bad day even not feeling well...... it used to be smile and suck it up for the customer / client .........and not expect them to just deal with it......
if it is still bothering you after this time ........ do you want a change... is this going to be there from now on.... waiting for something from her has come and past not gonna happen at this point
@toughTiger6481
I think you are right, though I just want to explore every option. But I've written a message outlining my feelings and the fact that I need something more to move on than given so far. She has a supervisor that may jump in, maybe she'll add something to the discussion, otherwise I'm not sure what there is to be done. It just hurts because I'm in a difficult living situation and being able to have support would be so important, I don't have any in real life people to fall back on and going on alone at this point would just be such a trial
@easyOak7689
Well, had another session. Beforehand I thought we might have had a chance to talk it over reach an agreement of some sort, or see eye-to-eye but we pretty much stumbled on the same issue again.
I feel so so sad. I loved therapy so much with her and really did learn a lot so I'm grateful for that. At the end we scheduled a session with her supervisor so I can talk things over (I haven't talked with her supervisor who oversees my treatment too yet) and am hoping to get somewhere maybe with that conversation. Yet at the end of our session there was another weird thing where she seemed REALLY insecure again about booking another session. She also was noticeably reeling about the conversation and said she didn't really know how to best schedule or contact me so I kind of took over from her. She actually said that she didn't want to do anything wrong in contacting me which again startled me and does make me feel like it's a good thing to talk to her supervisor to see if that maybe elucidates things for me.
Just feel so terrible. She's helped me SO MUCH early in our therapy with getting closure in some things that were really weighing heavy on me and am grateful for that regardless. Maybe the talk with the supervisor will bring about something, though I don't even know at this point.
Well final follow up, wish it would be a happy message but not quite the case. Since all the drama with my therapist her supervisor took over the tehrapy (though I did not feel great about that - it happened really sudden in my experience). It felt like I was still really in my feelings about the therapy with my therapist but they told me "she wasn't a good match" and wanted me to continue on with someone else but that felt so horrible to me. They later said they may be able to arrange a farewell session with my therapist (why wasn't it arranged in the first place? feels so vague) but by that point everything already felt like it turned sour. Yesterday there was another talk with the supervisor but it felt so terrible and I panic-sent a message about cancelling the whole treatment and they called 3 hours later to finalize ending treatment even though I felt like I had sent the message waaay too definitively but it didn't matter it basically ended right then and there 😭 (didn't even allow me to read a summary letter to my GP - she recited it on the phone and I had to state on the phone whether to sent it or not which just felt so bizarre) and she wished me good luck in the future. Really just feels so terrible, but then she did call again 2 hrs later saying she changed her mind and I can decide in a months time after all (why not state that in the first place? so confusing since they just said it was done and now it isn't?)
Know I'm venting but the whole thing just feels so bizarre. The person I'm in contact with (new temporary therapist) went on vacation yesterday so I won't be able to finalize unless I wait a month till she's back and can't talk in the meantime with anyone else there (they closed me file, though I'm also not sure I would want to given I'm experiencing so much uncertainty about my therapy experience with the practice). Just such a mess and I'm so sad about how everything just felt like it developed into a trainwreck which has me just so upset