Feeling down :(

Hi everyone

i am a 22 year old struggling with a lot of anxiety. For context, I moved to another country for undergrad when I was 19

ive been feeling very lonely, isolated and down for the past few years, it has improved but it comes back in waves. Now I live in another city, one of my parents works from time to time in canada so I feel better supported staying with them. However I also feel since I moved to another city after graduating I don’t have any friends I can meet or talk to in person which affects my mental health a bit. Also there are some things I can’t share with my parent as I would with a friend. This makes me feel very lonely.

I feel this issue stemmed from homesickness and issues with my friends initially. I had a friend who I was very close to during my initial years of study, however she stopped hanging out with me and ghosted me after a point. I felt really hurt, confused by this. Idk if I did or said something to hurt her feelings. During this period I was also dealing with a lot of homesickness, and the winter months affected me since I hadn’t been to my home country in a year. When I reached out a year later to talk about this, she said it was nothing to do with me, but because she had some issues that she was dealing with and that I reminded her of someone she had a fight with in the past

idk if it was this issue specifically or something else that affected me but I have a very hard time opening up to people even if they may be very close to me now

i also experienced sexual abuse during a period of my life, pre teens/ earlier . I don’t remember much about this because I blocked out a lot of memories . I have talked to a therapist just once about this but unfortunately I can’t see her anymore because she doesn’t work with the same clinic I go to

i feel like nobody will understand what I have experienced unless they have personally gone through something similar, so I wish to find a support group for the same. I feel my friends or close ones will negatively judge me because of this experience even tho it was not my fault. I don’t know why I keep feeling they will think less of me or feel like I have issues and stop hanging out with me.

i am in a long distance relationship with my

very loving boyfriend who supports me a lot. He is a kind and empathetic listener. he knows about this and he doesnt judge me harshly. However when we have fights, or when he is dealing with his own problems I do not want to bother him. sometimes if he asks me what’s wrong I cannot tell him because I have so much anxiety about whether I am bothering him or not and I feel I am tiring him if I need a lot of reassurance so it feels easier to keep to myself and go silent

i have friends, but I don’t have a friend group and struggle with this from time to time .

additionally, I don’t open up much about my feelings to my friends even though I would like to sometimes but I always feel I am going to bother them or be a burden. And I struggle with lot of anxiety before I have to go to social situations, I need to stay home for many hours before I go to them

when I go out to crowded places I feel very overwhelmed by the number of ppl there too and I feel panicky and paranoid that I am going to get stared at or experience something bad in public places like a train or bus, bc there have been instances where a guy has made me feel uncomfortable by inappropriately touching me or just by staring. I feel like even if it is some thing small that I experienced I get scared and paranoid to go out

I would really appreciate some advice from an empathetic listener or anyone. If anyone has had similar experiences please message me

i really would appreciate someone I can talk to