Healthy Boundaries during a sex/porn addiction chat
Hi all,
I have seen a few posts about the difficulty in finding a listener to help with sex or porn addictions. I wanted to write a helpful post for those listeners who are interested in learning how to listen and support those with sex addiction, and for members who are searching for a listener to help to overcome the reluctance listeners may have.
Information for listeners
Sex and porn addiction can feel intimidating for listeners for a lot of reasons. There are some members who use 7cups to flirt and try to start relationships, and they often start their chats by talking about either sexual dysfunction or addiction, or about loneliness. Sometimes this causes listeners to write off all members who discuss anything sexual because they are assuming that this is one of "those" chats. The key to deal with this isn't necessarily to say you don't take any chats of any sexual nature, the fact is that sexual problems come up in MANY mental illnesses, and to write it off completely I don't think is necessarily most listener's goal. Generally, listeners are just trying to stay safe. To help with this, you can put in your bio that you are not using 7cups as a dating site, and in your intro message to a member, you can talk about your boundaries about sexual chats. Specifically you can say that you will not discuss anything about YOUR sexuality or behaviour, because this chat is not about you. I find that this dissuades those trying to flirt with me.
Problems with sexual dysfunction or addiction can be the exact same as chats about any distressing topic, it really requires the listener to create a safe, professional, and non-judgemental space for the member to talk, same as you would for any issue. It is ok to discuss boundaries before the chat begins, perhaps with certain words that are off limits, or certain questions. It is ok to keep a dialogue open about how both of you are coping with the conversation. It is ok to not understand or connect with something a member is saying. Ask questions just like you would in any chat.
People with sexual addictions normally have a lot of shame and guilt, so refusing all of these members based on a few bad experiences is not fair to them and can be seen as actually damaging because they're being rejected yet again. As a listener you are completely entitled to have some topics you don't feel comfortable talking about, I am only encouraging you to challenge yourself to actually have one of these chats to see they are really no different from your other chats and it is your own bias making you unable to take these chats. Challenge your bias, look at it like any other addiction.
Obviously please don't push yourself if you're sure you will be triggered. I am simply advocating on behalf of a group that needs more help than they can find because of an unfair bias.
Information for Members
To overcome some of this listener bias about sex and porn addiction, try your best to remain as transparent and professional as you can. The reason listeners balk at these chats is because a lot of them in the past have resulted in being flirted with and harassed, ultimately causing them to block members. As a listener, this is VERY upsetting. No one wants to block a member and they really only do so to protect themselves. Create some agreements before you get into the nitty-gritty of your chat. Be clear about your triggers and what you actually want to get out of the chat. If you make it clear that this is a support chat like any other, it may be easier for the listener to overcome their worry about the content.
Your addiction is like any other, but sex and porn addictions are especially stigmatized because of sex being a "normal" human thing to do, it is difficult for most people to understand, and people may have a bias about it not being real, and being simply an impulse control issue.
If a listener is unable to do the chat, please don't take it personally. I know it's tough and frustrating, but this is not about you, it is either their past experiences tainting their ability to help you or they are unfit to take this topic. There is always a chance that they literally have had sexual trauma, and talking to people about a sexual issue may be too painful for them, which is very fair.
At the end of the day, your recovery is your responsibility. Try your best to set your listener up for success by creating a professional space, keep communication open and be honest with each other about your limits. We can only build this together, listeners and members working together to be respecful and put in the effort to keep each other safe.
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Do you have anything you would add to either section? I am not claiming to be an expert, but only soemone who has seen a decent amount of both sides of this issue.
Feel free to add any tips for setting members and lsiteners up for success in a sex/porn addiction chat.
@Hoxenos
I really love this post. Thank you so much for sharing the information for both listeners and members.
@BlueSkyR
Thank you for your feedback! I think that we can't expect listeners to have the same professional and ethical standards as therapists who learn this stuff for many years, but at the same time, those with sex and porn addictions deserve to receive the support they need as well. No one should slip between the cracks on 7cups. I see it as we all need to be working together and communicating boundaries and needs together. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt and showing respect wherever we can is essential. :)
@Hoxenos
I must say this post was quite brilliant and I thank you! This was well thought out and has value to listeners as well as members. As for me, my very first time taking a chat as a listener was about something sexual in nature. I feel as if my member was a great team mate for me! Even if it wasn't something that I engage in, never have and never would....as long as I don't have a trigger in those areas........well, just as you said......a good listener is simply a good listener no matter what the chat topic is. Judgement free zone and we all are different as people.
My member was very sincere, I was not being used as a masturbatory tool, my member was as "clinical" as they could possibly be considering the somewhat graphic nature of the chat and what did need to be said in an effort for them to express themselves. This person needed to talk. This person was questioning. And this person did feel the need to "paint a picture" for me with words for me to understand. Words do have meaning.
I can understand why listeners "lock" up, "shut down" may be quick to jump to conclusions as this can be a problem from time to time with those who are less than sincere. My feelings are that if you keep an open mind and assume that everyone is being genuine as we are supposed to do, give it a bit, be patient, see how this plays out. Could be one of the best and most productive chats you have ever had with using your trained active listening skills and see if you as a listener can truly do this.
In addition, I have to say, a very wise person that is a listener on this site once said........well, even if what they are trying to do is one of those things that would be considered as being here for the wrong reasons..........why not still plug in and ask some questions? Maybe these are people that need to have a chat with a trained active listener even more than they understand. We can still ask open ended questions I imagine as well as do you suffer from loneliness? Is it hard for you to meet someone to have a relationship with? Why do you think that is? What do you feel are your challenges with meeting someone of the opposite sex? Do you have anxiety, self esteem issues that are thwarting the process? Maybe we could talk about all of that? Anyway, great post and *high fives*! 
@SparkyGizmo
These were all great points! A part of me wanted to touch on your last one, that people are still on a support seeking website for a reason, even if they have a hard time disclosing why and hide behind these other behaviours. But I didn't want it to take away from my main point of the post, so I'm super happy that you added it in the comments, because it's so important! In sex and porn addictions, there is so much shame and guilt and misplaced sexual feelings, that sometimes things may come off as flirting unintentionally, and it's important for us to validate the feeling and explore where it came from instead of writing someone off. Everyone matters and they're here for a reason. It's only through mutual respect and communication can we build the healthy boundaries to support members when these things happen. But at the same time, out of respect, members need to register these habits within themselves and always strive for honesty. That's why teamwork is especially important in this! Thanks so much for your story and addition!
@Hoxenos
Hello there, hope you're fine.
I think that it's useful to also remember that there is the 'sexual health' topic members can select on HERE in order to be connected with listeners that take chats to support people needing to share about their issues.
That can help the member to see who can give them support on their topic.
Cheers!
@LoveMyRotty
*high fives* another great addition to the post! 
I think it's great for a listener to understand that if it's a chat that they are unable to take,remain in any longer, to know how to go to the LSR, say the chat topic in 5 words or less and see if someone can pick up the chat for them. And just as you said, if that does not become an option to help your member on how to utilize the "browse listener" page and tell them about all of the filters that can be used to narrow down their selection!
@SparkyGizmo
* high fives * SparkyGizmo!
Yes, now we have mentioned all the options, good to also remember how listeners can organize things the moment in which they are with someone whose topic is not something they take!
Thank you for that 
@Hoxenos Interesting post! Some comments…
Sex addiction and porn addiction are not official medical diagnoses, according to the American Psychiatric Association's current publication DSM-5. They have been accepted as diagnoses in the past, but they were removed from the DSM in 1994. There is still some disagreement among professionals about this, and the situation might change in future.
See, for example: Sexual Addiction, Hypersexual Disorder and the DSM-5: Myth or Legitimate Diagnosis?
So listeners should probably be careful not to reinforce the idea that these are real disorders at present, because a member's psychiatrist or therapist might completely disagree. But listeners should not reject the idea either, for the same reason!
My guess is that for someone obsessed with sex or porn, the likely modern diagnosis would be obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), whether or not the person suffers from compulsive behaviour. But I am not an expert and this is just a guess based on what I've read.
OCD can be treated very effectively, but it's generally accepted that listeners should not try to advise members about medical treatment. See, for example: Primarily Obsessional OCD Symptoms and Treatments
In general, if a member seems to be obsessed by XYZ (which might be sex, porn or something else), and I allow the member to chat to me about XYZ, then I would worry that I'm reinforcing the obsession and making recovery less likely. So I generally try not to do that.
This is not because I have anything against chatting about certain subject matter. I'm happy to chat about anything, including sex and porn. Instead, it's because I remind myself that 7 Cups is here to provide emotional support. I try to focus the chat on how the member feels about the obsession, not on the content of the obsession.
On the other hand, I don't go as far as to suggest treatment for the obsession, even though the treatment would probably work, because it is not for listeners to give medical advice.
Charlie
When you have been in a relationship with one person for a long time, it is very difficult to surprise him with something. I decided that I needed to try something new. I consulted with my friend and he told me to go there, said that there you can read a lot about different fetishes. It seems to me that this is just wonderful. I will try!
