Addiction Recovery My Journey.

Although I have only been sober for a short time, I am already seeing many positive results in my life and the potential for big things. Seriously, beating this addiction is probably one of the most monumental undertakings of my entire life. To an outsider it may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is, because I have been struggling to overcome this for such a long time. 

One notable area of my life where I am finding healing is that of guilt and shame. I felt extremely guilty and ashamed, and this had many negative and destructive affects on my relationships and mental health. It was also very bad for my self esteem and confidence.

It's a liberating thought that I don't have to feel guilty and ashamed anymore. I am just sad that it's only coming at such a late stage in my life. I can now see that this addiction was like a cancer that was eating away at my life, and it was keeping me down. It was blocking my path to greatness. 

I could have been so much more in life, but I chose to make poor choices. But it's too late for regrets now, and I can't turn back the hands of time. I can only make due with what I have, and appreciate the time that I have left.

I take comfort and pride in knowing that one day I will die a free man. I can be proud that I overcame this, which is a big accomplishment for me.

@creativeShip7977 hi shippy 

Because of other issues that I have faced, I have to keep reminding myself that I am not here for attention. I am here to work out my issues that I have ran away from. I am here to write down my experiences so that I can learn from them.

I need to learn coping skills in the real world so that I can stay sober. This past week was a harsh one. Dealing with withdrawal symptoms is not easy. On top of that, I was battling with my health. My impulsiveness coupled with my addiction has placed me in a situation where I took risks that damaged my health.

But today I feel better for the first time since quitting. The illness seems to be clearing up, and I actually had a good night sleep. I am still battling with some mild liver cramps, headaches and other mild symptoms from the withdrawal coupled with the medication, but my body seems to be responding positively,

I have to work harder on avoiding things that can trigger a relapse until I can get stronger. Yesterday I nearly caught myself slipping again. Thankfully I caught myself just in time, it was a close call. It's scary to think that one slip up could wipe away all of my progress, and then I have to start from square one.

That's why I decided not to count the days of my sobriety. It doesn't matter how long I have been sober for. All that matters is that I quit, and that I am not going back to that addiction ever again. Navigating life without it seems strange though.

This is something that's been a part of my life for nearly 20 years. I saw it as a friend that I could run to when the stress of the world became too much. Little did I know that this was a parasite in my life. A parasite *** me dry and blocking my potential.

Now that I have cast this money off my back, I can finally get a new perspective and see the truth of the situation. But I feel sad, you know? I feel sad when I look at the toll that this had on my life and my relationships.

I was the only one hurting myself with my poor choices. I always thought that people were out to get me. That people were trying to hurt me.

Now things have been put into perspective. I was hurting myself, and I wanted others to hurt me so that I wouldn't have to feel guilty and ashamed about my poor choices. It's messed up how this addiction screwed with my mind.

Shame and guilt don't have power over me anymore, and I forgive myself. I now realize that people don't want to hurt me. They just want the same things that I do, I happy relationship. Actually positive people will support me in life and help me reach my full potential.

Yes, I have trust issues, but I am finally starting to see that the world isn't out to get me. I was out to get myself, and blaming it on the world. Maybe I should stop being such a hard ***, and give people a chance. Opening up and trusting people, being vulnerable and not gaming others is new territory for me. But maybe I am taking some steps in the right direction.

A few days ago I felt like a loser for throwing away my life like this. But now I realize that I am not a loser. Yes I WAS a loser when I was indulging in my addiction. But I have made a change.

If I was still running away from my problems and numbing myself to the world, then I would be a loser. But I am not doing that anymore. I am facing the stresses of life and confronting my issues. And that takes courage.

Breaking an addiction and making positive lifestyle changes is not easy. Now that I sobered up, I am not a loser anymore.

I have already mentioned that I was dealing with withdrawal and illness due to my addiction. Well, this seems to have cleared up and I can feel my strength returning.

I already feel a big change taking place as my motivation levels are rising. I am ready to get out there and live life. Today I went for a walk, did some gardening, picked up a hobby that I dropped a few years ago and also started doing some chores.

Productivity has increased which is great! I can also feel my confidence returning and my self esteem improving. Right now I am enjoying life. But I am also cautious about taking on too much at once. I don't want to overextend myself.

Not everyone that gives advice has your best interest at heart. That's all I am going to say. In my life there were two kinds of people. The one group encouraged me and told me that my behavior was healthy and normal. The other group warned me not to get involved with this.

I chose to listen to bad advice and as a result I have had to deal with HPV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. Additionally, there is 20 years of missed opportunities for meaningful relationships, untapped potential, and missed goals.

I was 12 years old and I wanted to learn about sex, so the librarian gave me a book. And the book said go ahead and touch yourself it's normal and natural. I can't blame the librarian or the book. I chose to go down this path.

Like I said, there were others who warned me not to go down this path. People from the church, teachers, parents and other authority figures. But these same people stressed me out, abused me and treated me unfairly.

I had a problem with authority, I rebelled because I felt that I couldn't trust authority. I guess they weren't wrong about everything. But it's hard to tell when someone who is abusing you has your best interests at heart.

As a young kid, it's hard to know whom to trust. Sometimes you just go with your gut feelings, and then you learn that those gut feelings were wrong. I never had anyone that I could turn to or talk about my problems, fears and anxieties. I had to deal with everything and shoulder everything myself.

That's a lot of responsibility for a 12 year old. I didn't have a role model that could teach me coping skills so I turned to alcohol, drugs, smoking and sex for comfort. Does this justify my poor choices? Of course not. Nobody held a gun to my head and said "touch yourself".

It was my choice, and now I have to face the consequences of my actions. Could education from a reliable source have changed my outcome? Yeah, I like to believe so. But I didn't have that available to me. It is what it is.

So far so good, I am still staying sober and I am seeing some of the negativity clear up. Sobering up has allowed me to take back my power. I don't have to rely on other's for my own gratification or happiness.

When one depends on an outside source like pornography or a sexual partner for gratification, that's placing a lot of power in another party's hands. People shouldn't wield that much power over you.

I now know that I don't need sex to feel better about myself. I can see how my addiction destroyed my past relationships. My view towards women is changing. I don't just view them as a sex object for my own gratification anymore. I have stopped objectifying them.

In fact, I stopped caring about sex altogether. It's not the most important thing in my life (or relationships) anymore and I won't allow it to have that level of power over me. Quitting has allowed me to realize the value of a genuine connection.

Talking with someone to get to know them, and to build a meaningful relationship that is based on something deeper. I can feel that I am starting to connect with people emotionally, and that's a first for me. It's unknown territory.

Mental health is improving as is self esteem and confidence. A darkness that has been hanging over me for the past 20 years has cleared up and suicidal thoughts have gone away. I can see now that this addiction has impacted me on a much deeper level than I was aware of.

I was watching this video about a skydiver that accidentally jumped without his parachute. And you know what? I feel better about my situation. I feel comforted.

This video made me realize that I am human, and humans make mistakes. What I am going through right now is a consequence of making a mistake. But that's okay, because humans make mistakes.