If someone has the patience

I’m lost, I feel like no matter how much I try to strive in life. There’s something worse waiting, it’s a chain of events that have weakend me and I am trying to find that reason to find myself again. I’ve now relapsed again and the whole time I was trying to stay clean I just couldn’t find enjoyment. I feel as if I’m at the point where I don’t feel anything anymore except more inevitable pain, I’m losing all empathy I’m distancing myself from everything in life I cared for, I’m permanently on meds because of a mental disorder I’ve now developed. Going from somebody who can’t talk to his mates about emotional things and just having a get over it attitude, in a work hard play hard environment (I’m a tradesman) always keeping face. Hiding the whole time that I have been getting crushed by my demons I refused to admit existed. Then I broke I feel like I’m watching everything through my eyes but I’m not really there. Getting high seems to be the only time I feel anymore so I use ice daily to make me feel in control, I don’t want to be this way and never thought I could. I need to find myself again but I think I’ve damaged my mind to much and it’s just hard accept that. So sorry for the rant it just all started coming I feel like I just needed to write some thoughts down, if anyone isn’t scared away I’ve got some more I wouldn’t mind talking about. Thanks for your time and I hope everyone is safe:-)