A guide to caring with your Loved one who has DID
I was feeling a tad inspired to write a thread in this subcommunity and since my life partner suffers from DID, I decided that today I would write a thread on the focus on how to support someone who has this disorder.
To make this thread easier to understand I am going to break it into parts.
Understanding your loved one
1) Do some research but be mindful to stay clear of fiction and remember every person with DID is different, and there are no rules for what DID can look like. Some people experience minor shifts while others experience major changes in their state.
2) You can ask about their experiences as it might show them that you are interested in learning but be do be careful and maybe speak to a mental health professional or a family member first as not always is someone aware of their experiences.
3) Recognize the effect the disorder has on memory. People are not born with it rather it is learned throughout childhood as a way to cope and restrict memory access to trauma
4) Create a safe place for loved ones. It can be a good idea to let them know that you care and that they are safe around you. A good idea would be to integrate a safe object, for example, a stuffed bear, as something each alter can respond to
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
1) Keep your own boundaries. As hard as it can be at times to know how to create them, it is better to have limits to keep yourself healthy. A good example of a boundary here would be to not be the only one taking care of them.
2) Don't take things personally. I know it can be hard but know, it's not the person you love. An Alter is not them. I speak this from the heart as someone who in the past has been hurt by my partner's aggressive alter. His alter is not him. It is okay to be upset from the words but remind yourself "My loved one has DID, they cant help their switching, it has nothing to do with me"
3) Show kindness and empathy whenever you can. People with this disorder tend to have a history of abuse, particularly in their childhood. Take a pause before responding if you find yourself getting annoyed and try to consider how to answer with compassion.
Supporting your loved one through treatment
1) Encourage treatment! If your loved one is not in treatment, talk about the benefits of seeing a therapist to help with DID and offer to help find someone who knows DID. Treatment is important when it comes to DID, so encouragement can be the push in the right direction to get help.
2) Attend family therapy as it can be a great way to understand more about your partner's disorder and help deal with the alters more peacefully.
3) Sometimes someone with DID can have a hard time dealing with it so please keep a look out for suicidal tendencies! Be there for them and if need be, take them to the nearest place of support for this in your area.
Encourage a Healthy Lifestyle
1) Practice meditation together. For DID, meditation can help with the dissociative states and help bring awareness to their internal states. So encourage them to mediate with you whenever you get the chance!
2) Support healthy choices like eating healthy food and getting a good nights rest.
3) Discourage substance abuse as it can cause more harm!
That's the entirey of what I had to share. if you are someone with DID, what do you need from your loved one?
@SouthernFlame
sounds like you know your partner pretty well and are doing your best to support them 
Here is my perspective on you question/points 
Learning about DID is a really awesome step to supporting us folks with DID. The more knowledge you have to more insight you will have on why they are as they are and how best to help them. Remember though that everyone is different and what is true for 1 DID system might not be the same in another system.
Listening is the best way to build a relationship with each part of their system. Asking them how they feel, maybe something like… you are looking a bit sad today, are you ok? And give them space to respond. Its important to treat each part separately, dont share something another part said with a different part unless this is agreed. They might not have the same memories and this can trigger them and cause blending. In addition it will undermine the trust you have built with them.
Talking with family might give you insight but it might not be the same for everyone. My mum does not know I have DID and I do not wish her too as she was one of my abusers so it depends on the persons wishes. Some of my family that do know often comment on things, like behaviour changes because even though they know I have DID they still only see Canvas and not my other parts so this can be painful. Just something to consider.
Dissociative amnesia sucks, my hubby helps me a lot with telling me what I did (when he is with me) I have to guess when I am alone lol. Although we have lots of things in place that help with that like a system journal, days marked on our medicine so we dont forget or over take and we have a daily structure that everyone knows and does if they are out. One thing I know drives hubby nuts is when different parts ask him the same thing lol but hes pretty good about it and says ‘tell everyone the answer is xyz because you are all asking lol.
Yay for safe places… each of my parts needs a different kind of safe place. For my littles they need to hide…in some sort of duvet tent with their fav teddy. They also have a play corner with their toys. The older ones feel ‘too grown up so they tend to hide in my craft room and hubby always checks before coming in that it is ok. Also safe places might need adapting…like when travelling etc
Boundaries are always good if they are healthy. If you are the main person in their life you might be the one that needs to help look after the wee ones. But there will also be other parts able to look after others. The little one was in a shop the other day with hubs and she got annoyed because he was fussing over her and said Charlie was there to look after them. Other times they tell him no one is about and can he watch them, so listening and asking what is needed is helpful. We all need other people to help us practice healthy boundaries and parts need this more than most!
Definitely dont take anything personally! You might be talking to someone you dont know yet or they might not know you. Yeah we definitely cant always control who is out but it is ok to tell any part that is it not acceptable to hurt you and that you only have the systems best interest at heart.
Empathy is constantly needed, we are often very confused and scared. Especially parts that are stuck in the past and might not recognise the present day or even know who you are. When Vicky first come out she was hiding under my desk thinking hubby was my new handler and it took him many hours to talk to her and help her feel safe.
Treatment is so important and definitely should be encouraged. If this isnt possible i.e. specialist help isnt available, you cant afford it etc… then encourage them to check out the resources on 7cups and there are also a lot of DID systems on youtube that are super helpful.
One thing I find hard is when people close to me comment on my ‘progress. Things like 'you seem to be getting worse' or 'youve not changed much recently'. Its not really possible for you to truly know this as many parts might have similar characteristics and be at different stages of recovery and comments like these can be triggering. Also making suggestions about what is good for them to be doing or what they should be able to do is very triggering. With DID the core sense of identity is missing, we need to explore who we want to be and allowed to act accordingly is part of the healing process and it can be a very fragile step in healing so be gentle!
The process of therapy for DID is in 3 stages and iterates as the system becomes more aware of itself so it helps to be mindful of this. It can often feel like Im back to square one when I discover a part I didnt know before and feels like Im starting from scratch. My hubby always reminds me that they were always there and now I know them its progress.
Suicide, self harm and sometimes aggression are usually from the fight parts in the system that are there to protect the body. Encourage these parts to reach out to crisis resources if necessary. There may also be flight parts that run away, I know I have a few and it would terrify hubby to come home and the car be gone and Im no where to be seen. We now have a pact that they can run but they need to come home or contact someone they trust.
Meditation can help if they are able to do this. I suppose it depends on the part and the trauma they faced. For me this is extremely triggering if Im dissociated, a lot of mindfulness meditations are triggering to me. It could be the voice or the content. E.g. something that talks about energy is v triggering and reminds me of being in rituals.
Healthy food and sleep is sooooo important. Lack of energy and rest messes up the whole system. A routine can really help. Hubby is always reminding me to feed myself lol! Substance abuse is always bad DID or not, it might just be 1 part that has an issue or many. Try to work with them to agree a boundary. For us its no drugs that arent prescribed and 3 alcoholic drinks maximum.
Hope that helps someone else out there
@SouthernFlame
You did really well on this! Your partner is lucky to have you.
I have DID but I don't have a partner. I do have grown up kids and friends.
I think Canvas added some important things.
Obviously my kids know. They know how to ground me, comfort me and also know when to leave me alone.
There are times when I don't know I have kids. This is really disturbing to them. I can't remember not knowing them but they kept asking how we could recognize one another if one of us had amnesia. It was shocking to find out and I felt really bad for them too. But they came up with matching tattoos. So we can always prove to eachother we belong together.
Some of my friends know and my colleagues. They all are very supportive, so I am happy to have them.
My close colleagues are awesome. They can cover for me when I am lost. They will get me some easy to do jobs that need my focus but not my brain. That usually helps.
@nolongerafraid
awwwww those are lovely tattoos <3
note for self: come back to read this ...
In my case, we think of ourselves in different ways.
Some of us take the clinical approach, and call each other alter and host (like me) but we also have Empowered inner buddies who don’t believe in integration or medicalization. As in, they agree to therapy and stuff but not to the idea that we are all parts of the same person or that we should one day become one. One of us is still in denial about being a system. Similarly, which topics and things are triggering are different for each one of us.
In this sense, it’s important to note which vocabulary you use with each one of us, and which activities you engage in with each one of us.
So yeah, encourage us to care and listen both to ourselves and to each other, and to respect each other’s boundaries. Sometimes that’s the hardest part.
I don’t really have much support but this is what I’d like from anyone in my life who cared enough to actually listen and learn.
