Thoughtful Thursday: Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that others close to you will leave you.

It is a prominent experience in borderline personality disorder (BPD), avoidant personality disorder (AVPD), and dependent personality disorder (DPD).

Some common experiences

If you are fearful of being abandoned, these are some common experiences associated with this:

• Feeling sensitive to criticism
• Having trouble trusting others
• Having trouble making new friends
• Having trouble committing to relationships
• Getting quickly attached to people and then quickly feeling dissatisfied with them
• Trying very hard to avoid rejection or separation
• Trying very hard to please other people
• Blaming yourself if a friendship or relationship doesn’t work out
• Staying in friendships or relationships that may not be healthy or happy
• Avoiding getting close to people in order to avoid being abandoned by them
• Worrying about personal flaws and what other people might think of them
• Feeling inadequate or unappealing
• Preemptively rejecting or breaking up with friends or partners so they can’t reject you

Causes

Fear of abandonment often has its roots in prior experiences of physical or emotional abandonment:

• You may have experienced death or desertion of a parent or caregiver
• You may have been neglected by a parent or caregiver
• You may have been rejected by people around you
• You may have had a loved one experiencing a serious illness
• You may have had a romantic partner suddenly leave you
• You may have had a romantic partner behave in an untrustworthy way

Tips

If you’re having trouble with fear of abandonment, here are some things that might be helpful:

• Calming activities: some examples include exercise, yoga, and breathing exercises; this not only helps to calm the fear itself but also reduces the chances acting impulsively and doing or saying something you regret while feeling fearful

• Regular self-care: doing something daily that helps you recover from stress and tension can increase your resilience and sense of self-worth

• Care for your inner child: treat yourself with the same kindness as you would an innocent child

• Distance from thoughts: if you are experiencing negative thoughts, you can shift your attention to something that is within your control or give yourself a new activity to focus on

• Express your feelings: activities like journaling, writing, artwork, movement, and music can help to release pent-up thoughts and feelings

• Self-compassion: if you find yourself thinking harsh or negative things about yourself, try to think of things you appreciate about yourself and be kind based on noticing how you are hurting

• Assertive communication: try to find ways of communicating that balance satisfying your needs and expressing yourself while respecting others' needs and feelings

Reflection

Have you had any experiences with fear of abandonment?

Feel free to share any other thoughts or comments.

Sources:

https://psychcentral.com/health/fear-of-abandonment

https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-abandonment

https://www.thehappinessclinic.org/single-post/Calming-the-Anxious-Attachment-Style

https://www.verywellmind.com/learn-assertive-communication-in-five-simple-steps-3144969