Thoughtful Thursday: Fear of Abandonment
Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that others close to you will leave you.
It is a prominent experience in borderline personality disorder (BPD), avoidant personality disorder (AVPD), and dependent personality disorder (DPD).
Some common experiences
If you are fearful of being abandoned, these are some common experiences associated with this:
- Feeling sensitive to criticism
- Having trouble trusting others
- Having trouble making new friends
- Having trouble committing to relationships
- Getting quickly attached to people and then quickly feeling dissatisfied with them
- Trying very hard to avoid rejection or separation
- Trying very hard to please other people
- Blaming yourself if a friendship or relationship doesn’t work out
- Staying in friendships or relationships that may not be healthy or happy
- Avoiding getting close to people in order to avoid being abandoned by them
- Worrying about personal flaws and what other people might think of them
- Feeling inadequate or unappealing
- Preemptively rejecting or breaking up with friends or partners so they can’t reject you
Causes
Fear of abandonment often has its roots in prior experiences of physical or emotional abandonment:
- You may have experienced death or desertion of a parent or caregiver
- You may have been neglected by a parent or caregiver
- You may have been rejected by people around you
- You may have had a loved one experiencing a serious illness
- You may have had a romantic partner suddenly leave you
- You may have had a romantic partner behave in an untrustworthy way
Tips
If you’re having trouble with fear of abandonment, here are some things that might be helpful:
- Calming activities: some examples include exercise, yoga, and breathing exercises; this not only helps to calm the fear itself but also reduces the chances acting impulsively and doing or saying something you regret while feeling fearful
- Regular self-care: doing something daily that helps you recover from stress and tension can increase your resilience and sense of self-worth
- Care for your inner child: treat yourself with the same kindness as you would an innocent child
- Distance from thoughts: if you are experiencing negative thoughts, you can shift your attention to something that is within your control or give yourself a new activity to focus on
- Express your feelings: activities like journaling, writing, artwork, movement, and music can help to release pent-up thoughts and feelings
- Self-compassion: if you find yourself thinking harsh or negative things about yourself, try to think of things you appreciate about yourself and be kind based on noticing how you are hurting
- Assertive communication: try to find ways of communicating that balance satisfying your needs and expressing yourself while respecting others' needs and feelings
Reflection
Have you had any experiences with fear of abandonment?
Feel free to share any other thoughts or comments.
Sources:
https://psychcentral.com/health/fear-of-abandonment
https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-abandonment
https://www.thehappinessclinic.org/single-post/Calming-the-Anxious-Attachment-Style
https://www.verywellmind.com/learn-assertive-communication-in-five-simple-steps-3144969
@QuietMagic I never realized I had an issue with abandonment until a few months ago. It's understood about people dying - that's life. There's been mostly no contact with allmost all of the family in the past few years because of - well - things. Tbh - I've never had friends until a few years ago. I had one special friend but it didn't end too well - so now it's back to no friends again. But it's caused alot of experiences that you stated but I'll keep the tips you have handy - because they'll be useful. I got the calming activities down lol and self care is better and i do ok with the inner child part sometimes - and I can express things like crazy with music some days. It's the rest that needs work
Thank you for putting this together :)
Oh Hey! - Merry Christmas!
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, that makes sense that there would be those kinds of feelings of abandonment if there aren't any friends or family you can be in contact with. 💜 I'm glad that this post was maybe able to summarize in one place some things you're already doing that have felt helpful.
Thank you. 😊 Hope you have a good Christmas. (Here's my contribution to the mouse/Christmas theme, lol.)
@QuietMagic 😃 Thank you! I love your contribution!
Have you had any experiences with fear of abandonment?
Yes, I guess so, although I'm not sure it was always clear to me that that was driving my distrust and ultimate leaving.
I think I check the first four 'boxes' in the list, more or less severely. So possibly at least I have a reason for it.
Very accurate description of fear of abandonment and how it plays out day to day . I have contended this and handled it precisely as described all my life, even in grade school… as far as dealing with, nothing has worked for me, I have just accepted that it is part of my foundation.