Moderating with Compassion
Ive been thinking about moderating lately, and Id like to share some of my thoughts with you. One thing Ive noticed is that as moderators, we can easily fall into the trap of feeling that were there to primarily to police the support rooms. You might pop in and say hi. You might join in the conversation for a while. But underneath it all, you have the feeling that youre there to catch the bad guys. Youre waiting for someone to screw up. Youre armed and ready to warn!
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I know that personally, I can get super busy and only pop into the rooms when I hear about a problem, or spend lots of time specifically in the rooms that I receive reports about to figure out what is going on and who is responsible. But when I do that, I am policing. At times when Im in police mode, it can feel like there isnt much good in the support rooms and moderating starts to feel difficult and unpleasant. And that's sad...
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But when I change my mindset and go into rooms just to listen and hear people out, suddenly my experiences in the support rooms became much more positive! The room may not be perfect, no… and it can be hard to listen to everybody all at once! But after a while, some of the people who feel heard begin saying something kind to someone else. It seems that the kinder you are and the more you listen, the kinder the room becomes!
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Of course, many of you probably know this already! Youre doing a great job and Im really proud of our 7 Cups mods! It was just something I wanted to share with you all, and to really make sure this is within our consciousness at all times. Id like to challenge you all to try this out and to think carefully about what your goals are when you enter a support room.
️ We are listeners first, moderators second.
Let's all do our best to hear people out and give them space to discuss their problems. If someone is asking for help and nobody else in the room is giving them the attention they need, be the first person to do it. Focus on that person and make sure they feel you really care. Youre already a great listener and you know how its done. Use your gift! 🎁
✓ Model kindness, always.
Moderators are role models! Your attitudes trickle down to others in the chat room. At times, it can feel like the entire room is against you, but there are also people in there who are looking up to you and following your lead. By being kind, compassionate and forgiving, you not only build up trust from members - you model how they can do the same! And when they feel safe and calm, theyre better equipped to be kind to others. Kindness is contagious! 💞
✓ Look for the good in people!
It doesnt have to be good behaviour specifically. It can be good anything! Have they been brave about sharing a struggle theyre going through? Are you impressed with their level of self-awareness? Did they make you smile somehow or cheer someone else up? Have they taken time to be kind to someone else in the room? Do you love their username or profile picture? Compliment generously! ⭐️
Ill leave you all with this thought...
@Heather
Thank you for this post - I'm a relatively new mod and this is really helpful. I have a question for you and any other mods - does anyone have any tips on how to make sure you're playing a balanced role in the conversation? What I mean by that is, as mods, should we spend more time speaking to individual members and their problems or focus more on talking to the group as a whole? I worry sometimes about accidentally focusing too much on one person and leaving others out. I've never been in group therapy as a member or a leader offline, but is this sort of the same idea, essentially?
Thanks so much!
@Claire91 - The goal really is to bring the group together, though it's easier said than done! I tend to pick 1-2 people and then try to pull them into one conversation and/or draw others in. So, "That sounds really difficult, X. Has anyone else had experience with this before?" or "It sounds like both X and Y are struggling with Z at the moment. What would others do in this situation?"
If it gets too difficult and everyone is talking to you at once, you can suggest turn taking, so everyone gets 5 minutes before moving onto the next person. Alternatively, you can put the ball in their court and let them think of a solution together, e.g. "It seems like lots of people want to share right now, but there is only one of me to listen! How could we better organise this so that everyone is heard?"
@Heather
Thank you, Heather! That is really helpful <3
Thank you, @Heather for sharing!
Amazing thanks so muchhh <3 @Heather
@Heather
Thank you for this post. As I'm slowly learning this new role and a bit timid at it. I love groups, but there isn't really a particular group room that stands out to me. I do however, enjoy the discusssions and such. I think I really prefer impromptu chats more - but not sure how to do those in the regular group rooms, as my topics seem to vary.
I love the part of the post about complimenting like avatars and stuff. Those are great ideas. I wouldn't have thought of that. That's a great tip I'm sticking in my toolbox.
Thanks!
Bump
@Heather thanks for this reminder. I agree that when I moderate from a place of compassion I am less likely to go into police mode and feel better about my support room experiences. It just stretches the window a little bit more to let in more light for the members and for me.
I love this post!
@Heather thanks for this post on modding with compassion. I do not like to be in police mode either. When someone comes asking for help by a mod, my first reaction is to start talking about something else, to get people to let go of the problem and move on.
Unfortunately some people do not and continue to fire away despite my efforts to keep talk peaceful. At that point I feel inclined to give a warning to try to take away the fuel from the fire. It is not my first choice but going in and scolding people without taking any action can mean ineffective modding. What is funny is that the Compassion Support is turning into a trolling room like DCR.
I was there when someone was asked why they trolled. "Because I am dead inside." I started to feel a little more compassion for that person.
It got me thinking what is a troll? I found this definition that helped clarify that these are not bad people, they are people intent on disrupting. "a troll is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting quarrels or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, or off-topic messages in an online community with the intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal, on-topic discussion, often for the troll's amusement."
Maybe what they are really saying is "Will someone please pay attention to me and stop neglecting me."
I still feel the need to keep rooms from getting out of control but it is not a matter of right and wrong as much as it is a matter of trying to keep things supportive as possible and do no harm to anyone. Maybe they need a wake up call to stop generating flames and hate, maybe that warning will do that. I don't like giving warnings because it is always a mixed bag for me of they deserve it and isn't there a better way to control this, but sometimes if other methods fail, a warning is needed. I just do not patrol the room looking for offenders, I try to find a way to reach everyone to get them back onto a subject that can be free of discord. We can only hope it works that way.
