CLOSED to new questions AMA September 14-16th with therapists Rory and Stacy

I want to be there for my boyfriend while his mother has cancer but I'm worried that I'm not doing enough for him. With this pandemic going on, I can only offer my support through video calls and texts. I'm so worried like what if he falls into a depression and I can't help him. I feel so useless. I guess my question is how can I show my support with his situation when I can't even be in the same room as him? I wish I could be there and hug him. I wish to do that more than anything.

@KaliWolfie

That's a great question; helping someone who has a sick family member can be very difficult. Sometimes the person doesn't even know what they need in the moment and it pains us to see our loved ones in pain. Offering your support to him through the means that you have (video calls and texts) is a big help, and likely makes him feel like you're there with him even when you cannot be there physically.

Another thing you can try is asking your boyfriend what he needs or what you can do for him. When we see our loved ones hurting we want to do whatever we can to take their pain away, but quite often don't usually know exactly what they need in the moment and it can feel frustrating to be offering all this help and they are not receptive to it. Simply asking 'What can I do for you?' leaves it up to them if there is anything you can do, and also if they want help. The wording can play a big part in this so try not phrase it as a yes/no questions ('Do you want me to do anything for you?' vs. 'What can I do to help?').

Overall, letting him know you are there for him and you will listen to whatever it is that is on his mind can be the biggest help of all. You may even find that he just wants to spend time with away from the stresses he is facing; video calls, word games, etc. are all good ways to keep connected with each other when you can't actually being around each other.

Here is a Link to my therapy page https://www.7cups.com/therapists/profiles/Rory-Boutilier-RoryBoutilierRPC/

@RoryBoutilierRPC

Thank you very much for your response. I will keep all your professional advice in mind in the many long weeks to come.

@KaliWolfie

Hi Kaliwolfie!

Thank you for reaching out. I do think it's difficult to support someone when you can't be there in person. I have found though that supportive words and being able to listen and to someone can be just as powerful over the phone or text as it is in person. It's hard to want to be next to someone and support them but being available and providing empathy can go a long way. There also might be some creative things you can do as well (send a special meal or treat, etc.).

Stacy

@StacyOvertonPhD

I was definitely thinking about doing something creative for sure!

@KaliWolfie

Sorry, I am sure what you are doing is already enough. You could pray for them both and if you feel the need to do something then maybe you can send them a meal or two like order them take-out or something. Give money and or support to non-profits that support people with cancer and maybe even in her name, ask first. Sorry I know it's hard when others we love are hurting but hang in there.

@soulsings

How do I stop getting depressed when I don't feel well? I feel so worthless when I don't feel up to doing dishes or going on a walk, for example. And worried I'll fall into a depression, again. Or ptsd from being in to much pain I couldn't do anything w/o excruciating pain (I had spine surgery in January to help, but still recovering/healing). My pain has been a 5-6 for the last week or so, and I had a fever Sat & today.

I try to tell myself, you are still valued and appreciated. You are still caring for your body while resting. It's so hard because compared to me my spouse is a superman and carries my weight when I can't. He's worked on not putting so much pressure on me and I've worked on not putting it on myself. But he's stressed with house kids & work, and today I'm sick & hurting!! I feel so sad and deflated.

Something I've learned from my therapist lately, is that it's ok that my battle is hard for me, even if others seem to have harder struggles and are smiling.

What advice comes to mind for me? Thank you!!!

@Tine2000

Tine2000,
Thank you for your patience in my response. I wanted to sit with your question a bit before I responded. One thing to know about depression is that it can really affect you physically. We often think of feeling depressed as a "sadness" that can be combatted by pulling ourselves or through some type of motivation. In reality, depression includes a very physical response (think low energy, difficulty concentrating, sleeping a lot, etc.). Add in chronic pain which is also exhausting and your body healing from a major surgery.. my question would be why wouldn't you be struggling a bit and feeling down. The key for you is going to be getting some ongoing support (possibly talk to a listener or therapist) and being kind to yourself. Try to listen to your body when it's tired and sore and give yourself permission to heal. Self care will make a world of difference in how you feel.
Stacy

@Tine2000

I am sorry you are hurting try BIOFREEZE it helps a lot with different kinds of pain like back pain, knee pain, etc. I think you are doing the best that you can and resting and feeling better is really important you can't help others if you are sick. Also, there are other ways to help your family. One you can pray for and with them. You can also help with homework and stuff, you can read to them and or do bible study , play a game with them, watch a movie with them with them depending on their age and your beliefs. You can also give advice as needed. You can find little ways of helping your husband like drawing him a bath or giving him a message. Praying for and with him, keeping him company while he works, and or encouraging him in his work and by thanking him for all he does. Find ways to help when you can it doesn't have to be big things. As far as exercise do them in the bed or in a chair as you can tolerate them. There are many exercises that can be done in bed or in a chair. You can go online to find some or ask your doctor. Do what you can there are ways around most obstacles be creative and think outside the box. Also your depression you are doing at least one right thing by reaching out for help but you also can try to reach out to a professional if needed. Also In The Rooms is a good place to find help with lots of different issues. It is a place of recovery and those wanting and needing recovery for/from many things check us out.

@soulsings

Looking forward to this!

My friend is suicidal and I want to help her.. but she says that there is nothing I can do to help her and that suicide is the only answer to her problems...she has a very disfunctional family and has a lot of trust issues because of many heartbreaks that she has had to endure...she feels that she is not important to anyone and there is nobody she can fall back on...how do I help her ? She is undergoing online therapy but she says that the therapist can only talk to her sometimes...the therapist cannot replace her family or friends. She is in a toxic relationship and says that she is disgusted at herself for not being able to break up at the same time she is scared that if she does break up she will get more lonely than she is right now so that is making her hold on to the toxic relationship...she even blames me for her condition and says that I'm a very pathetic friend and I secretly wish for her to die and that I get some kind of secret pleasure from seeing her suffer...she says that I gaslight her and try to Shame her for her condition...she says that whenever she tries to talk about her issues I somehow make it about myself by playing victim...I really don't understand how to help her overcome this and not get affected

@Sjias

Hi Sjias,

It's incrediby difficult to want to support a friend but not feel as if you are doing or saying the right thing. I'm also pretty concerned about what you wrote in regard to her being suicidal. Does she have additional supports and do you think it might be reasonable to do a welfare check or reach out to someone who can check on her? Ultimately, I think safety has to come before anything else and making sure your friend is safe is priority.

Stacy

@StacyOvertonPhD I did reach out to her parents many times and told them that she's not in a very good condition and needs their care and attention..but they don't seem to understand her condition and they have a lot of stigma attached to depression...I talked to her mom yesterday and she told me that if her daughter was feeling all these things then maybe there is nothing that she can do...I got angry and asked her how she could think that way of her own daughter and just let her die without any intervention...I really don't have much hopes from her family... So there's no one at this point from her family who would be of any help ..they just seem to bother for a day or two and then forget that she even exists...and because of the country we live in there's not much professional help available...so I'm really confused what to do...

@StacyOvertonPhD regarding the welfare check what are the ways to do that?

@Sjias

Hi Sjias,

Please contact a mental health center whereever you and your friend live. Each state has different ways to do this and you'll want to find out the specifics to your area.
Stacy

@iampapaya

Hi iampapaya!

Whew.. those are wonderful questions and unfortunately I don't think there is an easy answer to any of them. It seems to me like the common thread to helping with all of the above would be to consider a mindfulness or meditation practice. Again, I'm simplifying my response because I think there are ways to address your concerns but it's something that will take some time, practice and commitment. I'm not sure if you are aware but if you click on the top left hand button (my path) in the cups screen there are some great resources to get you started.
Stacy

@iampapaya

You are very welcome!!!!

I cry all days, Im feeling super lonely and even tho I try to join everything in university nothing works im always left out, then i have nightmares about my ex best friend from university and is tiring the same thing over and over again, also Idk what to do to cope or overcome idk if its betrayal from friend or what I cant even enter to social media bc i get triggered. Idk why the relationship with this friend changed everytime I try to talk to her about how it damaged me she just leaves me on seen so I decided to block because it was so much damage idk if I did the correct thing. I just dont know how to heal about everything that happened with bullying and with this friend that doesnt shows interest of being my friend anymore idk if it lead me to trauma or what. I just know i need help and support

@Glossytears. Im tired im starting to have mood swings and not stable emotionally I'm feeling lots of stuff that I want to screams bc it hurts like if I'm going to puke or something and nightmares and so more I can't idk what to do I'm sick

@Glossytears

I'm so sorry to read about what you've gone through with your friend. Losing a friend or feeling rejected by a friend often leaves us feeling a lot of emotional pain and loss. Unfortunately it takes time to grieve this loss and it likely is going to hurt for a while. I would encourage you to find a listener or therapist to talk to for a time. It could help you find some tools to really recognize how painful this has been for you and also help you identify next steps to starting to feel better.
Stacy

Hello,

I'd like some insight on how to support my fiance. He is a first responder and battles with so much every day. On Friday everything sort of came to a head and he had a bit of a break. He has OCD, Depression, PTSD. He has been getting increasingly frustrated these past few months and prone to outbursts of anger and harbored feelings of resentment. In the current climate, there is much that is out of our control, and I believe for him, this feeling of helplessness is compounded. I actively listen, without judgment, suggest that he speaks to his therapist (but because she is not engaging in in-person appointments, he is not interested), conduct my own research about ways in which to support and to better understand what he deals with, suggest activities outside (he is an active person but hasn't done a lot recreationally for some time - he is tired of wearing masks all day/night at work, and experiences frustration that things are not the same). He does feel better / experience some relief when I initiate conversations, even if it's a tough conversation where I spell out how this affects me, personally (I'm not one to initiate conversations much of the time, and am working on this). His eating and sleeping habits have also been affected. It's a tough time, and I'm just looking for a plan. I've never dealt with this before.

@faithfulBlueberry1191

Working as a first responder is an intense and fast-paced profession, and it comes with many stressors that are unique to the field. There are a few things you can do to support your fiance through this difficult time.

Try not to pressure him into talking about what is on his mind but offer to be an attentive ear if he wants to talk with you. When we see our loved ones hurting it can be tempting to act as a therapist for them because we don't want to see them in pain. You are a huge part of his recovery and just being with him and being supportive is necessary for recovery; some trauma therapists say that face-to-face support from others is one of the most important aspects of recovery.

Keep a regular routine as much as possible. Even though your fiance may be attending therapy appointments, they could be working or maybe taking time off of work, whatever their unique situation is, try to maintain a sense of normality in your lives as much as possible. Things are a bit different lately because of COVID, but keeping in contact with friends and family, lunch or dinner dates, and doing things together are all important aspects of his recovery.

Learn his triggers; this is beneficial for both of you. Recognizing his triggers is important because it helps anticipate which situations may be difficult, and can help build a plan for when things get to be too much and your fiance needs to step away for a little while to regain control.

Asking how you can help him in those intense moments is a big help. 'What do you need me to do for you right now?'. Helping your fiance develop some strategies to manage his frustration/anger by having a healthy outlet can help with remaining calm throughout the day as well.

@RoryBoutilierRPC Thank you so much for your response; I sincerely appreciate your professional input. I've noticed that he does need time to gather himself after an unplanned disruption in routine, so I give him space and then we can usually come back together to talk. Thank you again.

I have depression and anxiety and the past couple of days I

@ThePizza

If you have a therapist you are working with currently, I encourage you to speak with them about how you are feeling.

The advantage of talking to your current therapist about how you are feeling lately is you already know them and they know you, so they are more likely to have a better understanding of your situation than a new therapist. Your current therapist can help you work through those feelings and develop some coping strategies. If you are feeling overwhelmed with your workload/performance in school and about sports, talk to your therapist about stress management strategies and managing anxiety.

When you talk with your therapist they will be able to determine if you should seek inpatient services and be able to make an appropriate referral. If you feel you are in crisis you should reach out to a crisis support line or go to the nearest emergency room.

I have depression and anxiety and the past couple of days I

@soulsings

1. I am a qualifed therapist in the UK. (Not yet British Assoication of Counselling Registered). Can I become a 7Cups therapist? Or is it only for therapists in the US.

2. How do people find therapist in the US that have experince in working with DID (especially Christian therapist) and are prepared to work on line?

Thank you for your assistance.

@raspberryCamp2010

Hi RaspberryCamp2010,

I believe that we have therapists all over (I think we have some in the UK and even in South Africa). I'm going to check and see if I can find out who you would need to contact to find out more information about employment with 7 cups.

Stacy

@raspberryCamp2010

Hi there!

It is great to have you here. Please email support@7cups.com and we can advise you of the requirements to provide services on 7 Cups.

If you browse our therapist directory here: https://www.7cups.com/therapists/ and you can browse clinical issues. I hope that helps and please let us know with an email if you have anymore questions!

@LisaDeRegtMBPsS

Thank you so much. I am just tied up with the leadership course at present so when I have a little bit more time after I have finsihed that I will be in contact. Thank you so much for the info.It is much appreciated.
Best Wishes

I have been struggling with multiple traumas that have happened over my lifetime. I find that some days are really difficult. I have night mares about one particular trauma. I would like to find ways to help with the nightmares because they can be very difficult to handle and I have a hard time falling back asleep, which affects my mood they next day.

@pluckyCranberry8097

Handling nightmares related to trauma usually involves backtracking through what took place and working through the undelrying issue. There are things you can do that will help with getting a better night's sleep, and you should speak with someone who can help you through those traumas and overcome them.

Creating a space in your bedroom that feels warm and welcoming, and above all - safe, is important when you experience nightmares. Sleeping in a dark room is often best for a good night's sleep, but some people feel their anxiety increases too much or they have a more difficult time sleeping in the complete darkness, so a small nightlight can be a good middle ground for sleeping in a dark room but not the complete darkness. You may try moving your bedroom around to create a new-to-you space, giving a new feel to the room.

Find ways to manage the feelings you are experiencing on a daily basis; exercise, yoga, and a good self-care routine can all be beneficial. Try to avoid things that can make you more alert before bed, such as caffiene and chocolate.

Try to get a good night's sleep but don't force it on yourself. If you go to bed and find you cannot get to sleep, get up and do a quiet activity until you are ready to go to sleep. If possible, get out of bed to do something; sit on the couch and read, do a puzzle, or snuggle with a pet if you have one. Try to keep your bed as a place where you go to sleep rather than where you go to scroll social media or play a game before bed. Getting your mind into an association that bed=sleep can be tough at first, but it can help reduce the number of sleepness nights you have.

I'm having a hard time being able to making friends at school especially with the pandemic going on, it seems kinda trivial but i feel like i

Hi @deesharmoney

I can tell you are struggling with some lonliness and feeling as if you don't fit in. The pandemic has certainly made it more difficult to meet people and hang out like we used to. I want to normalize what you are going through and say that many people are feeling the same in regard to not being able to be with people face to face. I would encourage you to continue to try to reach out to people in any way you can (text, online, etc.) and consider a "safe hangout" where you might be able to see friends and still social distance.

Stacy

@soulsings

I have got the following questions for therapists:
- Why are most psychotherapists from USA/Canada? It makes very inconvenient when you are from opposite side of the earth and you can only get answers from psychotherapists at night as there aren't suitable therapists from region (time zone) where you live.

- why there aren't cheaper terapist options for those who live in developing countries such as India? As i know, services in India are much cheaper than in USA/Canada and maybe is the same with therapists - if you can get some therapists from India for example, they would be able to have their sessions for much less than 150 $ (if i am correct) (but let's limit their services to those who can't afford to pay 150 $ per month). I also read that 7cups takes its share of payment for therapy. If a member states that they can't afford to pay 150 $, i propose that there is a discount in the amount 7cups takes and that member pays only therapy, without 7cups's margin. Wold be it possible?

Hi @klemen,

Thank you for reaching out. I can tell you are feeling frustrated and looking for support that might be more affordable. You can e-mail support@7cups.com to see if there are other payment options. In regard to getting messages at night.. most of us work asynchronously so even when I'm working with someone in the US we are often on different times zones and we message back when we log on each day. I hope that helps!
Stacy

I've been struggling with porn and masturbation for some years now. I started when I was 11 now I'm 19. I would like to know why I haven't been able to stop doing it and how much damage it may have caused to my brain at this stage. Also, how do I get diagnosed for mental disorders/illnesses

@Squidward07

Without knowing more about you and your personal circumstances it is difficult to say why you struggle with this, so I encourage you to speak with a therapist to explore this further. Some people meet criteria for an addictive disorder, such as sex addiction or pornography addiction, whereas others do not. There are many different reasons why people struggle with pornography; addiction, boredom, impulsiveness, and others. Talking to someone who has experience in this area can help with understanding more about your personal circumstances and how to overcome it.

In most places, only a doctor (most often a psychiatrist) or a psychologist can make a mental health diagnosis. In some countries a clinical social worker or counsellor can make a diagnosis, but not often. A diagnosis happens after you meet with a psychiatrist or psychologist and they do an assessment with you. This usually involves appointments with your therapist, maybe filling out questionnaires, and going through an interview process with the therapist.

Hello.

I've been having the same conversation for several decades with a person in my life. Perhaps you can shed some light on it!?

Her: It's in the past why don't you forgive like Jesus and move on? Now let me tell you about my social calendar as well as what I'm doing this weekend and when I'm taking the next trip etc

Me: I would be delighted to move on but I don't feel like we've adequately addressed or clarifief what happened. You've mentioned before that you think it's no big deal what he did to me as a minor so I want clarity on how you view that event before I introduce you into my small children's lives.

Her: Please get over it and stop being so immature. I'm going to send you some presents please give them to your kids and say they're from me.

Me: I don't need presents or money from you what I need is an understanding and an acknowledgement that what happened between me and him was inappropriate and wrong. Why do you think the solution to this issue is by buying presents and sending us money?

Hi @pioneeringPear33

It sounds like you are feeling unheard by this person and are having a hard time finding resolution. Consider what it is that you need from her to be able to move on and even more importantly consider what you can do for yourself to find some resolution. We often look to others to help with "closure" or "forgiveness" or whatever it is we are looking for and sadly may never get our needs met from them.. or they may give it a try and we find it doesn't really satisfy what we wanted. Consider what you can do without her validation or confirmation about what happened.
Stacy

@soulsings

My therapist is a gaslighter. I have lost all hope in therapy. How do I move on?