CLOSED to new questions AMA 7-22-20 [Ask Me Anything] with the therapist, Shareen Birges and Rory Boutilier answering your questions
Hi there. My name is soulsings, the ambassador liaison with 7cups therapy program. I am thrilled to introduce an AMA [Ask Me Anything] thread that can help you better understand how 7cups online therapy can help you cope with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and other mental health issues that you experience in your life. Shareen Birges and Rory Boutilier, licensed therapists that provide online therapy services for 7 Cups, can answer your questions about different mental health challenges in your life. See their bio's at the end of this post! This format gives you 3 days July 20th to July 22th (EDT time GMT-5) to ask your question and gives Shareen 3 days, July 21 to 23rd, to answer your questions about finding therapy options for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and other challenges.
Shareen (Shareen's therapy page) and Rory Boutilier (Rory's therapy page) are also available to sign up for therapy if you are feeling like you might benefit from online therapy So post your questions now and they will answer them as quickly as they can. Remember this is a 3 day thread, so get your questions in early. Questions answered in the order received.
Sometimes people ask the same or similar questions, so please read through the questions in this thread before submitting your questions so you can benefit from all the answers presented here and we can limit duplicate questions from happening.
Thanks for participating in this AMA thread. I look forward to your questions and Shareen's answers.
bio for Shareen Birges Bachelor of Applied Social Science (Counselling), Graduate Diploma Youth Mental Health, Masters of Social Work (Professional Qualifying) Counselor
I have been working as a counsellor for over 10 years, primarily online since 2015 and on 7 Cups since 2016. Through my practice I have worked with many clients however my primary specialties are Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), young people, families and parenting, alcohol and other drugs misuse and abuse, mental health, trauma (particularly childhood trauma), grief and loss, and cancer and chronic illness (including end of life care). More on her therapy page
Bio for Rory Boutilier Registered Professional Counsellor
I take a unique approach to helping you reach your goals and I fully believe that therapy is a collaborative process - your success is my success. My focus in on you and your progress in therapy. I have training in short-term/dynamic, cognitive-behavioral, existential, client-centered, and solution-focused therapy models. Whether you are struggling with depression, anxiety, self-harm, life changes, or anything else, my goal is to help you achieve the changes you want to see in your life. I am here to help you in the process by being non-judgemental and unbiased in our work. More on therapy page
Hello I have been a member of 7cups since around 3 months ago and since then have made some good strides in my mental health back then some days I would just lay in bed listening to music because I was just mentally exhausted from my anxiety disorder and panic disorder and now I still so that rarely but usually use coping methods to calm myself down instead of just sitting and suffering.
I guess my question though is what's the difference between counseling/counselors and therapy/therapists and why do I sometimes during counseling sessions feel more stressed out than before.
Hi @Christopher1243 and thanks for sharing.
What's the difference between counseling/counselors and therapy/therapists?
The difference in terminology comes from a time when there was an attempt to keep mental health professions very separate. Psychiatrists, psychologists and "other mental health" workers were considered to be separate and mental health workers who did not have a psychology degree or didn't specialise in psychiatry were considered less knowledgeable and less able to provide more technical therapy, like pscyhodynamic therapy and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). These days the terms are pretty interchangeable, however there are some differences between professions that remain ... psychiatrists are the only ones that can provide mental health medication (excepting antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications), both psychiatrists and psychologists are able to diagnose and provide therapy (but psychologists cannot prescribe medication) and counsellors can only provide therapy. I hope that makes things clearer.
Why do I sometimes during counseling sessions feel more stressed out than before?
This is common in therapy, and I often try and prepare my clients for this. As you go through therapy, you are opening up old wounds, digging into dark secrets and wading into deep emotional wates. This will always bring up some yucky stuff, often stuff we have been repressing or suppressing so along with that comes increased big feelings, like stress, anxiety, sadness, grief etc. It is important for you therapist to find a way to help you manager that between sessions and to pace the session in order to help bring you back down before ending.
Thanks for your questions!
Shareen
@ShareenBirgesBASSGDYMHMSW
Thank you :)
@Christopher1243 You are very welcome :)
@ShareenBirgesBASSGDYMHMSW
May I ask further questions as well?
@Christopher1243 sorry but the AMA window has closed. Thanks for participating. Hope all these questions and answers help you.
@soulsings no worries thank you <3
TW: Selfharm
Hello, my psychiatrist just told me that I most likely have a BPD and I am quite confused about it. And I know I dont practise self harm for attention seeking since I always do it where it cannot be seen. I tried many coping methods to stop but nothing works. I really started to love the pain and feeling like I need it to unwind whenever I feel overwhelmed. I want to stop, and last time I lasted 6 months without it. But I fell into it again. What kind of therapy would work ? How can I soothe my anxiety, anger, pain without hurting myself ?
Many thanks.
Hi @CookieTheWookie and thanks for sharing.
This is a very difficult question to answer without more information. Self harm is very individual and without knowig the reasons you self harm its hard to say how best to support you through a transition to no self harm.
Generally speaking, self harm is usually a way for someone to manage a deep pain they are either incapable or unwiling to address. This is usually because the pain is so big and so overwhleming that they need to hide it away or their life will become unmanageable. If this is what is happening for you then the best course of action is to speak with someone about this and get support to identify and process these big emotions. As you start to do this, you and your therapist would need to identify and develop individual coping strategies that are healthier and more helpful than self harming.
@soulsings
Hi Shareen!
I have been struggling with BPDever since my childhood due to violent upbringing.
After a lot of struggle and encounter with buddhism I have become mindful of my thoughts.
I have realized that I am battling a series of thinking patterns. Sometimes I wonder whether a particular thought pertaining to a person is due to my BPD or something is really off about them. I have been struggling with this. I would like some guidance over this.
Another thing I would like to ask is, though my self image has improved, but often I have caught my self increasing my self image on the cost of devaluating someone else's in my thoughts. Any suggestions to improve?
Thank you Shareen!
Hi @purpleChestnut6578 and thanks for your question.
Without knowing what thoughts you are finding challenging, its difficult to give you a good answer as to how to manage this process. Looking at the reasons for the thoughts and identifying the ones that are not helpful is the best way to do this. It can be difficult without having someone to bounce ideas off, even a friend or loved one, it doesn't have to be a therapist, however it is most helpful for this to be conducted in a therapeutic environment.
As to your other question, try reminding yourself that your worth and value is not dependent on another's. You are who you are and you don't need someone else to be lesser than you. I hope this helps.
@ShareenBirgesBASSGDYMHMSW
Thank you for your advice Shareen, I will try my best to act on it!
You are more than welcome @purpleChestnut6578
I hope you are able to put something in place for yourself that helps!
Shareen
Hi,
First of all, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping all of us out of our problems through this forum. May God bless you for everything that you are doing to help ease our struggles for us.
Coming back to my question, a few days back I asked my significant other whether they are still in touch with their ex or not & they replied saying "sometimes we chat....". I highly appreciate their honesty, they could have lied about it. They chose to be truthful to me & it is clear that they are not up to cheating on me or something but since then I am extremely disturbed, I cannot concentrate on my work, daily routine, etc. Each time I am reminded about that text message, I start crying like hell. It is killing me from inside. Earlier, I had told them how difficult it is for me to withstand their ex & that I do not like them being in touch with them but even after telling them about my insecurity, they did not take any heed over it. This makes me feel that they do not value my words. It has been more than three days & I haven't texted them anything. They are under depression due to their career instability so they hardly talk to anyone these days & that's why I haven't heard anything back from thereafter. It is only me these days who initiate talking to them & try my best to cheer them up. I remind them that they are not alone & that I am there for them. But, honestly, I am not feeling like talking to them now. I have no idea what I must do about it. Because I do not wanna leave them alone during their toughest time but I no longer have the courage to be with them... idk what to do
P.S. I highly think it is BPD they are suffering from & not depression but whatever it may be, I am willing to be with them but don't know what to do. Please help me out. Thank you for your time.
- Bubble
Hi there @bubbleCircle3689 It sounds like you are going through something very big and its great you felt able to share here.
Around this issue, its important to recognise that you are going through some big emotions right now and that this is going to be painful. It is best not make any decisions during a time of big emtions. Give yourself some times to process what is happening and then make contact with your partner when you feel ready to talk about this with them. The key to any relationship is communication and trust. You need to communicate with your partner about this issue and find a way to appreciate the trust you have in your relationship.
It also sounds like there are a couple of psychological paradoxes happening for you. You respect the honesty of your partner and you feel vulnerable about their relationship with their ex. You trust that your partner won't cheat on you and you don't like their contact with their ex. Psycholocial paradoxes are where two opposing things are coexisiting in the same time and space, in a therapeutic sense that is your mind, body and soul. Both are true and you need to be able to acknowledge this, and find space for both ideals at the same time.
Hope this helps!
Shareen
@ShareenBirgesBASSGDYMHMSW
Thanks a lot for replying back. The thing is that I have already spoken to my partner about this so many times which gives me the impression that they have no value to what I have said. I don't feel like talking about it anymore. However, I do wanna talk to them normally but I am having difficulty. I don't want to not be there for them & regret later if anything bad happens to them. With increasing suicidal cases, I am indeed worried about them.
@bubbleCircle3689
When you are feeling unheard in a relationship it can definitely create issues with how you communicate and interact with your partner. Of course you want to be there for you partner, your love and care for your partner is very evident. Your partner also needs to be there for you and you shouldn't need to pretend everything is ok when its not.
Understanding where you feelings are coming from and what is causing you to be upset about his contact with his ex is really important for you. Once you have understood what is happening for you then you may be better able to explain this to your partner.
Shareen
@ShareenBirgesBASSGDYMHMSW
Yes, this is extremely difficult & hurtful.
I have never faced difficulty expressing myself to them. I fear that their ex might ruin our relationship how they have ruined our friendship in the past. I have been crystal clear about it.
The fact that in spite of being transparent with them & letting them know as to why it affects me, they didn't do anything about it. This is more hurtful than they being in touch with their ex.
@soulsings
TRIGGER WARNING, mentions self-harm
I have been self-harming for the past two years and I want to go get help and to get a diagnosis from a therapist for several things (depression, bpd etc.) but I can't becuase my parents don't know anything about it. I can't tell them becuase my mother constantly belittles other people with mental illnesses in front of me and she says that those people need to getter better before they get worse (I don't know, it doesn't make any sense). She has also laughed at me when I once gathered up the courage to tell her that I think that I might have depression (about 2 years ago) and I was going to tell her about my self harm but then she was like, "Where did you learn this? The internet? You really are stupid enough to belive that stuff?" So I denied everything that I said. My parents are constantly telling me to be better, and to be faster than other people. My mom screams at me when I want to have some alone time (she says that I'm wasting my time) and whenever I disagree with her on just about anything, she starts to scream at me, then she literaly denies that she even said anything. She once told me that the world woudn't care I died and she has never once apologised. I'm scared and alone. I don't want to self diagnose becuase I know that it's bad and that it's frowned upon but I really have no choice. SometImes I tell myself that I'm just looking for lables and that there are other people that are seriously harmed by these things but other times I feel so mentally depressed.
Sorry, this is more of a rant but I was wondering if you have any suggestions on what I can do. I really want to get a BPD diagnoses (among other things) but I can't...
@Oxymoron6demon I have been there, I know how it feels make you dead inside may feel hard to breathe most try to go for a theraphy It will help we need to sail till see the land.
Hi there @Oxymoron6demon and thank you for sharing. This sounds like a very difficult situation and you sound like you do need some level of support.
I have to start by saying if you are under 18, this becomes really difficult, depending on where you live. I can only speak to the laws in Australia around medical and mental health treatment options, however primarily if you are under 18, you need parental consent so the best I can do is suggest that you speak to a school counsellor, a pastor, or another adult you feel you can trust to support you. Otherwise seeking support here in the teen forums can be a place to help you talk about what is happening for you, without having a diagnosis.
If you are over 18, then see the answer below:
I guess my answer to your question is a question itself ... do you need a diagnosis or do you need support? One is not necessarily needed for the other. For example, I am not a diagnostician, I can't give you a diagnosis of BPD or depression, but what I can do is identify what is happening for you and what you need and help you based on that. Any therapist can do this, they don't need the diagnosis to help you, rather they need you.
A site like 7 Cups makes things easy becuase you don't have to go anywhere to find a therapist and you don't have to make excuses for your time. A message here and there, right before bed, or when you get up in the morning and you can find ways to understand yourself and your needs and how to help yourself. This is a way around needing to see a doctor or psychiatrist for a diagnosis and you never need to tell your mother anything.
I hope this helps!
Shareen
Hi, i am posting this for some advice. Over the past years Ive gone through some difficult times with all of my family, Ive always struggled with my emotions but lately everything has got a lot harder for me. I have two children a 2 year old boy and a 3 month old girl. Since having my little girl my emotions are way worse than ever before. I cry everyday for no apparent reason, I feel lonely all of the time as if I have nobody to talk to. I hate when my fiancé has to leave even if its for an hour because bad thoughts come to my head. I am unsure if I have a genuine mental health problem or just my hormones as I have struggled with it for years.
Hi @MissMV and thank you for reaching out. As a mother I know how hard it can be to put your hand up and say you are struggling so congratulations on being able to do just that!
Whilst the "baby blues" are a common thing for mother's in the first few months of their child's life, what you are describing sounds more like postnatal depression. It might be an idea to speak with your GP or a psychiatrist about this and see what they think. Generally the treatment is antidepressants and some counselling, so farely non-invasive, but you need to make sure you speak to a professional about it to make sure.
I hope you are able to get some support soon!
Shareen
Hi I am new to 7 cups I feel depressed and anxious very often I couldn't able to concentrate, speak properly and intteract with everyone. I always feel so negative afraid to move a step from my situation.
Hi there @independentMap6229 Whilst this isn't a question, I can hear the difficulties you are having right now and see that you need someone to acknowledge this and/or maybe provide some suggestions of how to proceed.
I think its important you seek support, whether its counselling or speaking to a GP or psychiatrist. You certainly sound like you need to find some ways to manage your anxiety day to day and that is something you need to see a professional about.
This may seem unhelpful, and if it does I'm sorry for that. I want you to know that I hear the struggle you are going through and I acknowledge that you need support. I encourage you to find the support that works best for you.
Thank you for sharing
Shareen
@ShareenBirgesBASSGDYMHMSW Thanks for the advice.
AM currently enrolled with a different online therapy provider- but wonder if 7 cups could provide a better service. Often only have a weekly live talk- and hard to fit in their schedule. I often would like more chats and follow- up. Thank you.
Hi @barncat
I believe you are asking if 7 Cups would be a better fit for you and without knowing more information that's a hard one for me to answer. What I can tell you is how 7 Cups works.
7 Cups is an email counselling service, whereby clients and therapists send messages when they have time. You can send messages whenever you need to and your therapist will respond at least 1-2 times a day, Monday to Friday (bearing in mind that some of us therapists are in other countries and our Monday to Friday may differ to yours). There are no weekly sessions and one flat fee of $150 USD a month.
Not sure if that sounds like its for you or not, but that is the general idea of 7 Cups.
Hope that helped
Shareen
What's a good way to manage continually declining health? The sicker I get the more limited my stress coping tools become, as I can't do many of the things I could previously.
Hi @AffyAvo, unfortunately I don't feel comfortable answering this question without more information. Without knowing you, your condition, your level of functionality (any many other things, though those are the main ones) I cannot say what might be helpful or not.
I would suggest that if you are finding it challenging that you connect with a therapist who specialises in chronic illness and talk to them about what is happening.
Sorry I couldn't give you anything more
Shareen
How do you know if you are a risk to yourself.
Hi @JustDube, this is a question I do not feel comfortable answering in this forum. As a therapist I have a duty of care to ensure that anyone who is contact with me is safe from harm, from themselves and others. Giving you an answer to this question without knowing you would, I believe, breach my duty of care.
If this is a serious concern for you, I would encourage you to contact a suicide prevention line (if you google suicide prevention line and your local area you will find the right numbers) and speak with them. They are usually anonymous and free.
Thank you for your question and please stay safe
Shareen
