disrespect or miscommunication.
I am sitting here seething my BP is up and i want to vent.
Every time i speak to spouse he literally does not hear me at all or does a head nod just to pretend he heard. Then moments later he wakes up from his fog and repeats what i just said like it was NEW information.
An empty restaurant store front near us last Thursday had new signs put up to show what will take that space ... I asked him did you see the signs ..."new place opening soon at where X restaurant used to be but I have never heard of new name....'
he says "yeah yeah" head nods etc.....
TODAY, Sunday he runs into house after being out and says DID you see new signs up on that empty storefront..... i just stared at him and said "why yes when i asked you last Thursday " and he said "OH yeah i thought you meant something else." ...think this is covering as he never tells me what he thought i said.
Am i wrong for being mad that he does this sort of thing a lot? ...... he is often pretending conversation was to something not even related.........Now wants a conversation about the place opening.... i walked away. I have explained how disrespectful this is or seems since UNLESS he notices it just did not happen.
@toughTiger6481
I can understand how that would feel disrespectful like he's not listening to you! Have you told him how you are feeling?
@HopieRemi
Yes so many times ...........but is falls on deaf ears.
It gets to the point of telling him you were sitting at kitchen table it was approx this time you were wearing X and I realize that sounds over the top............ but at SOME point a simple ...." i am sorry i was NOT listening "or "i remember NOW" but instead he changes the subject or accuses me of just HAVING to be right.. I get to the point of thinking I should let it go...
Then he does it to others as well ..........and those folks like our kids / neighbors etc say "no it is NOT ok" I have begun to give him exact same treatment back and he is NOT happy about that but it does ease my frustration.
@toughTiger6481
I can't comment too much since I'm not sure of the specifics of your relationship and your partner's status. If this is a recent event, it's likely he's easily distracted and focused on something else, tired, or possibly dealing with something in his head. These would likely make people look more uninterested and disrespectful. Maybe ask him if something is going on with work or if he's having some weird thoughts. Either way, I hope you and your partner work it out.
@sunnyLake7661
if it's a miscommunication or disrespect I can't really say, it just depends if it was recent or not.
@sunnyLake7661
We have been together for decades and while not exactly new it is intensifying i thought it was a hearing issue but we had that checked out.
He is doing this with others as well but plays off the" i am really busy excuse" ............like he is the character in the 50 first dates movie .... only not at all funny. People would lose patience in having to tell someone things over and over or remind them of things every day.... I make a decision.... it was "his" not even "ours" ... we chose a vacation or restaurant goes good it is HIS idea and goes BAD it must have been mine.... i am at my wits end about why this seems to be very targeted to me.
I appreciate the responses and yes it is hard to fathom but is really happening. we are no longer young but I do not feel it is too much to ask for simple respect and if you do not hear something ask for it to be repeated. There are more things that are part of this such as not believing me when he asks IF we have already saw something so he wastes hours starting to watch shows over and over until something makes him say "oh i guess you are right we did see it. "
now i tell him i simply do not know or do the dialogue verbatim and tell him " nope, we did not see i am NOW psychic" or leave the room so he can watch something over and over and over.
it is not fun to have to such and difficult communication issue. He is blaming me for creating tension or distance.... i told him it is the only way to save our marriage.
@toughTiger6481
That's tough I think it'd be best if you seek couples counselling, where you can discuss your relationship and what's been happening, with an impartial third party. I feel like you are reasonable enough to have a conversation however I strongly advise against doing so without someone else. I feel sorry for how underappreciated you feel despite putting the effort into the relationship and not having it recognized stings. I hope the advice I offered helps or that my responses helped offset your frustration.
You've been together for a reason, and it's up to you and him to maintain it, however, if it must crumble for safety reasons or there is no chance of resolving it, then the decision is up to you how you will proceed.
@toughTiger6481
It is sad to hear about your sadness, anger and frustration, especially when I know you are one of the hard-working persons here and you really care about other people.
If you were a person I heard for the first time, I would strongly agree that your partner either behaves in a disrespectful way, or he is extremely introvert or absent-minded, or I would suppose he might have some memory loss or hearing impairment (?), connected with his general health or age.
But... have your ever tried to see the history of your posting here, as if it was not you, but some other person? The big picture for me... you seem to constantly struggle in your relationship, feeling unhappy. I wish you were much more happier...
We are all just humans, making mistakes. And even the best marriages can have their ups and downs. But still I believe a relationship should be about closeness and mutual support, not about fighting and frustration.
Apart from your being here, which is valuable, what would you like to do about your life to feel... happier, more like a loved one?
@jacek73
We have some issues and part is aging and some is narcissistic on his part.
There are many other examples I begged for years for him to get hearing checked ...when he finally did he has some hearing aids for intermittent hearing loss but those seem to only be for at work.... he takes them out at home. He claims I talk loud enough / I feel it is leftover overcompensating for the years before he sought help by an audiologist. so I try to remember to watch volume but also think it is rude he feels other people out in the world are more important to hear clearly ....then I am.
I have dealt with many with hearing loss at work with elderly and family members but they asked for clarification if they were unsure what was said... or what we were talking about .......... he head nods like he got it. Hearing and listening are different things.
I have given him the benefit that as a grown person whom everyone know has some hearing issues it is his responsibility to speak up and ask questions.
not just nod and then PROVE beyond a shadow of a doubt he did not listen or comprehend anything that was said just gave me the false idea by nodding. I know on the big scale of things this seems trivial but the frustration is real. often he gives nonsensical answers since he assumed i said something.
Really feel supported by the up votes and people just reading ( listening) to my vent.
Well for what it's worth, your situation reminds me of a couple of people I've known in my life, and in my case it really frustrated me more than I can express too. It's not wrong to be angry or upset about someone consistently not listening to you and then either minimizing it or denying it. I'm sorry you've had to feel that frustration and the pain of not being heard.. that can really wear you down after a while. I think what you communicate to a loved one should be valued with attention. The people I'm thinking of in my own life had what I would consider narcissistic tendencies.
That being said, it also may be possible for interpersonal reasons to be involved in that type of behavior too. Like if there's too much surface-level communication too often and there's an overall feeling of disconnect between two people, then tuning out could be a side effect and a way of unconsciously not dealing with the issue. But I'm not saying that's what's going on - just considering different possibilities.
@Jigaram
Thanks for your response ...I get it and he has some narc signs has for years but In the end this item only makes him look foolish in front of the one person who has had his back. It is nice though sad to know other deal with this too.
our life is becoming silent as i refuse to deal with this any longer.... I only speak when spoken to and give one word answers........ let him find out the hard way ......for example he told me he was going to a certain place and buy something for me. I KNEW store closed 6 months ago but he says things like i went by there yesterday ( no he did not.... it was far out of his way) and thought of you .........so i let him go then he came home and exclaimed "OMG it is gone"
I said "yep has been for 6 months" .... he said "WHY did you not tell me ?".... I said "how do you know i didn't? "
@toughTiger6481
you're certainly not alone. In my experience I never really knew how to respond to that unchanging behavior except by withdrawing either. I get why your frustration is leading you to feel like you have to use those sorts of tactics to get through to them, and why you desperately want them to come face to face with the consequences of their neglect. Sometimes it feels like that's the only way they'll see. I'm not really sure you'll get the desired change out of that strategy though. I wish I had more to say to help except that I understand and relate to your pain.
I feel he can sense that you are carrying huge load of frustration on your head and he does not want to be part of that heaviness. Just try to calm yourself down by mindful techniques and releasing that to universe. Once you released that heavy load, you will feel lighter and calm. Then try to observe things around you and him. He will definitely interested in that calmer part of you. Let him ask how are you feeling and how you are so calm and peaceful. Thats how i believe you can save the relationship. I am not an expert or trained to provide any guidance but this is how i feel so just sharing with you.
@enlightenedStar6380
I have tried that approach as well giving more leeway benefit of doubt being more open to things and hiding my frustration. It only seems to reaffirm his idea he is fine....
while many may not experience this in this context but maybe in other areas of life..
At work if a person did this to a co-worker etc the disconnect cause bigger issues. I have tried several approaches sought out solutions bought him some of those cognitive supplements try to repeat things to not have this pop up and it does not get better.
After a certain amount of time a person loses the ability to stay calm after repeated times of being ignored or disrespected. and worse yet is if he turns around and thinks ideas or opinions i have shared are now his. actions speak louder then words ... he refuses to improve i will not accept and suck it up anymore.
Yes that sounds very frustrating. I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it but is it possible he has a cognitive impairment that is getting worse? You mentioned getting his ears checked, but perhaps there could be something neurological going on that is preventing him from focusing on what someone is saying. You mentioned that he does this with others and not just you, so it doesn't sound like he is just "tuning you out". I hope I am wrong about this.
@Spiritus1111
I have thought that but when he chooses he is sharp and attentive ... he has a rather important job and seems to be on top of his game when he is at home but having meetings or answering work items on his work phone.
I really have had that disconnect for a long times. work has always took first place... fine but paying a small amount of attention when we are speaking.... i told him about an article i read on computer while at work... he often scrolls through laptop and the proceeds to READ to me the article i told him about ... he does not stop even when i said yes that is one i read ,,,, he keeps reading.... then looks up and says that is close to whatever you were talking about what do you think ?
i just walk away no use in telling him how insane this is to READ to me an article after i said many times" i already read that".... he is mad that i interrupted him.
I've faced the exact same thing with my father. I have also seen a story of a man who pretended to be deaf for a long time, then had his wife learn sign language for 2 years then when she did, he pretended to have vision problems too.
I'm tired too. I live in a society where people need to live with their parents until marriage (not that I would leave anyway since he is too old and needs help)
But the message I'm getting is, that he doesn't want to hear me speak, or would rather listen to a video or talk to "important people" instead of me.
Watch how talkative he gets when I take his phone to repair something, suddenly he has all the questions in the world and needs to know every step I'm taking.
He says I'm his favorite person, but to me it just feels like he likes my presence and feels comforted in it, but not to talk to.
I read somewhere also that vitamin D deficiency makes people slow to process and answer info.
That is very possible, he is old, doesn't see the sun, still working to this day and very busy and bombarded.
I can't console you, just letting you know that you are not alone.
@FictionAddiction123
Edit, just checked the dead man story, is false.
No clue. But my ex husband did it, and current “part-net” does the same. Invisible
@CocoPinkCrow
do you seek out conversations with other people? to have someone to have a real conversations and interaction.
I speak of world / local events / issues with work friends .... speak of more personal things with a online friend and feel more connected to those people then I do him. it is important to keep up a friendship and connection.