What do I REALLY want?
Folks. I'm an empty nester. I've been married for 23 years but an year after the child left for the university, I split with my husband. I feel like I gave my all to my family and what's left is an empty shell with no personal desires, dreams and goals. Everything seems meaningless. OK, I am working, doing sports, volunteering, still helping kid financially and emotionally. I worked on my values and beliefs, rewired my brain to be looking for positive and yet, what I REALLY want is missing.
Does someone who went through similar crisis have an advice for me?
Thank you!
@Dossema
I think this is an item many empty nester face. We also reach a point of not knowing what we want. Was the marriage ending part of the restless / unhappy/ unsure feeling? Or is it you now see different paths.
Work at this point is not as fulfilling as i thought it might be..... I have found a couple of friends that i can have long conversations with .. that i can talk about things from a 20/20 hindsight sort of thing ... Spouse seems oblivious to the feeling of being alone .......even when he asks about if i have heard from kids and updates i get to the point of wanting him to call/ text them himself.
I asked how he felt as the youngest child is moving very far away and he seems to not feel left out/ behind he did not have as close of a relationship with the kids.
I look at it like a sitcom........... It is hard to go from a series regular in kids lives to a occasional guest star that only shows up on holiday and big event episodes. It seems we are waiting for the next event or holiday to make an appearance....
I'm completely OK with the fact that the kid lives alone now, I don't feel left out at all, nor am I waiting impatiently for the next event. It's lack of purpose I struggle with, lack of hobbies, own wishes and desires. I do sports, eat healthy, work and everything that is needed but the big question is : what for?!
I'm doing it because I have to keep going..
My spouse, he is not in touch with the kid, stopped going out and doing things with me, so I requested that we live separately.
I don't feel lonely. But missing the end goal of the game..
@Dossema
I guess setting goals of someplace you might like to see or do.... i have a few of those.... lots of things that have small windows of time of year example that coordinating the travel/ time and such can keep me occupied and looking forward to things.
It’s how one feels when the children grow up and are busy in their lives, just another phase of life
I can relate to feeling like an empty shell. I’m very sorry, that is not a good feeling. 😔
It sounds like you stay busy so that’s definitely a positive! I find it helps to stay busy.
I definitely do not have dreams and goals like I once did, but I also think searching for purpose can be emotionally draining.
Maybe it would be better to enjoy life without seeking a purpose—at least for a little while. Maybe a purpose will come to you when you’re not looking for it. 😊
@Olive1Q82 Are you being present or just costing through the moments? I know life can be busy and we get into the good old routine and sometimes we're there but NOT REALLY THERE.... Making a commitment to be FULLY present and take note of everything may spark something IF needed. Make a new goal for yourself, volunteer with people who may need support or a kind word. Take a dance class, join a hiking group, book club.....find something that you really enjoy!! Sometimes we just need a little nudge🤩
@creativeHemlock1369 COASTING not costing😀
I'm constantly working on being present, I appreciate nature and small moments but everything is empty, shallow and meaningless.
I am working out, rowing, volunteering in 2 communities, climbing the ladder at work, traveling, working on my self development. Busy and present as possible. And still missing purpose.
@Dossema I'm going through something very similar right now. My identity before today was that of a provider (from the age of 8). I went right out of high school to leave my mother and brothers and start my own family where I put 30 years into that. My children all all grown and living happy lives, just as I had worked for. But that didn't leave room for me, and now I'm starting over with a largely blank slate. I struggle to find a new role and identity for me, and it's intimidating.
I dont have advice to you becuse i have no experieced to fix this. Becuse i am too in this crisis and i am facing it.
So i have some thoughts to share.
I am seen this in this phase.
Loss of identity, desires, goals, direction, purpouse, feeling lost deep within, and many other things..
Till now I have seen a lot of things coming and going but even when I do not have anything, there is always something with me which does not separate from me, that is the reason of my existence, which is most important and essential for me and which is never going to separate.
Whatever I have, whatever is always with me, I start with that.
I am started to rediscover and understanding the cise of that problems and trying to solve or fix it and address the root cause of that. And explore what i actually need in life ?,
what is most important in my life ?
what i want in my life ?
What is my personality, strenghts, weaknesses ? ...
I am struggling and facing problems a lot but i want to face it i am putting efforts as i can, i am learning and growing internally and deeply connecting the reality and truth of me.
Now i feel stronger and i gain some understanding about me and many important things i seeing in this phase which are lessons is important in life .
Be thankfull of what you have, that have importance in life. Imagine What would happen if we didn't have what we have?
All the best.
You doing many things well which is important in life, you can do it .
Best wishes from me🙏😊💐
Thank you, my dear!
The problem is that I have no problems, nor something I cherish, except for some people in my life.
Life itself is so meaningless, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that it has some purpose..
We were just born, without even giving our concent about it, and now we have to carry on and carry that burden for years.
Gosh, I am greatful that I didn't give life to more kids.
@Dossema
Your post resonates with me and I'm sure others in our age group too.
I don't want to repeat what other people said in their eloquent answers.
A couple of things come to my mind, they may not apply to you, but regardless...
Are you sure you're not depressed or going through adjustment or grieving?
Are you interested in spirituality? I'm not talking organized religion here, BTW.
Are you interested in finding love and/or a soulmate?
Coming from someone who tends to disassociate, I can lead myself to a type of coma. I push all my needs aside for everyone else's needs and when they don't need help and a crisis is over, I feel empty. Lost. No purpose. And those things lead to no emotion for me. Like being in limbo.
This isn't exactly your situation but the feeling is. I have found, in my younger years when I was in this rut, I would watch random YouTube or podcasts outside my norm. I would scan through local adult groups to see what might spark an interest. Like a hiking group, crafting, pottery, even take a class at a cc community center.
The point is, if your lost make a list and do things outside your norm. What you'll find d is meeting new and interesting people. They also have other hobbies and interests. Allow yourself to expand on others experiences and ideas and quite quickly you could find a new special interest to fill some of that void. Something that excites you again and you build a life around yourself, instead of always everyone else now.
I took a painting course or 2, met a cool guy who painted planets. My experience of following JamesbWebb Telescope and nasal photos lead me to a group for Astronomical Society. Now I have started doing time lapse and telescope / digital astrophotography. And if you stay lost, at least enjoy the ride?! 🥳🤠💥💯
@Dossema
The cause is very different for me. I stopped drinking after 30 years to save my life. Once i got over withdrawal including PAWS which took about 6 months i found that none of the things i once enjoyed are enjoyable including spending time with friends of family. I have tried doing these things to regain my love of them which has not worked. I have tried cultivating new interests, meeting new people, positive affirmations, mindfulness, and just about anything i can find. This has not helped and has only gotten worse to the point were i no longer feel any positive emotions.
Now I wonder why i stop drinking just to exist. Alcoholism is a terrible humiliating way to die. If i knew then what i know now I would be dead by now.