Starting over in midlife (relationships)
I woke up this morning feeling... terrified.
I want to wake up every morning feeling like it's the first day of the rest of my life. Make the most of it. Grab the bull by the horns (why would anyone really want to do that???). Make my life count for something.
I'm a parent with one kid still in high school, one away in college. I'm divorced. I am currently in a relationship, but it's not going well. I feel a desperate need to let it go finally, as I believe it really has reached its expiration date. But I feel a desperate need to cling to it because of some idea I have that it will somehow get better (it's not getting better!). I think I'm actually terrified of starting over again, but I'm also terrified of being stuck in an unhealthy relationship cycle (no more details needed there, let's just say it needs to end, I just don't want to let it go).
I know I don't need a relationship to be whole. I can give myself the pep talk that everything's gonna be okay. Why am I so scared of letting go of all the anger/hurt/frustration that comes with this relationship?
Anyone out there with any words of wisdom to share, please share.
I feel lost and hopeless (about this relationship, I have given my all and i've repeatedly come to the relalization that it's almost like trying to have a relatinship with a brick wall)
I feel frustrated and angry (I've put in sooo much effort to try to make this work. But I'm not getting much in return).
I think my partner struggles with depression, anxiety, and a host of past traumas, but they won't seek help. My partner is stuck in a very negative cycle and it greatly impacts this relationship and our ability to have meaningful connections.
I can rant forever, but I won't.
Thanks for reading and whatever stories you want to share are welcome. :)
@GoingInCircles365
It is hard when we are older and we are concerned that the choices are limited and we start holding on to less then ideal. life is too short and yes it may be harder to find replacement relationships but it is not worth sticking with a semi bad one because fear of being alone.
It is hard to deal with a person if depressed and not seeking help ... it is often a combination of things .. like older folks sometimes did not seek help as it was not as common when they were younger.
Also for some age where they may feel best days are behind them is really depressing.
@toughTiger6481
You are definitely correct with the statement that they feel their best days are behind them.
That, plus they have so many regrets about past situations that are soooo far gone they couldn't possibly be undone. Some people (like me) say "Yep, I learned a lesson there" and move on. Some people (like my partner) get really hung up on all those past regrets and can't seem to let them slip into the past.
And yes, life is really too short to stay stuck in a situation that we have the power to change. My younger self would have already moved on. My younger self was ... young, carefree, invincible, and full of possibilities! Lol. My current self is feeling a bit like I just want inner peace and no unnecessary stress.
@GoingInCircles365 sounds like your partner has put a load of stress on your shoulders by not exactly being what you need them to be right how. partners are supposed to support each other but i feel like maybe its been one sided?
when you have a feeling its over, its over. its really hard letting go of someone, especially a romantic partner. there's a difference between a rough patch, and just knowing its done. you've come to terms with it being done. you seem to WANT to get out of this relationship but your past relationship anxiety has got you on a holding line. what's best for us is never easy. right now in not only your eyes, but In my eyes too its best to just let this one go.
you seem to be confusing your divorce with your current partners situation. when you break up, yes its hard, but you don't start over. yes you gotta learn to let that person go but its not totally starting over. divorcing someone is when you start all over. I understand your fear. its a justified fear too. but don't let the feelings of fear keep you from becoming the best you. letting go is one of the hardest things ever. but in the end you'll find happiness. not tomorrow. not the week after. but at somepoint you'll come to terms with the feeling of content. then you'll meet someone new. and who knows. it could work out.
just have hope and believe in yourself like I believe in you. this is hard, but you've got this.
@GoingInCircles365,
I was a partner who got stuck in a negative cycle. It created pain, did damage me hence my soon to be ex wife. And yes, I worked myself out of it, alone, I did not get the help I needed, help I couldn't express as I couldn't connect with me and ask myself "what do you need right now".
My wife has a past which didn't make it easier. She found support elsewhere, online yet close. Understandable yet devastating to me.
She wanted to try again, the love ran and still runs deep. Yet she opted for divorce while keeping her door open.
She once wrote me "I love you, and I love me too". And I think that is what it comes down to, to love yourself first, to choose you. Without that, you'd sooner or later become an empty shell seeking for love elsewhere. Which simply won't work.
Love for someone else is not enough if you don't love you first.
@dukeofdearham
It sounds like you went through a pretty painful process.
You're absolutely right that a person needs to take care of themselves first before they can become a fully functional partner in a relationship.
@GoingInCircles365,
Thx. And I absolutely understand where you are at.
Desperation is never a good reason to do anything. It is also the state you described yourself as being in. If your current relationship is that unproductive, if it is that much like talking to "a brick wall", then the odds are it will not improve by your staying in it & sacrificing whatever well-being you have left.
In short: dump him. No matter your age, you don't need inert cargo slowing you down in life. It sounds like your SO is nothing more than that, at best.
Why do you fear being single? That is the question you must answer, as specifically as you can. Once you answer it, perhaps you'll realize it's not such a bad way to live. If you are meant to have a companion then you can surely find a better one, though I would wait a while after getting rid of what you have now. Maybe take a year off to work on yourself, & get into a better space mentally. Just my two cents.
@slowdecline48
Thanks for your reply. You bring up some good points.
I'm finding it hard to be totally clear with myself about this relationship. On good days, it's really good, and on bad days, everything feels all wrong. It's so unpredictable that the only predictable thing about the mood is its unpredictability. I know it isn't a healthy cycle.