How do you deal with a passive aggressive introverted narcissitic spouse?
For many years I've dealt with this issue with my wife, and according to my other threads, it seems that others are dealing with the same thing too. How do you cope with this in your own home? Are there ways to bring about change in their behavior? What success have you had if any?
I don't know about others, but I'm getting really tired of trying to cope and deal with this in my wife. I simply don't understand why she has to be this way. I'm not a hard person to get along with at all. In fact, many people who know me find me to be a pleasant and easy person to converse and get along with.
So why is it such a struggle for my wife to be a loving and caring spouse towards me? Why all the head games? I just don't get it!
Hopefully this can be a thread where many of us who struggle with this in our spouses can come together and maybe find some answers beside leaving and getting a divorce. I'd rather that not become an option for me, but I'll be darned if I'm going to live the rest of my life like this. I'd rather be single and on my own than deal with this anymore.
So what say you? Got any advice? Or maybe you want to vent your struggles here too. If so, let-r-rip!
@Spearman6
this thread really hits home. So many similarities I am coping with in my marriage. We’ve been married for o Ed thirty years. It’s been up and down…and in between her outbursts of anger and blame, there have been some fun times. And I wonder, is it really worth it. I want to be happy without walking around the house on eggshells, waiting to be yelled at for not goi g something, or not doing something “correctly”…that is, her way. Early on in our relationship I saw this but totally ignored it..,it will get better I thought..sure..big mistake. I was fooling myself. And now that we have an empty house, it has gotten worse to an extent. We have a platonic relationship..we are roommates ..that’s it.
I have also struggled myself for many years, drying my true self until recently. But I am afraid to share that with her since it would give her a built in excuse to blame me for the failure of our marriage. I would like to divorce, be free, and be myself….but that thought of her once again blaming me for everything really bothers me
@pluckyPlane316
I get what your saying. Yes, it seems we're experiencing the same thing. It's sad to think I regret getting married to her now. We've had our ups and downs too. Mostly downs now and I seem to have lost my sense of identity as well. I don't even know who I am anymore. However, I'm trying to make a comeback and make myself mentally and emotionally healthy again. Been too codependent for too long. But I'm working on that too.
Every narcissist latches on to an empath. At least that's been my experience, it's a toxic cycle that ends up getting you really sick. I realized that even after I was able to separate from my endless efforta of Forgiving, and patience, and tolerance, and attempts at healthy debates, social outings, family gatherings, literally this person that i was invested soooo much into, with little room for anyone to argue that i was a decent human being toward this person's irrational bs and way of thinking, but it took me a while to realize that i became a version of myself that i didn't like. I learned a ton of unhealthy behaviors, and all the years of his gaslighting and numbing to save some parts of my perspective kinda messed me up but also the people that i cared about were in a sense robbed from their genuine peice of "me"
To be honest let them be and let them live with their ideas.... No matter what you will always be wrong.
Space and separate time to grow will quickly get them into action if they are willing to change. Best thing is bounce and see if something ignites in them to appreciate you. Other wise accept what you got going on and accept the fact that you will become a lifeless zombie... They mold you into what they want when they can't even stand themselves ... Kind of a lose lose homie. Good luck
Omg i didn't realize this was for 50 and older. I should be asking for advice from you. I apologize if my expression came off insensitive or ignorant. I honestly feel like that's the best advise anyone could have given me tho.
Hmm I understand that is a challenging situation and most feel frustrated. Perhaps it has something to do with her upbringing. Maybe she wasn’t brought up and surrounded with someone to show her how to openly communicate and let out her feelings. Maybe she’s stressed? Have you let her know this upsets you? Create a safe space to openly have a conversation. Sit one and one and let how you feel out and if she truly loves you and empathizes recognizing how her behavior makes you feel that way then that’s a step forward . It does take some patience especially for you but make sure you both have an understanding of each other. Let it be known how you feel and teach her how to do so. Go on date nights, refresh your guys love. Maybe go back in time and recreate how you met. Do the exact same first date to rekindle the love and spark
The only person you can change is yourself. Try focusing on you, detach from needing her love, and love yourself. Your life will be quieter, easier, and it’s likely you’ll have a better relationship with others bc you’re not demanding they change to make you feel better.
I had to do this, and though my life is not how I planned, I feel a lot better about myself. My husband can come around and love me or not. It doesn’t matter bc I love me. 😉
@yardcarrot
Well, I wonder if it's easier for a woman to do that than a guy like me. I need things from her that I'm not getting at all, if you know what I mean. It's how men feel close to their wives. I do okay for a while, but then I struggle needing physical intimacy that she's not really willing to give or even interested in. Its hard on me. I can do okay for a while, but then it really gets to me at times.
@Spearman60
You're right, men's love language is different from women's. Men love more physically while women more emotionally. The flip side is, men consider physical the worst infidelity while for women it's the emotional one. Talk to her, maybe she would not mind you sleeping with other women?
@LostTurtle2
Well, as tempting as that may be under these circumstances, she would be crushed I'm sure. Although, she would probably find some satisfaction of being more superior in being "faithful." I think sometimes that deep down inside, she would like for me to fail so she would feel more superior and self righteous. Oh well........ 😊
Sitting here wanting to express and say something to make myself feel better, but I can't seem to find the words to say that haven't already been said throughout my few threads I've posted. Maybe I've exhausted my use here at 7 Cups. What more is there to say other than to ramble like I'm doing right now? I've done my share of venting of my frustrations with my marriage and dealing with my passive aggressive wife. I don't know, guess it could be worse.
I don't mean to sound pathetic, but I just don't have any companionship with my wife at all. No intimacy, no closeness. Just 2 people living under the same roof.
I don't even really have any friends to confide in and enjoy a friendship with. Seems the only "friends" I have are people who need something from me, mainly my carpenter skills.
I don't know, I may bow out of this forum eventually. Seems I've exhausted myself here expressing my issues over and over again and not really getting me anywhere accept an occasional person who might sympathize with me because they're going through the same thing. Guess I was hoping to make some friends on line here, but this forum is so restrictive in some ways.
Well, I'm done rambling now... time to go do something to get my mind off things... 😊
@Spearman60
I believe in you.
I hear you!
and I understand you
@Spearman60
Yes the site here is restrictive in some things, bit nothing stops you from reaching out to a listener and find one that you like and strike a friendship that way. Believe me it's doable and worth trying.
@spearman60
I had a lovely trip but got ill after home been dealing with that........ spouse is fine being a roommate cannot even fake concern over my well being....
looking to move have some items around here to clear up and make division of property.......
This type of spouse will NEVER be better so for me to enjoy any of my life i must leave.
@toughTiger6481
I'm sorry it's come to that. Things are still the same here, not much has changed. There was a time or two when a door of opportunity came to talk about it, but it didn't get very far. I just don't understand why she doesn't pursue some kind of reconciliation in our marriage. Or at least make an effort of some kind.
So do you have someplace to go if you leave? How is he responding to you leaving? Based on what you've shared in the past, I suppose this is going to be a strain on you financially. Really sorry its come to this in your life. Hope you keep in touch and let me know how you're doing.... 😊
@Spearman60
Have a place he mistakenly thinks he is following told him NOPE ..........I REALLY do not get it as they cannot be happy as is .... why they seem to have no interest in improving
I’m not an expert in narcissistic relationships unless well with family, but from what I hear one of the best things to do is avoid giving too much attention to their behavior like go full grey rock method. Don’t try to change anyone because personality wise narcissists don’t ever want to change. Just start setting more boundaries and don’t give in to feeling like you need them. No matter what.
@Directionless99
I've been making it a practice not to give her much attention to that. I gave up hope for change years ago. I stay involved with my hobbies and things I like to do to help keep my mind focused. I'm also learning to quit being so co-dependent on her as well. If I didn't do these things, I would be most miserable... way more than I am with her now... 😊
