Hiding from surviving

Not sure what direction this is headed. The title was just a few words I was able to grab from my racing thoughts.

I have a bunch of things I want to put down here, but I fear I have already written them here before, probably multiple times.

What is surviving anyway? Is it waking up and breathing everyday? Even though everything on the inside is a complete shambles. Pretending that everything is okay? Or is it waking up everyday with the ambition to try and thrive at something/anything/everything?

I don’t know how to describe my life other than hiding from surviving. I thought that I wanted to get better but I believe my chance in time to do that has long since passed. Hiding to me mean’s trying to hide the intense pains (mental and physical) from everyone including myself. It means hiding my true desires and thoughts from all including me.

So if surviving is only just breathing and nothing else, maybe I could be classified as surviving. Not saying that I believe that.

I am stuck with continuing to hide since my issues continue to pile up and my body is failing more and more every day. My phobias are increasing and I am losing all interest in what little is left outside my home. I’m done “fighting” for anything other than what I have. Which isn’t anything.

So hiding from surviving must be a summation of my so called life.