Why do I have to always be the one to breath life into this marriage?
Well, yesterday was one of my toughest days. I felt a lot of
depression and anxiety over my life with her and it was just getting to
me. I couldn't even focus on my hobbies or anything else. I was in an
irritable mood all day. I really wanted to just run away. I'm taking the day off with the house to myself
again today, hoping I can feel better. Right now, I just don't even want to go to work.
By the end of the day yesterday, I just wanted to go out in the middle of a field and scream my head off, or go out in the garage and take a sledge hammer to something. This challenge I'm faced with in my marriage is the kind of stuff that causes affairs. Wives who are so unwilling to take care of their husbands both emotionally and physically, it will cause some to stray and seek out an extramarital affair. Some may disagree with that, but it's true. Right now, I'm dealing with that temptation at times. I don't want to do that. But I'm just frustrated with her and tired of it all. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Someone told me in another thread suggesting that I should stop complaining so much about this. Well... I come here as an outlet to unload my brain on this in hopes that it will make me feel better. And at times it does... to connect with others who sympathizes the dilemma I'm in. So please spare me any criticism in this because that's not what I need right now. If that's all you have to offer, then please just don't contribute to this thread with your comments. No one knows or understands the full scope of what I've been dealing with here in this 40+ year marriage. I just can't believe it's come down to this... a lifeless careless marriage where the wife just won't contribute and help breath life into it.
Anyway... I may regret posting this later, but it is what it is....
@Spearman60
Hey, if she doesn't care enough to maintain your marriage then you shouldn't be putting so much effort in. Just don't engage in any affairs because then she has ammunition
@Spearman60 I am going through a similar thing in my marriage. She claims it is about her body image (she is smoking hot, for her age but believes she should still look like a20 year old) or claiming fatique, as a reason to pull away emotionally and physically. She says she is working on it but its been month and slowly getting worse pulling us further apart.
@forcefulMelon4571
Women don't realize how much husbands need the physical part of marriage. And I get it what they need from husbands, but it works both ways. A wife withholding herself from her husband like mine does is the very thing that encourages affairs. This mindset she has about "if you want it, you'll come get it" attitude doesn't help either. Maybe that's okay with some men, but I need the sweetness and affection from her too, not just physical sex.
@Spearman60 I have fought this battle with my husband of 32 years. And now I must go. I am so sorry that he withheld his love and affections from me because I was completely in it "for better or for worse." The reason I am here and working with a counselor is for support to find a path out. Because that is definitely uncharted territory. Many blessings on you. I understand your struggle and pain all too well.
@Spearman60 you are recognizing the issues which is good. Let her know that is how you feel. And talk it out together. Maybe she's not one for confrontation. U say she always shies away. Maybe that's her way of coping but if that's not working for you let her know that you prefer her to step in. Sometimes it's nice when people do things without being asked but unfortunately people are not always mind readers maybe they hope the problems will just blow over or to them maybe it doesn't seem as big as a problem. 40 yrs is impressive. Hopefully the remaining years wnt be miserable ones. I hope the best for you guys but you were mentioning affairs. If you're recognizing that you are that unhappy maybe you should just let her know and divorce rather than hang around unhappily. That way at least one way or another you are moving forward. Having an affair isn't your only option for happiness. You may be happy with someone else on the side -and maybe you guys could have an actual good relationship together but if you really want to work on the marriage you're in right now let you're significant other know. If they still don't want to fight or try anything then I guess that's your sign to back away and sign divorce papers. Then you can move on happily and not have to worry about it being an affair. I don't really know what you mean by breathing life into the marriage.? If you're meaning things aren't as exciting or that the communication is down,. ? again it sucks that she's not stepping in but if that has always been her way, you cannot fault her for being herself. Now that does not mean she should not try. She can communicate in other ways but it may mean that it's a separate struggle for her altogether and you guys may have to address it and decide if it's worth it for the both of you. 40 years would be hard to give up on but at the same time just because people are together a long time does not mean they are the best for each other. people are growing and changing all the time. You both may have really loved each other and at one point have been really good matches for each other but that won't necessarily be true forever as we grow & change. That's not saying anything negative about either of you guys it's just the way things are sometimes. So maybe you guys should assess how you both are feeling and decide if another 40 years would be fantastic, or like a slow torture..?.. Lol... But seriously you both may have frustrations that you are both unaware of. But hopefully can work through. Even if you don't work out, you guys can work towards a solution together. One way or another. And remember, we are all just human, and we all have our own personalities.. things change don't let that make either one of you the bad one, just no longer the right one. Hopefully you guys are still the right one for each other and just need to communicate a bit :-) but if not let it be known and just move forward one way or another. Actually say it. Say I'm really unhappy, I feel I'm the one putting in the effort, can we talk? Here's what's bothering me, .. what's bothering you? Do you think you can work it out or do you think we should move on..? That conversation needs to happen if you want to get out of this frustrating loop. Come up with steps that you both can't commit to to move forward and if you guys go find yourself not committing or not having it be a priority then I guess that lets you both know where you both stand. And move on from there. Anyways I hope this was helpful and well done on your first 40 years :-) spouse or not I hope your next 40 years are happy for the both of you.
@lavenderHuman9430
Thanks for your post. What I mean by "breathing life into this marriage" is that I seem to always be the one that has to do things to keep it alive. I have to be the one that's making all the effort. It's like people who expect you to be the life of the party, and the moment you're not, the party dies. Hope that makes sense... 😊
Her being introverted and passive aggressive seems to make it my responsibility to keep our marriage alive all the time. If I have a bad day, and I'm feeling down, I get no encouragement or passion from her whatsoever. She's never taken up the responsibility of being the encourager. It's just not her nature. She seldom ever takes a proactive part in our marriage. It's always been up to me.
So that's a bit of what I'm dealing with in her.
And if I get another 40 years, that would put me at 103 years old... LOL!
@Spearman60 first of all much compassion :) and I wish you all the best
Getting the Love You Want - Book by Harville Hendrix
I would recommend you read this book and ask your wife to kindly participate in the exercises; it has helped a lot of people! I hope everything will be fine for you