@forcefulFriend4768
Hey Friend,
Firstly, I am sorry to hear about the passing of your father-in-law. I hope he's in a better place now.
Secondly, it's great that you're nurturing and have natural caregiver instincts; that speaks to your character and shows that you're coming from a place of good intentions. However, you're absolutely right about needing to stay on track with regards to your mental health and needs as well. We can't be there for others completely if we ourselves are still in a place of turmoil and struggle. It's also important to remember and internalize that there's nothing selfish or "wrong" with prioritizing your needs and self-care; if anything, self-care is brave and selfless if the goal is ultimately for us to reach a place where we can be there for others effectively.
You've posed some very profound questions and unfortunately, I don't believe there are one-size-fits-all answers to them. From personal experience, the answer to finding a balance for me came from within. Through deliberate self-reflection, I was able to identify the parts of myself that I needed to work on and take care of, both emotionally and intellectually. As for where finding a balance starts? I would think it starts from a place of acceptance; the acceptance that I need to heal first before I can be there for others and that there's nothing wrong with that, as I have mentioned above.
As for your second question, I can't offer you an answer; at best I could share my perspective on the matter since I too dealt with something similar a while ago. For me, the first-step was in changing my vocabulary; people are not objects that need to be "fixed" or are "broken." We're sentient beings, that experience a range of highs and lows. Instead, what we need is to be supported every now and then and cared for, if need be, as we go through these experiences. Once I changed my vocabulary, I realized that I was not at the center of the situation nor did I have the right to be superior (to describe myself as a "fixer" implies that I have certain qualities that render me more capable than the person requiring "fixing"). Consequently, my dynamics with others changed and the need to "fix" other people went away, giving them the space to reach out to me if they needed to, and I supporting them in the way that they needed me to. My relationships then became healthier and more constructive.
I'm not sure if this makes sense to you but just thought I'd share my perspective in case any part of it does resonate. You're providing an incredible service to others but I hope you don't lose sight of your needs in the process :)
Take care and good luck!
