Daughter/Grandson Worries
My daughter allowed herself to get pregnant while she was in college. She was dating a guy and called me one day and said another girl thought she was pregnant with his child. I told my daughter — pleaded with her to make sure she did not get pregnant by him. I knew that would be a huge disaster, and I also knew that I would not be mentally able to deal with it.
She did not listen, and now here we are 10 years later. I love my grandson with all my heart, but he knows he has a half sister who is four months older than he is. It bothers him a lot that he never sees her, and at this point he is not old enough to realize the drama of the situation. The relationship did not work out with my daughter and his father, of course. I think his dad became depressed, and he has ended up doing some very stupid things. Right now he is in jail. I am just blown away by this whole situation. I have never even gotten a speeding ticket and never got in trouble when I was in school as a child. My grandson knows his dad is in jail, and this will be the first Christmas without his dad. My grandson is of course sad.
I am angry with my daughter for many reasons. I also feel that she is not being as good of a mom as she should be. She bosses my grandson around constantly and is not nice about it. She does not spend quality time with him and is not often loving towards him.
This situation has destroyed me, and there is no hope of it getting better. I have a good job, but I do not have mental health coverage under my insurance policy. I seriously need to see a therapist and a psychiatrist because I am so stressed out over this situation with my daughter. I am fearful that my grandson is going to grow up and have major issues. He has been diagnosed recently with ADHD, and along with that has some oppositional defiant disorder issues. The way my daughter parents him does not help. He is on ADHD meds, and luckily they are helping, but I am concerned about the potential effects they are having on his heart, and I am also concerned about him needing to take the medication for the rest of his life in order for him to be a pleasant person to be around.
I have no support system. I wish I could just vanish or that I would have an accident that causes amnesia.
I am frustrated that I do not have mental health coverage, but I do not want to switch insurance policies because all the policies these days have very high deductibles for the same price as my current policy, and my policy has a very low deductible and excellent coverage for everything other than mental health.
I am not happy and am very depressed. I really do not understand why anyone wants to be alive.
@halfempty1
I hope you can see the world of your daughter and even your grandson are not on your shoulders we can do so much to try to fix things for others but it takes a huge mental toll....
have you spoken to your daughter about things or simply explained the best you can to grandson kids are more resilient than we give them credit for..... do not stress all this is NOT your problem to fix.
I talk to my daughter regularly about all this, and my grandson and I are very close. I have my work schedule arranged so that I am able to pick him up from his charter school.
I am a very sensitive person, which is both good and bad. I have a lot of empathy, but it comes back to haunt me because I feel very sad for a lot of people and for animals.
We can only do so much, but I am just worried that the drama is never going to end. I know I cannot control what happens or the choices others make, but I feel like there is always going to be this HUGE cloud of major dysfunction, and I am just really sick of it. My dad was an alcoholic, and so are my two siblings. My brother quit drinking, but my sister still drinks to the point of passing out. My mother is codependent and makes excuses for everyone. I tried very hard to get my children out of the dysfunction, but here we are with this situation! And it is a major one!
@halfempty1
I hear you and can empathize but i learned awhile ago destroying your mental health and such helps no one in the end
True! It also doesn’t help that I am totally alone. I don’t even really have friends. One of my friends lives in another state and just opened a business. I never see her, and now she’s very busy. My other friend is a doctor, and in the past five weeks he has hardly been responding to my text messages. He also lives in another state, so I rarely see him. I have known him 26 years and am now feeling somewhat abandoned by him. That in itself is a whole other issue.
I work from home and am very isolated. Again, more issues! The main person I see and spend time with is the grandson I am so worried about.
@halfempty1 I understand the situation is frustrating. I am in a similar situation with my twin sister and her two young children. Unfortunately, this is your daughter's journey. You can provide support and guidance but at the end of the day, you need to have boundaries and live your own life. There are therapy services through 7 cups and it is reasonably priced, have you checked on those?
I wish you strength in handling this situation <3
Thank you. It is my daughter’s journey, but it isn’t hers alone. She is dragging my grandson along with her and me as well because I care about my grandson!
My daughter isn’t totally horrible, and she has managed to get a master’s degree in the last few years. My grandson does see her working hard, and she does keep their house clean and takes him to his various sports activities. I just wish she was not SO bossy and that she would spend more time interacting with him.
@halfempty1
I don't want to come across as harsh but she got pregnant so she SHOULD take responsibility for her child not only that but be a better parent towards him. She chose to not use protection so she can't hate her life or take it out on him. I really think you should talk to her about how important it is to be a loving mother because that child really deserves it
I hear what you are saying, but I truly love my grandson and feel that I need to be there for him. I have talked to her about her behaviors and continue to do so. She is a smart girl, has always worked hard, and is always be recognized for her job performance. She has been doing better with my grandson, but she still needs to improve on the way she interacts with him.
I think all this is really bothering me more than usual (and even “usual” is a lot) because of the holidays. My grandson’s dad is going to be in jail for not showing up for a probation meeting. It is ridiculous! What he got in trouble with to begin with was drug possession. I am just so angry at him for being so stupid and putting my grandson through this!
Hi
i highly suggest you join a support group, there are plenty of virtual support groups ever since covid. Look into free counseling online, i know there are NGOs that do free counselling. I suggest you and your daughter see a therapist together and the grandchild stays with you some days. I dont want to make a big deal out of it, but the child needs as much love especially at such a vunerable age.
Thank you. I do try to spend a lot of time with my grandson. I agree that it’s very important he gets a lot of love.
Thank you. I do try to spend a lot of time with my grandson. I agree that it’s very important he gets a lot of love.