Struggling with loneliness and depression
I'm going to post here as the other threads I've posted in other forums that I think my post should go but teens reply giving me advice and I feel uncomfortable talking with minors. And no offense but they haven't gone through what I've gone through so while I don't mean to be rude I get tired of them saying they know how I feel.
I've been struggling with extreme loneliness lately. I've been living with my dad and his wife since last year, something happened to me that I won't metion here in case it's triggering to others and I'm still awating the outcome so to say. This July my dad found out he has stage 4 cancer. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, I hadn't seen my dad in years and hadn't planned on living with him, until my incident happened last February. It's hard because I'm struggling with how I feel about him and this and a bunch of things he did to me as a child and my current mental health issues. Last year he got me a job that I absoutely hate. I've told him how much I want to quit and he won't let me. I've had panic attacks and breakdowns at work. The enviroment is incredibly toxic. Since the last week of October I've been working from home as there have been mutiple cases of coronavirus. I prefer working from home but I don't know if I'll be able to continue. I'm having to retake my driver's ed and I hate to drive because I feel like I'll crash the car on purpose. My anxiety is so bad I have brain fog, my instructor has yelled at me for forgetting what I was supposed to do and has made me feel like an idiot and failure. My dad and his wife won't let it go that I don't want to drive and I strongly feel I'm going to fail my test. I'm embarassed as I'm 35, living with my dad and I don't like or want to drive.
I've been struggling so bad with my extreme loneliness that I sent two advice columinst advice on how to learn to be happy being alone, by that I mean no family, friends or partner. They haven't replied back yet. My family is a very complicated situation. Everytime I try to make friends they find out what happened last year and they leave me. People can't handle what happened and have no interest in being my friend. I want to be honest with people but I also don't want to lie to them.
I want to move but I feel like my family and my father's coworkers (who know almost everything about my life because my dad tells them everything about me without my permission) will be angry with me if I leave. They will think or tell me to my face I'm a whiny baby whose father did so much for me and this is how I repay him. I can't live where I'm living anymore and I feel if things don't get better I'll never be able to move away. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so miserable.
@compassionateSpruce8482
That sounds unbearable. :( No wonder you feel miserable.
I relate to the teens giving advice thing here on 7cups. I know young people who are wiser than their years, but there are certain things that only can be learned by experience.
I would also have a hard time with someone else telling other people all about me. I'm not on Facebook and such, and I don't share easily with others in person/in real life, and prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. Most people would not understand those thoughts or see any value in pondering the things I ponder. When I do get together with my extended family, I always feel like I am under interrogation, as my aunts in particular are always quizzing me about this or that, so others in the room turn their attention to me, to see what I will say, making me feel even more self-conscious. I feel like snapping, "If I feel like sharing, I will say something." but I am too polite, I guess.
Driving takes a lot of focus, for sure. I think it requires developing skills that aren't universal to everyone. Some people just take to it naturally but others need more time. I failed my exams the first time. I failed to stop completely when turning right at a red stoplight, and the instructor was abrupt and failed me on the spot, and made me return to the school parking lot. I remember being crushed, and it took me another year to work up the nerve to re-try. So I was 17 when I got my license, where everyone I knew was anxious to get their license at 16 and get out of the house ASAP.
Just know someone else relates, in their way, to what you are saying.
Wow your current family/living situation is sooo similar to what my brother is going through! Sounds extremely stressful and frustrating. I’ve lived alone for over 10 years (I’m almost 38). I generally like my own company, but don’t feel like I have much emotional support from anyone. A while back I was feeling particularly low and reached out to 2 family members and my “best friend” to divulge that I wasn’t in a good mental space and could really use some support/camaraderie. This was the first time I’d done this. One of them didn’t respond at all. Another just brushed it off. The third said something along the lines of “that sucks.” Not one of them texted or called the next day, week, 2 weeks... I can usually be my own cheerleader and get myself out of a rut, but feeling like you have no one in your corner or on your team takes a heavy toll after a while. Definitely feeling exhausted from only being able to rely on myself. Our experiences are different, but I understand why you’re feeling the way you do.
@compassionateSpruce8482
I can relate somehow, I'm 34 and living with my uncle and aunt. My parents divorced when i was 6, my mother died when i was 17 and i don't know where is my father and honestly I don't care because he never contacts me, he doesn't care if I'm alive. I know for a fact that he has a facebook profile and he blocked me there for no reason. I have no friends, no partner and no work. My best friend left me because I was too honest with him. I told him every time when something was bothering me about him or if he does something i don''t like and he said i was nagging and complaining all the time. He forgot every good thing i did for him and he said to everyone some bad things about me. I feel so lonely and like nobody understands me