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compassionateSpruce8482
776 M Little Steps
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2021 Member sinceApril 20, 2020
Recent forum posts
Struggling with loneliness and depression
35 & Over Community / by compassionateSpruce8482
Last post
 April 9th, 2021
...See more I'm going to post here as the other threads I've posted in other forums that I think my post should go but teens reply giving me advice and I feel uncomfortable talking with minors. And no offense but they haven't gone through what I've gone through so while I don't mean to be rude I get tired of them saying they know how I feel. I've been struggling with extreme loneliness lately. I've been living with my dad and his wife since last year, something happened to me that I won't metion here in case it's triggering to others and I'm still awating the outcome so to say. This July my dad found out he has stage 4 cancer. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, I hadn't seen my dad in years and hadn't planned on living with him, until my incident happened last February. It's hard because I'm struggling with how I feel about him and this and a bunch of things he did to me as a child and my current mental health issues. Last year he got me a job that I absoutely hate. I've told him how much I want to quit and he won't let me. I've had panic attacks and breakdowns at work. The enviroment is incredibly toxic. Since the last week of October I've been working from home as there have been mutiple cases of coronavirus. I prefer working from home but I don't know if I'll be able to continue. I'm having to retake my driver's ed and I hate to drive because I feel like I'll crash the car on purpose. My anxiety is so bad I have brain fog, my instructor has yelled at me for forgetting what I was supposed to do and has made me feel like an idiot and failure. My dad and his wife won't let it go that I don't want to drive and I strongly feel I'm going to fail my test. I'm embarassed as I'm 35, living with my dad and I don't like or want to drive. I've been struggling so bad with my extreme loneliness that I sent two advice columinst advice on how to learn to be happy being alone, by that I mean no family, friends or partner. They haven't replied back yet. My family is a very complicated situation. Everytime I try to make friends they find out what happened last year and they leave me. People can't handle what happened and have no interest in being my friend. I want to be honest with people but I also don't want to lie to them. I want to move but I feel like my family and my father's coworkers (who know almost everything about my life because my dad tells them everything about me without my permission) will be angry with me if I leave. They will think or tell me to my face I'm a whiny baby whose father did so much for me and this is how I repay him. I can't live where I'm living anymore and I feel if things don't get better I'll never be able to move away. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so miserable.
Struggling With Extreme Loneliness
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by compassionateSpruce8482
Last post
 March 29th, 2021
...See more So I've been feeling extremely lonely lately. I'm starting to believe that I'm going to have to learn to be alone for the rest of my life. I am 35 and I truly believe because of everything that has happened in the past two years are because of this. I'm not going into detail here since my story has been shared in other communities and it can be intense and a trigger warning to others but I will say is once people find the truth about me they leave me. I have nobody except homophobic family members whom I'm not even out to or feel like I can ever come out to. I feel abandoned by the lgbtq+ community. Yesterday I had to text a crisis hotline twice and I even sent to two different advice columinists how to learn to be alone (without family, community and a partner) and be okay with that. They haven't replied back. I unfollowed lesbian instagram couples as seeing people being happy just depresses me. I wish I didn't feel this way. People on those hotlines keep telling me to not give up or it will get better. I hate hearing those phrases, I'm 35 not a a 15 year old where their future will be better than mine.
New Here
Trauma Support / by compassionateSpruce8482
Last post
 May 16th, 2020
...See more I'm new here and I shared this on the grief forum and I realize I probably should've shared it here. Last year my grandma died, she was murdered by my mom. My mom abused her for a long time and she suffered a stroke and died. I was living with my mom and grandma, we had been caregivers for her as she had been diganosed with Alzheimer's many months earlier. After this happened my mother and I were both arrested and taken to a detention center. My dad bailed me out and I'm currently living with him and his wife. My mom stayed at the detention center for months before going to jail, she's there for life. I haven't seen her since last year when we were both at the detention center. I don't know if I ever can. I don't hate her but I don't understand why she did this. I've been awaiting a court hearing since last year and it keeps being moved to another date. I understand but it's frustrating and I feel stuck. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Through my work there's a therapist (that accepts my insurance) but I'm on the waiting list. I recently told someone who I trusted about what had happened and she stopped being my friend. I've always had a hard time making friends (and I don't have any) but I know this situation will make it even harder. I recently asked this online support site about this, I was told not everyone will accept that and yes they will judge me but there the ones that matter won't.
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