Scared of therapy
I have been depressed most of my life. I am now 48 years old and have been on medication and in and out of therapy since i was 21. I thought i was doing ok, until covid started , they sent us home to work and i have just recently moved in with my boyfriend and his 2 kids. So work sent us home to work only one day a week in the office 4 at home. I started having uncontrollable anxiety attacks ( which i did get meds for). But it has been hard to adapt any kind of schedule to remember to take my meds, so i am lucky if i remember my antidepressants 3 days a week. Since i am working from home i feel i need to be working 24/7 with no personal life. Like i feel if i take any time for me i will somehow be punhished at work. The way i have felt throughout all of this covid panic has made me wanna to xxxxxxxx and this is only getting worse. Not better. I keep telling myself if i can make it another month ill be ok, but i just keep feeling worse and i dont see anything going back to the way it was. Im scared to tell a therapist this becauae i kbow they will want to hospitalize me and i dont see that as a solution. I feel like im at a point that maybe it would be better if i just didnt exist. I know my boyfriend loves me but i cant seem to see where his life is better with me. I dont know what to do anymore. I see myself getting deeper into depression and cant seem to see a way out of it.
@AlwaysStruggling
I'm sorry you feel this way and that working from home has become a burden. If you could change just one thing right now what would that be and why?
I would want go back to work every day to get my rotiune back. So thatmaybe i could take my meds on a more regular basis. But our mamagment is fighting for us to stay home and work and not go back to the office. Which is only feeding my insecurities and keeping me from having a real schedule. I am not doing well on.many.levels by staying home and working. And this decision seemz to be out of my control
@AlwaysStruggling
I am glad you are reaching out here, that's an important step. Talking to people and telling them your concerns is most important.
I know many people who feel that "working at home" changed into "living at work", and that was pretty terrible. I understand your feelings. Maybe with the virus wane and some regression to the way it was, maybe it brings better for you. I know it's hard to feel safe, but I do believe the vaccines are doing good. If you haven't yet, I know they are available.
You don't need to talk to a therapist, especially if you're scared, but, please, try to keep talking to people who care about you. Talk here, talk in your life. Please, keep talking.
I am glad you are here. You are not alone.
Thank you . I think the most frustrating part is i have never been scared of the virus, i have not been scared to be around others or go to work like alot of people. But now i feel like i camt go anywhete without having my laptop to be able to work. I couldnt sleep last night so i was checkimg my email like every hour. I feel crazy for doing that but i cant not fo that anymore.