My Life has been a series of failures for decades. I am tired, jaded and lost fool
My Life has been a series of failures for decades. I am tired, jaded and lost fool. I am 40 this year and completely ashamed of myself.
I've failed to:
~ Achieve my life dreams in time (when all my peers are thriving well settled with career & family)
~ Thrive in my Self Employment: Business in fields of my passions. When i started I had my mojo and things were growing reasonably for a while. then lost my mojo and struggling to build it back up
My Life Dream during my personal best times (3 years) ... were these:
1] Get a Scholarship: was a 90% student, athlete, deep intellectual research. singing, engineering passion etc
2] Begin my Business: Pooling all my talents and creative energy to empower lives.
3] Settle with my own Family
All within usual age of 20-30s. Anything wrong with that?? esp when most peers do that?
~ On the day week of the major examinations ... I got nervous breakdown (despite being positive and excited) forgot all my points, understood nothing, forgot my English grammar
~ Instead of 90+% I ended up barely passing the examination with life-long record of it to boot.
~ Life after that was a downward spiral the more i tried to rise up till today.
~ While i hate working under others instructions, I did for 3-4 years apply for every job in all valid sectors upon my graduation from 26-30. few 1000s job - to start me off I got NONE of them. I did some part time gigs ..worked hard ... but got let go for not being a fit. While i worked hard ... I hated every moment of being employee.
~ My family (folks extended fam): Narc Toxic (folks) and family of enablers (since they are doing well). Massive family showdown happens at 30 ... because tired of getting nothing, i decided to start freelance towards my dreams. I became the useless black sheep and scapegoat. to this Day.
~ My freelance work began being a tutor, then added FX trading (which for a few years i was nailing 3-5% daily, but with limited capital from excess of other income.). in 2020 I tried to add building an E-business.
~ I lead a simple personal life on a budget < $500. I end up spending my less like $200-300 monthly only ... so its more than enough for other essential expenses. the rest of my income in savings.
~ Tutor income was limited by my being a solo tutor (offline).
~ My Fx capital was limited by profitablity + top ups from being a tutor. I kept both a levels I could afford.
~ except that the savings and everything .... while more than enough to support my survival is not enough to get my own place.
And then in the pandemic period....Lots of things happened ....
1. I lost my FX mojo. most trading decisions are wrong, and does not help that when i progress, now i am allowed 10-20% per trade. So its pointless I top up capital .. unless I trade right!
I hate myself so much because ppl who do this by now are usually multi-millionaires? How am I working?
2. Tutorships dwindled to nothing this year. with everything going online as well. I am tryign to transition into coaching courses ... but marketing has yielded no results.
3. E-Business: over 2 years .... hardly any sales with initial version and had to keep modifying business model and researching to make it work. At my wits end.
My folks have retired but doing part time. Using that to gaslight and blame shift and the whole works. Interrupt my work etc...I work from home yes. They love to praise themselves and compare.
I can only ignore so much. They have their monthly annuity source though. They expect me to sponsor the whole house expenses.
Does not help that my own health is showing its signs from less than in 20s. I know I need to exercise and all. But doing so reminds me of my failures and I instantly lose motivation. Forcing myself ironically tenses me up ... which becomes dangerous to exercise then. Let alone hating myself for not haveing my fire in me
Still getting my own place to live. As in my country ... its mighty expensive and i can only go for private property due to regulations.
I am 40 and have lost my sense of purpose in life. I do not know what I am going forth towards. It feels I am just heading towards senility and grave. I feel I am past all the usual life establishment chekcpoints but am at Zero.
I am afraid anyone reading this ... may conclude I am just giving excuses. I know I am not.
I am fighting and fighting for decades to have my personal life, space and way - away from toxicity. Just keep face planting.
Seeing others thriving simply adds on to my sense of failure. I am Lost, Jaded, Sad
What should my next step be?
You’re not a failure at all!!! You budget your money well and can afford to put money into savings. You pay bills for your parents. You’re self-employed.
You’re an educator (tutor) so if your student were to tell you that they feel like a failure, what would you tell her?
See!
Can you have the same compassion for yourself?
And one of the most difficult lessons I’ve ever learned was to not put people on a pedestal and also don’t look down on people.
My brother, only one year younger, is a successful architect and lives in a mansion. I “failed” at being an office admin because I take medication for bipolar. I got the honor to say I overcame severe bipolar and I’m very healthy now. I’m living on disability and volunteer as a crisis counselor. Life took a meaningful turn for me!
My motto is to not view “richer” people as better. They are not!!!
You can afford to save. Some “wealthy” people I know who are lawyers are drowning in massive debt.
People are worthy just because. Because God created them. Because they exist.
You are highly worthy because you are kind to others, respect others and learn humbly from your mistakes.
Pick yourself back up! Keep going! Make us proud!
@babybluerose
Actually I don't actually pay the bills, even if I have funds for it. Here is why. My folks from the start control the letter box keys and hence the bills. when it comes they discuss and settle it and THEN let me know how much they spent as a whole. I realise it's usually inflated as they add allowances and misc to the value.
Did I try finding out how much? Yes. Like a thief have to snoop when they are not home. What about when they are discussing or calculating?
Dad literally grips the bill so tight and away and shouts: "Why do you need to know? are you the one paying? we have been paying all this while you useless! don't come try to know now! No need your bloody help. No damn support from you and you want to know how much! Can't you we are suffering becoz of you! heartless. Don't interfere when we dealing with the bills. Not a cent you give your mom! Who do You think You are. You can stay in your room for whole day like you always do!
So even if I try to pay as they demand, it's a huge fight. The above being an introduction.
I used to do this thing when I started freelancing. Since all naysayers insisted I will not survive.
I did not bank my last 3 months income + withdrew my bank balance below the atm withdraw-able limit (unable to cash out)
With only my a single tuition class income of $120... I decided find out if I could indeed survive in the holiday month of December / Xmas with only this much while outside. Tried to follow a semblance of street destitute lifestyle. it's not the same but still.
Did:
- minimalist eating of simplest meals 2x a day often having small bite of for lunch since breakfast and dinner were unfortunately mostly at home. But I tried to have it light and healthy outside too, at times just water or fasting. giving some excuses to go out reflect or "meeting some friend".
- for transport: public transport to essential. or electing to walk unless not practical. So ofc advanced planning needed.
- for this reason I had to do exercise to improve or endure a bit longer. So 5 min calisthenics to rescue. I would do some at any shelter along with water which I could fill up at any community club or food court or washroom tap.
- Lots of reflection during this time. Forced myself to see luxury, Xmas decorations and within town find low cost menus to keep within budget.
- Thought that if I was truly hungry: I could well find trees to pluck fruits off (illegal here but well desperate times desperate measures), keep just enough for me, turn the rest into juice and sell it on the under passes like those guys. I mean how much does the washroom pass guy @ 20 cents / entry make per day/week/month? so perhaps that money I could grow in trading? that's survival?
On December 31st: I had balance of $5. I felt that if I could survive Xmas month using $115 or perhaps less. I could survive any other 11 months of the year yo?
I banked the rest of my money in Jan. But realised I had no insurance. folks don't believe in it. But had one where: if something happens to me they get a payout. that too in dad's name. and you know how tight he is. So imagine the 3 year hassle trying to get my policies reviewed.
So ~ 3 years of research and finally put together an insurance assortment for Myself to safeguard me. So that too is something I did at age 33-37.
It's hard to think how it's all so late in Life. sometimes a "what's the point now?" dread comes in. still don't know how to solve that issue. despite lots of well meaning advice here I try to use.
I am doing something I hope works. It takes time off work so there's guilt but I am trying to do this amongst all. To find out my lost fire.
Deep Reflection and Meditation back thru my life walking thru when I was happy and my motivations then. then consolidating them all to figure out what drives me today. because I think the reasons have changed and I am unaware of it.
I hope I can find my mojo.
(then maybe make a Hollywood blockbuster on it: The Source. 🤣🤣😛)
@Applehorse I wish you all the best in finding your mojo and navigating this difficult time. I think it's great that you are making positive life choices and reflecting through meditation. That is definitely one of your strengths that you can hone.
