I’m super depressed that is ruining my whole life :(
Hello everyone,
I’m recently new to this website trying to figure out how it works, since I got here I haven’t had any luck on finding a good listener that is actually there to listen to me. I have tried to go inside the groups and I’m having a hard time saying anything in there because I just feel that everyone who is in there is already a friend of one another and I just leave. I’m 40 yrs old a mother of 4 I have 2 boys and 2 girls all of them are teenagers already. So they are hardly there for me, I kind of figure that they only want mom when they need something for them, but not there for her emotionally like I want. People close to me say why do you feel lonely if you have family that care for you and your kids, but is family really there for you when you need emotional support? I don’t think so. I’m also with my partner, and we been together for 14 years never married. But my life at this point is terrible I feel so lonely I suffer from major depression, anxiety, diabetes and other medical conditions that are affecting me tremendously. It’s really hard for me to even get out of bed everyday to do something during the day.
I kind of feel like I’m tired all the time I always have a hard time going to sleep at night because I suffer from insomnia and it’s driving me crazy. I do happen to have medication that my psychiatrist prescribe to me to help me sleep, but I feel like something else is going on with me. I do take all my medications that my regular doctor gives me as well as my counselors I’m talking to but I still feel so horrible not sure why. At night time when I want to go to sleep my right arm always hurts and when I finally want to go to sleep i wake up like I can’t breath at all. I don’t know if anyone else in here is experiencing this if you are I will appreciate if you can give me some advice in what to do in this situation it’s really annoying. Plus having major depression is even more complicated I have days where i don’t even want to be here, and say what is the point of being here if you feel worst than ever. Sure you have kids and family but everyone is doing their things. I don’t even have any friends that could be there for me in case I need advice or just for them to hear me out. I had a best friend but she passed away last year on may 31 do to an overdose that has me so down because I really miss her and I don’t know what to do :(
Also my partner that I live with hardly pays attention to me all he does is drink daily and seeing him this way is making my depression even worse. Many of you might say well why are you putting up with him why don’t you leave him? Trust me it’s hard just leaving a relationship you had for 14 years. But then again him drinking is ruining my whole life, he never does anything with me I’m still young and I want to go out have some fun go dancing etc. but I feel because of he’s drinking our whole family is going down, i have tried to help him many times and he just doesn’t listen. I’m really to the point that I think I’m just going crazy already :( I feel like I have lost myself and lost my desire in life, my desire to do things that i just to enjoy before. I also worry to much day and night I can’t control it if it’s not one thing is another. I have nightmares at night time and sometimes have dreams where I’m completely alone and like nobody wants to be with me.
This is the reason i found this site and I’m doing my best to see if i can find a listener that could be available I know that a lot of us have busy schedules but we can always make a little time to listen to others that is a choice I cannot force anyone either. I Been getting many listeners sure lots of them all of them are males which I don’t have a problem with but as a preference will want a women listener but haven’t had any luck yet. When I do get a listener either i just talk to them for a minute and after a while I never hear from them again. Or if I do they just want something else more than a friendship which I think is not right I don’t know if we have administrators for this page and let them know what us women are going through which is scary because we come here for support and for some listeners to be doing this is totally unacceptable. I’m sorry this post is so long but I just have the need to vent since nobody is hearing me out. Can someone please give me some advice if you have any I feel like I’m about to crack this is just to much for me and everyday is more intense for me.
@Lasweetbaby34 I have a lot of similar feelings happening, and I can relate to a lot of your post. My husband is also very distant and does not know the difference between sex and intimacy. I have had loss in the past two years and I feel like I am continually "pulling myself up by the boot straps" only to end up feeling a lack of hope or a lack of light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't seem to help to know that this is not true and that I probably have a lot to hope for; the heavy feeling remains.
I am 38 and I am not sure what I'm doing with my life. I thought I had it all figured out, but now I am reevaluating everything, including who I am. Maybe this is part of an age-related phase of growth and we will come out on the other side of it.
I'm sorry you've had horrible listener experiences. Someone should be monitoring those conversations-- your experiences sound disturbing.
@rainbowboots,
Hi thank you so much for your reply on my posting. Honestly I don’t know what is up with these guys why are they so distant from their significant other. If they are not happy with us then they should just leave. I mean I don’t know why they become so distant have you tried to talked to yours and see what the problem is? I don’t know if it’s age because I think I’m 2 years older than you and I feel like a complete loser. I don’t know what to do either I think I want to stay by myself because I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship just yet not sure about you. I feel so depress all the time and their is times i want to talk to my partner but I feel like he just pulls away more, could it be that this is a normal behavior for men to act this way and make their wife feel sad all the time.?
@Lasweetbaby34
Hi there mrs,
I suppose I am not that qualified to give you any advice since I am not a mother and I am still 36 years old single but I after I read your story...I really feel for you, deep sadness, hurts, resentments since I have been experiencing the same thing of what you mentioned (now I just feel too tired to do anything, low energy even if I drink vits, drink plenty of water, etc etc)..but for myself the meds is not working for me...it actually worsen my feeling of depression, this is vary for people I heard. My mother is also a mother of 4 and she said the same thing before to me about her kids not giving her attention. But really, I did give her attention and I try my best to make her happier but at the end I, myself gets more depressed...She is also depressed since this covid happens but she pulled herself out from depression because of her faith. She prays, read bible and keep herself busy with housework. I am just sharing what she did. Btw, my mother have been alone since we were teens, we were all sent overseas to study since we are young...and I am back with her now since I got depression and lost almost everything...job, friends, house...but since after i heard my mom's background, she is really introvert and hard for her to express her thoughts in words...i could understand her a little. It's nice if we can be honest to each other even though it's really difficult since we have feeling of shame, guilt, etc2..To start talking honestly to each other is the hardest in my family...maybe it's because we tried to protect our own images...I'm not going to sugar coated my words though it's kind of a lifetime progress to understand each other...my mom also keep in contact with her siblings, it kind of helping her to ease her stress and depression.
But really, I hope you could find something with meaning to do. I read in a book (dr. henry cloud), changes to heal...why we lost motivation to do the things we do is because it is lack of meaning behind doing it. I am also still working on it. While finding new friends, communities I can join, selling things online to cover expenses of counselling and learning bible. Mrs. you are not alone. If you want I can still reply you in here. But sorry if I can't always reply it directly...every week I am also having a mental breakdown..
Please don't give up mrs
You know, one thing i see from both of my sisters as a mother is..mother's job is the toughest...and you do your best though to raise your children, to care and to love them...so well done for that mrs.