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selfdisciplinedPal2380
2,908 M Hopeful Heart 7
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts106 Forum posts22 Forum upvotes21 Current upvotes21 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 13, 2021
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Today I feel a little bit better
35 & Over Community / by selfdisciplinedPal2380
Last post
 November 5th, 2021
...See more Today, I feel a little bit better than 3 days ago where I got a mental breakdown and a major emotional breakdown. It's like a surge of hatred just spew out of me and I could not stop crying. It made my father cried and I don't feel anything seeing him like that. It was horrible. Awful. It start on Sunday when I could not sleep a wink from Saturday and we were suppose to go to church physically for the first time. I was excited though but accidentally, I saw my family's group chat. I was jealous because they chat happily without me. I quit that chat group but it is because I got ignored a lot. My big sister who talk like a stranger to me, my younger sister who can't listen to me at all, my youngest brother whom always avoid talking about my problem. Only, my father cares deeply about me but because a lot of things happened in pandemic and before that, I felt that he had betrayed my trust...hence it's hard for me to trust him and always feel like I am alone in this family. My mom blatantly reject me. I know though in my brain that I need to accept who they are as they are and let my expectations on them go but my heart refuses to let go and it really hurts and stings to the point I am drain off, mentally and physically. We are christian family but I feel like I am falling apart and don't even know if I could go back to the right path..
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I am real tired
Journals & Diaries / by selfdisciplinedPal2380
Last post
 October 4th, 2021
...See more I am really tired...Physically and mentally, even if I don't have much job to do. I have back pain, and my heart hurts. I can't stop crying right now... My mind is a mess...
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I have nightmares again
Family & Caregivers / by selfdisciplinedPal2380
Last post
 October 19th, 2021
...See more At the end of 2020 and beginning of 2021, I had trouble sleeping and plaque by nightmares. I did not really understand why I had to had nightmares almost everyday. I would dream mostly about getting left behind by family members...and today and yesterday I had nightmares again and ended up crying. I dreamt about going to a school event with some of my family members, my big sister, my younger sister, my close friend and one of my aunt. I kind of vaguely remembered the dreams but bits and pieces of the dreams. In the dream, my big sister looked at me with contempt and hatred, and somehow that made me broken hearted and real sad. I ended up kneeling in front of her and I think my aunt tried to intervene, and she hold my big sister...but the dream stop there and I woke up crying. I realised growing up, I am not close to her. She has this built up wall and she always seemed to hate me for reasons I don't know (from childhood through teens). I knew one of the reason just recently...which is jealousy towards me (because I am close with our father), because she told me herself. I always wanted to be close to her but she only told me that I am grown up and need not attention anymore. Why deep talks or being close to each other between grown ups considered wanting attention? I had this deep resentment of getting rejected by her as her younger sister. I pray God restored my relationship with her.
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Uncontrolled thoughts and emotions
Journals & Diaries / by selfdisciplinedPal2380
Last post
 October 24th, 2021
...See more It is not easy for me to accept the bad in me. It is difficult to be not emotional and sensitive about small things these days. To accept the bad and good in me as a part of being human that has fallen. It is difficult to express thoughts in words. I want people to see me as good but then it is to deny the bad inside me as well. When others told me to take it easy not to think it so hard and so complicated, but my heart say no to it...When others say I should open my heart...I don't understand how could I do it? What is specifically opening my heart means...how should I do it? Why I should I pick up every little things and make it big? I feel helpless at times and hopeless most of the times, especially when I fail with this uncontrolled emotions and explosions of anger.... But then..I remembered God is still working in us...then this help me to calm down...
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