I cheated
I figured out how much I appreciate my boyfriend and how much I want him to be the father of my kids after I cheated on him. It's been half a year since I did this horrible mistake. Since then I've been going to bed feeling guilty and crying tears of regret.
The guy I slept with is by far gone, blocked and erased. I tried ending whatever I we had in good terms so I wouldn't have to worry so much about him doing anything stupid. However he used to follow me on intagram and has seen my boyfriends profile for sure.
My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship because I'm studying dentistry in an other country for the time being. He has no clue of what I've done.
I know a lot of you would advise me to tell him the truth, but that cant be an option for me. I much rather break up with him telling him a much less painful excuse. The truth is selfish and painful, also I'm certain he wouldn't forgive me, so it wouldn't do any good.
I'm just not sure if I should consider not saying anything and going on with life and take the next steps it this relationship, or end it.
Please dont ask me why I did it because I really dont think theres a reason. I love my boyfriend now more than ever and this situation is hurting me so bad.
@lylyri
Most people will say confess ...but i am a strong believer that is NOT the answer for every situation.
your guilt will most likely push you to speak up ... so if you are going that route sooner might be better then later.....
YOU say you are not sure why.... maybe you should examine that .... if someone was going to cheat... a few could name possible reasons .....
not treated well by spouse ... feeling ignored and lonely ... and unappreciated... no sex in relationship ( spouse issue) but deep down when examined ........... other issues may surface........
get in touch with things yourself you will need to put guilt aside and look clearly.
I really appreciate your answer. I may have to work on my guilt issue. I haven't really focused on it before, and I feel like I'm losing it sometimes.
I know he deserves better than someone that cheats on him. But I could never repeat this mistake again. And no matter who I end up with I'm going to do things right, so it might as well just be him. I can be the best for him. And that way make up for what I did.
@lylyri
many couples get past this ..... many more then you might think.......
but it sounds so strong.when those who are on sidelines ....... (myths) that "it ends everything" and/ or "once a cheat always a cheat" ....life is messy ...... lots of helpful articles on subject
until someone has walked in your shoes ....... they do not know what they would do.....
I forgave someone and it was once never happened again .........but i try not to think about it as there still is a twinge of pain or what if's
That is so true. Before this happened I was so certain that I could never forgive a cheater. I even talked about this with my boyfriend, and he agreed. We would even judge other people for their *** up relationships.
But now at this point, after what I've experienced and all the reflection I've made, I think I would be able to forgive a cheater once IF! that person was madly in love and would do anything to make up for it, and regain my trust.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. But pretty sure that if it hasn't happened again, and you feel truely loved by that person today, forgiving was a good decision.
How did you overcome the guilt? If you don't mind me asking. Does it get better? Lots of love for you.
my fiance, now husband cheated on me. Its ruined my life. I suffer from betrayal trauma and now have to do psychotherapy because the pain of the betrayal had a serious and dangerous impact on my mental health. We have done couples therapy and continue to do so.
He cheated on me for 2 months. It ended 7 months before we married and he was not going to tell me. I found out from someone else and when I confronted him he confessed.
I found out about what he did two months before our wedding and 2 days before we finalized our new house purchase.
I was in shock and in too much pain and I hate that I didnt have enough time to think things through and call everytbing off. The house was a done deal and I struggled with suicidal thoughts all the way up to the wedding. I barely remember my wedding. I can't even look at pictures.
I struggle...every...day.
Do not do that to him. He has a right to make informed decisions regarding his life.
Hey I'm really sorry and I understand how painful it must be to have the person you thought loved you the most betray you.
My point is, yeah if there was chance somebody will tell you that your bf cheated on you, I understand the best would be to tell the truth. But if the case was that only the person he cheated with knows, this person lives in an other country, they dont have contact whatsoever, ended things in good terms; he can avoid making you go through all this trouble and making up for what he knows he did in his heart the rest of he's life.
I would end things up with him and not hurt him in that way. But there is so much love. I which I could have the strength to walk away and never look back.
It's deceptive.
I would hate to be forced to live a lie, which is what he'd be doing with you.
There's no making up for that kind of betrayal, and to continue to allow him to live a lie with you, blind of your actions just deepens the betrayal.
I hate my husband for allowing me to make life decisions which he KNEW I wouldn't have done if I knew the truth. No matter how much change he goes through and gives his undying loyalty to me, he will never make up for the damage he did.
Trust is GONE forever. I didn't leave, but I'm glad I know the real him.
Your boyfriend has a right to choose if he still wants to try with you after what you did.
This isn't about what's hard for you, what's painful or never having his forgiveness. This is about doing right by him. No one can force you to do the right thing, but cheating, hiding it and letting him make permanent decisions with his life regarding you makes me really sad for him. No one deserves their choices taken from them. If he ever proposes to you, ask yourself if he would have done it if he knew about the cheating?
Look deep in your heart and ask yourself if the love he feels for you is totally contigent on who he thinks you are and the kind of relationship he thinks you both have. Because the truth is, fidelity in the relationship is forever lost. That's something you can never fix. No matter how faithful you remain in the relationship, that sacred trust is shattered forever.
My heart goes out to him, I hope he is able to find truth and to live a life he deserves.
Hey. Thanks for engaging in the discussion. I like seeing things from all the perspectives before making a decision.
My heart goes to him as well always, and I'm truly trying to figure out what the best for him is.
I know at this point the best for him definitely is to break up with a reason other than the cheating (not a lie, but maybe something that with intensified importance he would understand).
I usually try putting myself in his shoes and remember how I used to think before the cheating episode. I thought if he ever cheated on me the relationship would be immediately over period. But I also used to think that as long as I dont get to know about any cheating, or have concerns/ suspicions about something going on, and I get all the attention and love I need from him, theres no reason to care if he cheated or not because one can never know EVERYTHING that's going on other ppls lives nor have control over it. That's why I dont seem to understand the term of "living in a lie", when u have no idea about the lie. This is not an excuse for cheating, neither am I saying that is right. But is literally what I truely think regarding to the part of morality where you "do to others what you would want they do to you" I wouldn't want my heart to be broken ever.
I'm not arguing. I understand your compassionate words, your morality and where you come from, but I still think that we have reasoned differently due to the situation each of us is in. Maybe I'm really wrong and just unconsciously trying to convince myself this way because I want to keep him for a lifetime.
If you have no idea about the lie, it doesnt mean the lie doesn't exist. Deception sucks. Living under deception, even if you don't know you're being decieved is a continuous conscious betrayal. People deserve so much better than that. People deserve a choice.
Yeah I'm going have to agree with you; as a person who's been deceived in a similar manner all I see is someone unconsciously trying to convince themselves to of this path for their own gain.
Ok you cheated on him physically.
Maybe you needed to find out? Find out that you want to be with your boyfriend and can commit to him fully?
It's okay to have secrets. You did what you did and maybe you feel ashamed or guikty now but they are human emotions, they don't need to cause actions..
What I am saying is, don't jusge yourself too harshly. The world is not always easy and we all have done things we regret or don't understand. It's okay. Don't throw away your future over guilt
If you think you can tell him and both move on from it and have the relationship you desire then that is your judgement call but don't tell him out of some need to believe that you are "doing the right thing". Life isn't as simple as that
I don't judge you for it. Some will. Whether you judge yourself is up to you but still do what is best for you. If that means keeping what happened a secret forever then so be it.
@lylyri Of course, like any human being you'll feel that hiding the truth will do more good, but that doesn't make it okay. Of course you love him, but the truth that keeps you apart is far better than the lie that keeps you together. Think if he did the same to you, would you be okay with him hiding it from you?
Just talk to him and ask for forgiveness, and know that denial is a consequence. a major one. When you ask for forgiveness, you ask for it, you don't demand it, therefore... you can be denied. Just own up to your mistakes. That's the least you can do. Even if you know that he'll leave you, will you be able to look into his eyes and forget about what you're hiding from him?
It's better that you tell him the truth, he'll be more hurt if he finds out in some other way.
Hey @hannahbaker
Thanks for your comments.
I agree. He finding out some other way would be the disaster scenario, not only would I have hurted him, but I would hurt him in the worst possible way. And it's my biggest fear, even bigger than he leaving me actually.
However this I have thought a lot about because it seems like the only way he can find out is if the guy I slept with tells him somehow. And the chances of it happening in a lifetime are pretty minimal. The guy seem like someone that would do that. We ended things in good terms and he understood my situation. We have one known person in common and this person doesnt even know my boyfriend. We all live in 3 different countries. Conversations and everything from the phone are deleted. He is blocked. So I seriously dont see it ever happening.
That's why I even consider keeping the secret. Even though I hate the fact I'd have to live with the regret.
Wow, looks like you're going to get advice from people who cheat, people have been cheated, people who have been cheated on, and people who never experienced either end of it.
It is NOT okay to cheat and hide it and that's "judgement" so be it.
Life is messy and complicated, but there is such a thing as right and wrong.
Everyone has a right to their opinion and that is mine. And yes I am biased because of the pain I live in everyday from being cheated on. I'm seeing things from your boyfriend's point of view because I'm in his shoes.
@zeetee17 You are a beautiful, amazing, valuable, worthy, and strong person. It is so unfortunate that some people don't see the beauty in front of them. I'm so sorry you feel the betrayal and pain of being cheated on. My hope for you is that you are able to find healing. ♡
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Today was a real low for me. This thread brought back everything I felt when I realized my whole world was a lie. I'm really trying to hold on and survive it, but there are days I wish I just didnt wake up and today is one of those days.
@lylyri Infidelity has no place in relationships and no matter how one tries to "justify" it, it is never ok. You said so yourself that it was selfish of you and I applaud you for recognizing that what you did was wrong. Your cheating is over and done with and while you may feel guilty about it and regret your actions, it is time that you be kind to yourself. Please forgive yourself so this cloud will not always hang over your head. Everyone makes mistakes but it's how we learn from it. You deserve to forgive yourself and your partner deserves to know the truth. Every relationship is different and people cheat for many reasons... but no matter the reason, it's still selfish. Ask yourself, if the person you loved stepped out on the relationship and cheated on you, betrayed your trust, and kept it from you for x amount of time, how would that make you feel? Would that be something you are ok with? Be honest with yourself. When we love someone, we learn to forgive. Cheating does not mean the relationship is doomed. And just because someone was weak once and made a mistake does not make them a bad person. But lying purposely because of something in your mind that you take to be true is a whole different thing. How can you be for certain he will not forgive you? The choice to be open about it and ask for his forgiveness is ultimately up to you, but relationships cannot survive if things are buried under the rug or if people are withholding the truth. It seems you have made your mind up and would rather leave the relationship with him all together than come clean. Why is that? Lylyri, the same way you think he deserves is the best is what I belive is true for you. You deserve to be truly happy. You deserve to be able to love wholeheartedly and have someone love you back. You deserve to be able to forgive your wrong doing and you deserve someone to love you enough to accept you and forgive you. No one is perfect. No one person is better than another. I wish the best for your relationship and I hope you learn to be kind to yourself. You are so special. Please always know this and please know that this mistake you made does not and will not define you for the rest of your life. Take care. ♡
If you have gotten past the cheating phase and plan to spend your life with your boyfriend. Then there is no reason to make him go through all the pain you already suffered. Keep it to yourself don't tell anyone. It might get back to him be it tomorrow or 10 years down the road.
Just stay true and you both should have a good life together.
@lylyri I dont think you should be feeling like this since its a long distance relationship even tho its not an excuse but you most likely was missing that fisical connection with someone in this your bf wasnt there . I complety understand .
You said he wouldn’t forgive you. I applaud you for having had some honest conversations on what each of you would tolerate and wouldn’t tolerate … what’s important to you in a relationship. As you now know, that’s subject to change as you now feel you would forgive a cheater. Perhaps he might as well. But, what you do know is HOW he FEELS about infidelity. You know he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship built around infidelity. So, you owe him the truth. You’re not giving him the opportunity to choose the relationship based on all the data he needs. Unfair.
🙏🤜🤛😀