Hi @wishonastar84
I empathize with what you're going through and some parts of it is what I've experienced growing up, especially this part
'my mom battled and made it clear regularly, right down to saying if I wasnt there, she could live in a one bed Batchelor flat and I cost her x every month.'
It's as if what my future self would ask how to feel valued and cared for.
I guess for people like us we seek extreme validation to fill in the hole of the lack we experienced, we cling on to the memories, the fluttery moments hoping to prolong it, because we believe nobody could make us feel that way other than them.
That ...I have to break it to you is very wrong. Your partner is not responsible for your happiness, you are. Because everyone is seeking the same direction with different needs, everyone wants to
feel loved, but differently. That is why the only way out of this emptiness is to love yourself, to value your own existence. Then through that communicate / teach your partner how you want to be loved.
A friend of mine cope with the loss of her boyfriend by lifting weights, another guy found out he has green fingers while in a relationship and uses those talents to cultivate new plants.
You have to find it yourself what works for you. There are many things too like baking, cooking, gardening, sports, volunteering, pilates, religion (etc...do sth that empowers you)and perhaps you can find communities with the hobbies you make.
It's not your fault for what has happened to your parents, it's theirs. And it's not your fault that your mum grew resentful of you, it's hers. Never take the blame for it. I find myself attaching meaning to the things that happend to me too, esp as a young child when hurt was prepetrated.
Then someone taught me you are not responsible for what life throws at you, only how you respond to it. More often than not, we hurt ourselves the most.
When you understand where it came from (e.g. your parents), have compassion for then at the moment and move on with life, you gain a perspective that you have control over the situation.
If that resentment hurts you, you know not to bring in that to others, like your future kids (or no kids...idk) cause it's an awareness & a responsibility not to bring in the vicious cycle.
I hope this helps :) whether it is an understanding, a rant on my part or a spark you need. And trust me you are loved, you just don't know it ;)
Oh some of these movies are pretty gud , you can check them out!
- Soul Pixar [It's about finding purpose in life]
- It's okay to not be okay (Korean Drama) [Issues on mental health & conflicts in family]
- Studio Ghibli series, e.g. Sprirted Away [A young girl's journey of finding herself and friends along the way]