Anxiety story

Hi everyone,

My father died when I was a teenager. A few months prior to his passing, my mother informed me that he wasn't my father. I of course wanted to know where to find my biological father... Well I found out he didn't want to have any type of relationship with me. After my father that took care of me passed away I lived with my mother. She and her husband were terrible alcoholics. My step-father was a pervert and my mom would take his side over mine. She tried sending me away for her husband. For my birthday, my mother would provide me with alcohol, cigarettes, and cocaine or whatever she had. There were always strangers around, people partying and me having to clean up after, or help her walk to bed. She eventually had me stay with a friend of hers, and I suffered much abuse within the home. I was raped, beaten etc. I saw others being beat and three of the younger children in the home being abused. I tried telling my mother. I had large purple bruises all over my body. She did nothing. I eventually ran away and learned to SURVIVE. I did whatever I could, slept couch to couch, stole whatever I didn't know how to provide myself with, etc. It was a hellish lifestyle. age 12-17ish

Fast forward... I was riding in the car one day with a friend...all of a sudden I felt like I was going to faint, my heart was racing, I couldn't think straight. I knew for sure that I was dying. I had my friend race me to the hospital. The dr came into my room, he asked me a few questions, left the room and came back in with the pill that almost took the rest of my life away. Zanax. I swallowed the pill...within 10 minutes or less, I felt like life was brand new. I thanked him repeatedly. I thought it was quite hilarious that I thought I was dying and this little pill changed it all around. (age 16-17)

Fast Forward...over 10 years I met someone that abused me. I married him. I had kids with him. I wanted love so bad and yet I was unaware of what love was. I was on or tried just about every anti-depressant, benzo, anti-psychotic out there. I remember the duty of my day was counting out the 12+pills I had to take and trying not to confuse the hours in which they were to be taken. I was diagnosed with all kinds of issues. Sent to the mental hospital etc. One day I lost what little I was hanging on by. I had a friend pick me up, I asked them to drop me off at their house while they ran some errands. He was hesitant but obliged. I slammed a bottle of crown royal, took the benzos. I vaguely remember him coming back. I tried fighting a female at the house. I lastly remember losing all control and falling over backwards. I woke to blood coming out of the back of my head. Lost consciousness over and over and woke up in the hospital. A doctor was stapling my head. My clothes were torn, I didn't have my shoes, I was covered in dried blood. I was a serious mess. I was told to go to the mental hospital again.

I suffered with anxiety and severe panic attacks for over 10 years. I stayed in my pajamas for almost a year. I rarely went anywhere because I was afraid to panic. I was scared of dying and yet tried numerous times to end it. I couldn't drive because if I was at a stop light I would have a panic attack at being stuck there. I couldn't go into the grocery store by myself, I couldn't handle abrupt noises or late night phone calls. I had to shut my phone off at night because if someone called me I would have a panic attack from the phone ringing. I managed some good things for myself in between times. I didn't finish college, yet when I attended I had a 4.0.gpa. etc.

Fast forward.. I stopped taking the medications in my 30's. I studied herbs and natural medicine. I learned my anxiety and panic attacks were caused by the death of my father at such an early age and everything that unfortunately happened to me after. I went through the "why me's" the "fuck god's" the pity was of it's own weight. Exhausting!

So..this is what eventually helped me. I had a spiritual type of awakening. It allowed me to see life through different eyes so to speak. We are the products of our experiences. Who we surround ourselves with. etc. I carried the pain, the fear, the everything negative forward with me through the years.....until I was like wtf am I doing to myself?!! I had to distance myself from the toxicity that can come from others. My circle is so small I can count the people that genuinely care about my well-being on one hand. I dropped the hell bags of the past, to the best my ability. I learned whatever happens is going to happen. We are on a journey here. We make mistakes and we learn from them. If we don't learn the first time, life will send another wake up call. (karma) It will push you in the direction you should go. We need to pull ourselves up and not let our past traumas and mistakes be the end all. We are strong. We are all on here for a reason.. we know something doesn't feel right....and here we are fighting for the answers, because we are STRONG. We are stronger than what ails us mentally. So why do we bring that bullshit forward to the new day, everyday? This is my life. I could be gone tomorrow, why would I put any energy in anything negative? We are given a gift everyday we wake up to a new day, it is I that keeps I down.

This is my take on everything anyway from my past experiences. I know there are a multitude of different circumstances out there.

I live now as natural as possible. I don't take things for granted. I don't take any medication. I work with a Shaman on a daily basis. I still have my struggles. I moved back in with my ex during the pandemic. We thought if the shit went down we would have one another to rely on etc. I lost my job and found him to be the same abusive person he has always been. I am now close to having my own place again and I can't tell you how happy I am. I had to overcome all these obstacles by myself, there is something to that. I am stronger. I feel great. He can call me names and threaten me all he wants. I know karma is coming for him. He has taken enough of my precious time away. That's what I try to remind myself of to get by right now. Love is always the answer. Fill yourself with as much love as you can get and give. Don't take without giving. The attitude of gratitude. How can someone, defined by today's standards as a success, be depressed. Achievement vs fulfillment. Here we are racing to get this and that, only to be let down once we achieve it. We aren't happy because our happiness is wrapped up in what we are told. Work/achieve, buy this/buy that, take this pill/take that pill, look like this/look like that... just love one another and be a good person. That's what life is. Isn't that why we are here... Companionship? Comfort? That's why I'm here.

Let's see what the law of attraction brings my way. I am always down to listen to anyone that needs an ear, some support, or just plain bored. I am a non-judgemental individual. Just don't come at me having hurt a child or some type of sexual deviant. I can't help you and I don't want to.

Wim Hof is someone to look into. It helps with anxiety/panic/depression and so much more. I hope it is helpful to someone out there. I missed a lot of information about me in this nutshell, talking to you, talking to me story. I hope that I have not offended anyone. Not my intention. Thanks for reading!

Have a great night! -Much love and good blessings!