Sorry just letting this out... I'm the problem I guess
I know this may be common to some but when in this situation, it really is hard to deal with. Most people who know me see as that strong woman who never cares what other people think or never cares what happens. No one knows what goes in my mind lately. But deep within, I care, I care a lot.
I've been in my marriage for 18 years and I remember us being so in love and just going head-on about anything, so bravely. Now we are at the point of I may need to leave. Maybe life caught up with us, got teenagers and I mostly think about - "when they're done in school, I'm going to leave and be free". No question, I still love him and I feel like leaving is not an option for him. No other parties on both sides, I think we're just drained and tired.
Maybe life challenges got into me, I tried to tell him everything but most of the time ends up him just saying sorry and so little effort to change. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to better myself too and change but I think hearing sorry all the time isn't the thing I need. I even told him he doesn't need to be sorry, just do what he says he will. Some issues are small, some are big, but definitely hurts me every time. It's already hard for me to open up to him because I feel like it's an unending cycle.
Sorry if this is confusing or doesn't make sense. Maybe I just need to vent out a little. I'm moving out in a week but my kids think I'm going job hunting and meetings but truth is I'm preparing for a big life decision. And this part hurts me so much because I think I am going to hurt them. I'm 100% sure I may consider going back just because of them but I need this for my peace. I'm always thinking of being gone - don't worry I'm not doing it if that's what you're thinking - but it would be nice to be away and just be with myself for a long time. If only we can do that or go back to where it all started. I don't even know where and when to go back to even if that miracle happens.
Ha! Taylor's song just came up and is saying "it's me, I'm the problem it's me" - maybe I am...
@GothamRam
I can understand how difficult this is for you. Even though you may feel like you're the problem and that your decision is hurting many, it's important to recognize that prioritizing your own well-being isn't selfish. It's natural to want to keep a relationship and family together, but if you feel you can't continue in this situation, you can't blame yourself.
It's crucial to have open conversations with your partner, even if you can't solve every problem. Closure can provide a sense of understanding, even if the relationship doesn't continue. As for your children, you'll always be their parent, whether you stay together or not. They may not understand immediately, but they will in time.
Remember, prioritizing yourself isn't selfish; it's essential for your mental and physical health. Only when you're okay can you truly support others. I hope you find the best decision for yourself and everyone involved. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk—I'm here to listen and support you.
@GothamRam
There are many in your shoes who find silly reasons to stay... kids.... money... etc....
I do not know when it happens with spouses...
but small and big things that sound semi trivial to outside perspectives ........but it is like death by a million cuts... we get the same "sorry" over and over again... but not a simple change of behavior..... you are ready to leave do it....if you stay ... you will keep rationalizing it... i should have left years ago
I would suggest having a talk with your teens .... tell them how the relationship has reached a point or no return.... i think it is better when family knows that things are done and are not surprised or confused because they thought things were just fine....
There is no perfect or right time there will always be what ifs ....just pull the band aids off and start your life.
I am there with you. 16 years and things have changed. My partner is no longer interested in the mutual interest that supported the development of our relationship. I admire your courage to recognize that it is time for a change, often we can feel these shifts happen and then we find what is best for us with this call to change. For me, we are at the point where we have discussed opening the relationship however it seems counter productive to do so if the relationship is fragile at this time. Couples counselors are hard to find in my area and the last therapist we tried we didn't vibe with, she did most of the talking.
@GothamRam
I empathize with you. I have been married for 24 years. I congratulate you for making the decision to work on healing yourself. But, please talk with your children first before leaving. Are your children suffering from the changes in you and your husband's relationship?
I made the choice to stay because I couldn't afford to take care of my children. My husband is an alcoholic and he just relapsed. On one hand they have a roof over their head, a bed to sleep in, and food. On the other hand, all of us are mentally and emotionally scarred. I tried to love him, but he is not the same person anymore. I can't talk to him about our problems because the alcohol has already irreparably altered his brain. I tried to shield my children as much as possible. The result was consistent damage to my already low self-esteem and an increase in my depression. (Which was a major part of me joining 7 Cups).
There is no quick fix to a love that just isn't anymore. Yes- There will be hurt feelings, feelings of betrayal, feelings of guilt. But, as another person commented, you can't help others unless you help yourself first.
It's difficult to reconcile the fact that we believe that we are the problem. I feel the same way. But a part of me knows that he is a part of the problem also even if he blames me.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And that this is a safe place to talk about what you are holding inside because there is someone out there who shares your feelings and experiences.
@GothamRam
I empathize with you. I have been married for 24 years. I congratulate you for making the decision to work on healing yourself. But, please talk with your children first before leaving. Are your children suffering from the changes in you and your husband's relationship?
I made the choice to stay because I couldn't afford to take care of my children. My husband is an alcoholic and he just relapsed. On one hand they have a roof over their head, a bed to sleep in, and food. On the other hand, all of us are mentally and emotionally scarred. I tried to love him, but he is not the same person anymore. I can't talk to him about our problems because the alcohol has already irreparably altered his brain. I tried to shield my children as much as possible. The result was consistent damage to my already low self-esteem and an increase in my depression. (Which was a major part of me joining 7 Cups).
There is no quick fix to a love that just isn't anymore. Yes- There will be hurt feelings, feelings of betrayal, feelings of guilt. But, as another person commented, you can't help others unless you help yourself first.
It's difficult to reconcile the fact that we believe that we are the problem. I feel the same way. But a part of me knows that he is a part of the problem also even if he blames me.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And that this is a safe place to talk about what you are holding inside because there is someone out there who shares your feelings and experiences.
@GothamRam 