Married life suggestions

@Ronripleyhorror

There are a few exercises in communication .... the i feel statements take away some defensiveness for example.  

Some like you have described do not work on or improve their communication skills unless it is in their best interest.... my spouse also was a poor communicator to encourage him to learn to be better i made it about other things .... for example he would not be clear and wishy washy and i asked him how his JOB and co-workers felt about guessing what he meant in various situations.... i have no idea if that was a problem for him BUT put the idea in his head he worked on clear and concise communication 

Thank you for responding. I definitely agree. I have tried it all ! I have used language my therapist suggests and it doesn't help. I would love for him to seek a therapist himself, but he doesn't think that he does anything wrong.

@Ronripleyhorror

I totally hear you mine is/ was like that when i did i feel not a big improvement.

When i showed him his communication was not very good with friends and family as well he saw it was not a me thing...   

I also began having  long/ big conversations with others and he was left OUT............ he asked and i pointed out choice to improve his style of communication  was all on him .... but like a little kid if everyone else around knows how to do something and he can't he will not be included.... 

I know the competition thing is his motivator.... perhaps yours has a motivation trigger as well...  

I was in your situation....I learned that people don't change unless something big forces them to move. And even then we don't know how they are going to move when their hand is forced

Hi Ronrie,

Firstly I’m sorry that you suffer from anxiety, I don’t experience anxiety myself but I have lived with my partner that does for the last 20 years and I can relate from a partner’s perspective to your daily challenges.

I was in your husbands position a couple of years ago and I may be able to give you some insight. This is my perspective and it does not relate to anyone. I’m generally crude and to the point so if this does not apply please don’t take offence.

Generally speaking men are cavemen when it comes to women’s emotions, most of us don’t know how to listen, how to respond to an emotional conversation nor can we grasp the inherent desire for a woman to dismiss our fantastic solution based answers instead of relating to her emotionally and understanding that she just wants you to feel what she’s saying.

Now take a caveman who has never been taught how to understand a woman’s emotions and put him in a relationship with an anxious woman who tries her best to relay her feelings through conversation as she does with her girlfriends.

You end up with a wife who has no freedom of expression and a husband who doesn’t understand why his cavewoman acts in a way that he cannot relate to.

I could not understand anxiety. I saw it as a word, something my wife mentioned to me occasionally. For me it carried the same weight as a stubbed toe or a headache. I never knew how much of an internal war it actually creates, I never knew how bad it actually was until I was on the doorstep of divorce.

This was when I did the research, put in the hours and days, weeks and months to try so hard to figure her out. Eventually I understood her.. I understood why she couldn’t drive on the hiway, why she always had to leave for her appointment an hour early, why she had to plan everything down to the finest detail and why she unwillingly had outbursts which I thought were focused towards me. It wasn’t her intention, she didn’t want to live like this but her anxiety drove her to do these things that used to frustrate me a lot.

Unfortunately when living with a cavemen like myself you have to school him on the ins and outs of you…. but you also can’t teach him because men like to think they know everything, he has to figure it out himself or be told by someone that is not you. This is where relationship coaches and therapists come in really handy…

Unless we are willing take the time to explore our partners difficulties (and our own) and put in the hard work required to form an understanding of each others daily challenges, relationships can become quite taxing.

Im here to chat if you feel like any of the above makes sense and if you would like any further insight into my past experiences of a caveman trying to figure out a woman.

all the best

Conna

Thank you for explaining this!

@Ronripleyhorror

Its my pleasure

I appreciate you sharing your story as this almost exactly mimics my experience in my marriage. I’m glad I’m not the only one. And I’m glad others have decided to put in the work and understand their partners!

@limePineapple3650

Sadly I get the impression that a significant majority of couples out there who have inherent difficulties either don’t want to explore them or are afraid to bring the issues up with their partners. Relationships play a huge roll in all our lives, they are complex and often go way above the average participants abilities to comprehend. I kind of feel like we should all at least get some sort of crash course on the ins and outs of developing and maintaining a healthy relationship as when things are good and you feel supported, loved, nurtured and significant.. some of us regrettably need this external validation, we’re not all -yet- strong enough to love who we are. We all have our demons and it’s just nice to fight that internal war with someone as apposed to doing it alone.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a suggestion but I am in a similar situation. It’s hard when your marriage makes your anxiety worse because the person cannot communicate. 😔

I am in the same situation too. I think we can't change the situation by ourselves. The husband had to make his part otherwise it's a lost cause.

There is a book that your husbands can read that gave me quite a bit of insight into a woman’s world. It’s called “For men only” by Shaunti and Jeff Fieldhahn. And for the girls “For women only” It helped me, maybe it can help others..

He won't read it. But thank you!

Sometimes when people get defensive it’s because all they can focus on is the negative that they perceive you saying.

have you considered the sandwich method which basically is sandwiching the negative with positives

for example addressing a partners habit of being late:

I really appreciate how thoughtful you are when we spend time together. You always make our dates so special. (Positive setting a tone)

lately I’ve noticed that you’ve been running late to our plans more often, which sometimes makes me feel undervalued (introduce issue in a gentle way without accusations)

I know you care deeply about our relationship, and I’m confident that we can find a way to approve this together. (Close with reassurance expressing confidence in partner)

I can definitely try this out. I do use a positive approach. But not in this way. Thank you!

Leave him! Don’t waste life with a partner not willing to communicate. I wasted years of my life with a partner like that. You will never be happy with him if he puts no effort in for your anxieties… it will get worse. Way way wayyyyyy worse. So please, for the love of everything holy in this universe, leave him! Don’t be scared about where you will go or finances, that works itself out if you are determined and hard working. Stay at a friends or a family member’s home until you can figure it out. But leave him if he won’t communicate. Do not suffer. I repeat. Do not suffer!!

@Trish55 

Easier said than done, unfortunately.

@Ronripleyhorror
hey, let me help you, join me and I will schedule you meeting for free.Syed Fawad Ali is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.