Getting a divorce after 12 years

Hi first of all good luck to you in your new life. I'd say whatever happens happens for a reason.

Number 2 is Id say you should upgrade your self esteem and stop being dependent on the other person, paradoxically, this way he becomes less interested in you.

Love and value yourself, and this will be the message for others. Good luck.

Sorry to tell you this but if you're looking for a loyal partner in life, get a dog. Seriously.

Most humans are only loyal for as long as it suits them to be &/or they don't have to make any major sacrifices for it.

A shelter mutt can be (but isn't always) a fantastic choice, because you rescued him/her from a life of captivity around other distressed animals.

It will be 8 weeks since my soon-to-be ex have told he wants a divorce.

I will address him as "J" now. I seem to not like the word "my ex".

We have not gone through the paperwork but it will inevitably happen.

I will be the sole renter from May, and we are going to the apartment's management office for me to "receive the apartment key". He is going to be there to "drop off" the key. It is just a formality to make sure that all the keys are still there.

It is the stupidest thing. Yesterday he sent me money for the rent for May. I expected him to pay the rent so I did not say anything. And this morning, he did not do the laundry as usual. My delusional mind immediately went to, "He must think he doesn't have to do the laundry because he is paying the rent" and it made me angry. The laundry situation is not the most optimal where we live now. It is not possible to install our own washing machine in the apartment, so the people in the apartment building use the communal laundry room in another building.

Having been used to having my own washing machine and being able to do laundry whenever I want, this was quite a shock for me. I have to book a time in advance where it seems like I can only do laundry once a week max and I only have 5 hours to wash and dry. We are not allowed to let the drying machine run on another person's time slot. The washing and drying take 1 hour each, and there are two washing machines so it means I am able to do 4 loads. One load for towels and underwear, two loads for clothing, one load for beddings, and that is the routine I decided on. I have talked to other people and there seem to be people who are fine with washing their beddings once a month, but it is unusal where I come from so I cannot and will not change my routine. I am stubborn.

Anyways, because of this new laundry situation unbeknownst to me, I hated doing laundry here. It is worse in winter. Going outside in the snow with 4 loads of laundry every week. I was the only one doing the laundry every week the first two years we lived in this apartment. I suggested to J multiple times that we move to a different apartment. But I was a student and he was the sole breadwinner of the household. I could not force him. What I wanted to say with all this is that, I simply hate our laundry situation. And after nagging for a long time, J started helping out. The past year, when I started my teacher education, he was the main person doing the laundry. One of the reasons he got exhausted in this relationship.

Writing all this down here, I realize how trivial this all this. Trivial but enough for my husband to want a divorce. Jotting things down really help I guess. The problem seemed so big inside my head.

Anyways, seeing him not getting up for the laundry today after he sent me money for the rent yesterday, my delusional mind thought "J must be expecting me to pay the rent too". I asked him if he wanted me to pay. He answered "I told you I will pay so I would feel bad if I didn't". Which gave me the impression that he did expect for me to pay. So I paid half. I reckon if someone willing to pay would say something like "I still live here and I have a job so..." and maybe give it a shrug.

I reckon this has more to do with the cultural background. Where I come from, the unemployed student almost never has to pay in the presence of someone with a stable job. But here, everyone chips in, even if you have money or not. But I have a little bit of saving and even though I haven't received my pay for my subbing job yet, it won't starve me to death to pay half the rent. I am reminded that this is what he wanted. He does not want to support me anymore.

My delusional mind is starting to wonder if he is really going to give me half the money I am entitled to. I am wondering, if I happen to a fortune of finding a teaching job, is he expecting me to forfeit it? I almost want to because this topic is so pitty. But it is the money he earned and saved all through the while he was supporting me. Why should I get it?

I am nervous about being the sole renter. I haven't found a job, and I think I will survive the summer but after that, I hope I find something but what if I don't? J kept me at ease saying I will be able to survive with half the money I am entitled to after the divorce but what if he changes his mind?

But now, I just have to focus on finishing my BA thesis so I have something presentable to hand it in by 20th of May. It is three weeks left. I hope my chances of finding a teaching job will be better with a teaching license.

And it is five more weeks until he moves out. I still have my ups and downs and I am feeling almost exhausted and numb. I am so glad I still have a week left of my subbing job, and my BA thesis to focus on.

I am also trying to come up with a routine after the thesis is done (hopefully), and I am alone in a country I would not be in if it wasn't for him. I am greatful that I have this experience but scared because I never aspired to survive on my own in a foreign country. I never had those "I would like to live in a forien country some day". I am one of those, "I want to be able to live in one place, work at the same place for twenty years and observe the changes happening around me and complain about it". I have been longing for familiarity most of my life time. I have lived in this city in a foreign country for 8 years. Now I understand the people who wants to get out of their town or city. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

Its hard when the person is still living in the same space.

I think you'll be able to move on once the bandaid is ripped off.

You can do this. Your life will be different, but there's a chance it will be even better.

❤️

It has been 9 weeks since J told me he wants a divorce.

My hopeful side will not shut up and it is exhausting.

Today we were at the apartment management's office where he "left his keys" and I "picked them up". I was less emotional compared to when we signed the paper for me being the sole renter of the apartment a month ago. But I just had to say mean things to him while waiting in the waiting room. I was regretting it the moment I opened my mouth.

My friend advised me the obivous: Not say them.

I had to say something mean while eating dinner today.

I am tired of myself.

I have 3 more days of the subbing job and 2 more weeks until I hand in my thesis.

I am continuing applying for jobs.

The weather was nice this week. It will be a little cooler with more rain next week.

I found a great app called "How We Feel". It shows that rainy days are my bad days.

I have my better days when the weather is sunnier. It also shows that when I get less sleeping hours, the following day will be my bad day. I have more better days when I sleep 7-9 hours.

I am thankful that these kinds of apps exist. I would have been a monster without them.

I hope I can get rid of my monster.

I will take it one thing at a time, one moment at a time.

Focus on the positives.

I am doing my best.

I have a new chant now:

"I am going to live alone and be okay.

I will live alone and be okay.

I am in a safe place.

I'm alone.

I'm safe.

I got this.

I got me.

I am capable.

I am resilient.

I am healing.

May I be safe.

May I be peaceful.

May I be kind to myself.

May I accept my life as it is."

I have a "Happy Wall" on my phone. I made a second page today. They are pictures of my family and friends who have supported even though I was not a great friend to them. I include pictures of myself smiling with them. There are people who care and I am so thankful it makes me cry.

I had cake on Tuesday at work, I had cake on Thursday at the last language cafe, and I had cake at a cafe with a friend today. I remember I could not eat cake the past two months. My heart is definitely less broken. I am glad. I also had ice cream too.

Thank you.

@sunnyBunny8240

It has been 10 weeks since my ex-husband asked for divorce.

It has been a week since we signed for divorce.

We are waiting for the divorce to go through.

My ex-husband has become quiet and I am a little concerned, but as my friends say, I have to take care of myself first.

I am about half way done with my BA thesis and I have to make it somewhat presentable for my thesis supervisor next Tuesday. That is 3 days including today.

I am still looking for a job.

Today is one of my sadder days.

Some days I feel like it is good that I am going to be alone without my ex-husband (even though I am going to be unemployed).

Other days, like today, although fewer now, I feel I am going to miss my ex-husband very much.

I try not to think too much about him now. I have priorities.

I am reminding myself that it is okay I have a pang or a knot in my chest. I do not feel it all the time now, and when I do, I remind myself that someday I will forget about this knot.

I decided to keep track of the days I cried to see how often I cry. I know it is not everyday anymore.

I started a Path on 7cups titled "Breakups: Moving Forward". It is helping me keep grounded.

Now, it is back to my thesis!

@sunnyBunny8240 It is hard to walk away from someone you love, but that is someone who truly loves them and their self. I think you are courageous and strong. I wish you the best.  

Hi if u need help reach me

It has been 11 weeks since my husband asked for divorce, Mar. 2nd.
It has been a week since we have been officially divorced, May 8th.
I think I will count the weeks until he actually moves out.

Most importantly, it is 3 more days until I have to hand in my BA thesis.

But before that, I have to hand it in to my supervisor on Sunday, in 3 more days including today (Friday morning).

I think it has sunk 98% in my mind and heart that my husband does not love me.
The last 2%, I hope to get rid of once I start living alone.
It will probably be for another few months until I feel better.
I hope it doesn't take that long, but rumor has it, it would take about a year.

I have always been a little delusional.
I feel like this relationship lasted as long as it did because I was dilusionally optimistic.
I convinced myself that I was loved.
Or another scenario,
we were both immature and did not know how to handle relationships.
or both.
Or he just stopped loving me.
Or he just decided that I was not worth it.
Or all of the above.

It feels like, I have to hand in my BA thesis and I have to take care of myself. It is what I have been working towards to for the past decade.
My ex-husband is trying to take care of himself because he is running a half-marathon tomorrow and a 99 km marathon next weekend.
I still don't understand how he could put himself first.
He was never a supporter. He loved being supported.
If I say I would be studying to become a teacher, he would say he has a full-time job AND studying for a Master's.

We both just don't know how to support each other.

I am going to try and stop thinking about this.
I know it is pointless and useless.

It is what it is.

I am very thankful for this platform.
It has been helping so much.
Thank you.

I think it will be a couple more weeks until my ex-husband moves out.

It has been 12 weeks since he told me he wanted a divorce and a little more than 2 weeks since the divorce went through on May 8th.

He ran an ultra marathon today.

I was following him through his smartwatxmch, taking screenshots of his whereabouts every hour.

He texted me saying he forgot his underwear so I decided to see him on the finish line.

I arrived about an hour early.

My delusional side came up with all kinds of scenarios.

I decided to call it my creativity, being able to come up with different outcomes.

He arrives at the goal line, I take pictures of him.

He acknowledges my presence, we exchange a few words.

I am the only one there for him.

He sits down, takes a picture of himself and gets busy texting his family and friends I reckon.

He says he is going to take a shower, go in the sauna and swim in the lake, no more than 15 minutes.

I have a feeling it is going to be more than 15 minutes.

He leaves his bags with me. I wait.

All my hopeful delusions crushed.

Good news is, I got a job starting with 6 months trial.

I will be starting from August 13th, from the new school year.

I will be looking for an apartment closer to school.

I hope I find one soon so I can move in June.

I hope I will be hired after the 6 months, Feb. 12th.

I will do my best.

I still haven't told my parents about my divorce.

I have the thesis defence next Tuesday.

There will be a completion ceremony for my teacher training next Wednesday. I have invited my ex-husband a couple of months ago and he took a day off from work.

He seemed a little happy that it was also the day he will get the keys for his new apartment.

I regret inviting him. So far.

He has supported me the past 9 years.

If anyone deserves to be there to see me at the ceremony it is him.

I am going to go see the psychologist on Thursday.

It will be 50 minute bus ride.

I am still waiting for him with his bags.