Confused, Anxious, Depressed.. Name it all..

Thank you for sharing your story here! This is a good step to taking care of yourself. Maybe it might be even better if you try to contact a professional therapist in your acute situation.

This must feel like a world is collapsing for you, after 17 years of marriage and also having kids.

First of all I want to tell you that your "begging" for affection is nothing to be ashamed of! Every human has this need! It only is more or less expressed in each one of us. And a big thing is our attachment style. If you don't know what this is I highly recommend looking into Attachment Theory, I found an perfect explanation and understanding of myself in it. I am someone who needs constant prove of affection otherwise I don't feel accepted or loved. One remedy for me is concentrating on my own mission in life, what I am here for and how I can give value to people. Writing this here is one part of it.

So when you say you feel unworthy and unloved, you seem to look only at your husband to satisfy these needs. Instead, try to look at all the people in your life that you might not have considered, but are there for you, show you respect and affection. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I am convinced that everything is always in equilibrium, in balance. Only our limiting perception and believes make us look either at the good or at the bad and not see the whole picture. 

So for example, if you try to hang on to your marriage and to save it, yes there are a ton of options and ways that could save it, thinking of the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman, being vulnerable creates connection as Brené Brown says, couples therapy and many other techniques and ways to be more conscious and thus improve communication and relationships, but obviously all this takes first of all time and second, if you partner is not really interested and maybe even has already made other plans there's not much you can do and I find a good way to overcome a breakup is the following:

Again it is about seeing the balance. When you grief something, what are you missing? What do you feel the loss of? I suppose it is the positive things,  feelings, experiences, characteristics, you remember and associate with this person. But we know subconsciously that there are always, also situations that we did not enjoy as much. I am not saying there were as many or as important. But if you try and move your focus towards all the things you didn't like, and write them down, also when and where you experienced them, you can get to a point where you no longer feel bad about the loss. You can also overdo it until you'er very glad about him leaving but that's up to you. It is basically a shift of your focus and thus your perception.

Let me know if you could find some value in this. And think of all the things you enjoy doing which you maybe stopped doing a while ago and maybe go back to them to get a boost of happiness and self-esteem because when we do things we feel we are good at, we feel like we can reach our goals. 

And always remember, there are people out there you can turn to in need. There is no need to be ashamed, because you know there are so many other people in your situation, there are hotlines and groups and therapy. Respecting yourself first means to acknowledge the situation and then seeking help. 

You can do it! You came to this point overcoming all these endless obstacles in your life and even raising kids. Think back to all the moment when you felt like there was no future, and yet, here you are. 🤗 

@GothamRam 

it is hard to move on when we lived in a pattern for along time ...... it has been a year and yes i understand the seriousness of a infidelity or as you said almost one.... how long is his sentence and what items will make it up?    because i can tell you it is NEVER all forgotten and if the debt keeps growing of what needs to be done there is a point when the price is too high.  Coming to terms to whatever led it down a dark path is something you may need to work on as well.   i did not like to realize how my situation got to that point but some was on me....

it is not too much to ask to be shown affection and love but what are you looking for?   i ask because in similar shoes and just telling partner i wanted / needed more......... mine is missing the mark but trying so damn hard... i see that NOW that relationship is past repairable ..... that he was trying gestures and items that were NOT what i wanted .... but i was stubborn thinking "i should NOT have to give him a list of things he should instinctively KNOW we have been together for X amount of years " 

.... because giving him a script is not going to make me happy just the director saying " this time with more feeling" 

at a certain point when you feel you are always failing to make up the points or whatever even if he loves you he may not want to live like this anymore..... this sort of thing kills connection.... and affection.

We may think "we used to text and call and do goofy things when we were dating"  and cannot see why that slows or stops ..... but we are different we should grow and change together not hold them to a standard that of we used to..... do you have sweet things to text him or just life things that can wait to discuss when together.... at the end i realized how little we were saying .... i when mad blocked his phone # and guess what did not even notice for a MONTH.... big wake up call that it is just sad.  

this is not one person to blame game ... but a team sport .... what were reasons he came close to crossing a line .... was that addressed?    Mine flirted and such because I was so wrapped up in a situation i was not giving him the time of day and my anger over a work thing and spilled bitterness in every aspect of my life.....  i had to see my part and it was not pretty and a  tough pill to swallow. 

 what do you really want ?   to repair the relationship or start over?    what are your reasons... kids/ time invested or real love still in the embers?        THEN what does he want? not you assuming or guessing but ASKING ........ 

Remember when repaired much like something that broke when you glue it you can and sometimes will see the crack and know where it was from.  

@GothamRam

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. The possibility of separating from someone you have been with for that long must bring on a wealth of unpleasant emotions, and you should not feel bad about yourself for processing those emotions and letting them out. It is better to do that than keep things bottled up and then taking it out on the people you love such as your children.

In regards to your PPD, you should not feel any shame for that happening. Depression is a disease that can't be controlled necessarily, it can only be managed. I think you are a strong person for realizing this disease has happened in yourself.

We all need to feel loved, whether from our partner, our family members, or our friends, and those who don't show us unconditional love that we deserve maybe shouldn't be a fixture in our lives.

In the end maybe your husband will come around and realize what he is losing in you. There's no excuse for infidelity as that is an extreme breaking of trust in your partner though. Whatever happens though my friend, just know that there are a lot of people in this world who feel the same way you do (I for example have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and I'm 30 now). I know it's not a lot, but you have my love, and the love and support of your friends, family, and children my friend. You are not alone in your struggle and I hope you don't have to feel the way you do forever. Things will get better and you will heal from whatever life throws at you.