When someone screams "go away" should you?
The article below is about handling toddler tantrums. But I found it a lovely description of listening when it's hardest. And just as useful for adult relationships.
https://www.handinhandparenting.org/2021/02/when-your-child-screams-go-away-should-you/
Here's my summary of the main points.
When someone we love is upset, we want nothing else but to help them. But what to do when that help is thrown back at us?
When someone's words or actions scream "go away", we're left feeling hurt and rejected. When they stomp off and slam a door in our faces, we’re confused. Should we stay close or do as they ask and go?
You can feel caught between wanting to help and wanting to respect their autonomy and request for space.
"Go away!" is usually code for "I feel so badly inside and your presence makes it impossible for me not to feel this way".
The next time someone's words or actions scream "go away!", try substituting "Help! I'm a chaotic mess inside and I don't know what I'm doing!"
Try to remember a time from your own childhood when you felt awful and afraid and were unable to tell an adult what was happening or what was needed. What would you have preferred to happen?
Take a breath and ask yourself these questions:
Am I able to really listen right now without needing the other person to be different, or for this to be over?
Do I feel welcoming of these big feelings?
Don't try to stay and listen if you don't have the capacity. There will be another opportunity.
Remind yourself that the words and actions of the other person are not personal, but a reflection of their feelings to what they are feeling.
The only thing you have to do is listen. You don't have to understand why this is happening or solve what happened.
"I'm just going to sit over here and listen"
"I'll give you some space, but I want you to know that I'm near."
Expect things to look worse before they get better.
The author suggests thinking that the more upset they get, the harder they are working to resolve difficult feelings, as a way to keep yourself calm and centered.
This understanding is far from what most of us grew up with, so it can be hard to stay calm, listen openly and not to doubt yourself. But, the author finds that finding a way to stay close results in a better connection.
Afterwards: "you had some big feelings and I'm so glad I was able to be near you. I'm glad I got to listen"
I disagree with this one personally. When I say go away, I need the person to go away. It usually means I’m about to have a panic attack and I need to be alone to feel safe and ground myself to get out of the spiral and be able to breathe again.
Everyone’s different I guess.
@akay06
Yes, everyone is different. And I'm glad that you have found out what works best for you. You shouldn't feel obliged at all to change that, due to anything I wrote.
For me, the most useful bit of the article was the reminder that the more upset the other person is, the harder they are working. I often find it difficult not to take things personally. And this has really helped me see it as about them, not me. Would you agree that if someone was having a panic attack and implored me to go away, it would be best if I didn't get offended and react in an upset manner?
Of course. I don’t think anyone should take it personally when someone says go away when they’re upset. With me, it’s not about the other person, but me. I need space to process and deal with it myself at first.
I give people space and let them know I’m available when or if they need me when someone is visibly upset and tells me to go away. I don’t take it personal at all. People just deal with things differently.
@Clio9876 This sounds nice. Have you ever met anyone who actually did something like that, though?
@cloudySummer
Not exactly, but something like that, yes.
When I was a child, I think the need to support the emotional development of children was barely recognised as a thing. So I doubt there was much advice or training for care givers in subjects like this. So I don't find it surprising that it possibly was and probably still is, an uncommon skill.
As a teenager there was one person who sat with me and persevered until I was ready to share. It's not quite the same thing as there was no actual "go away". But I'm glad they ignored my attempts to brush them off, because I think they were a turning point in my life.
And here on 7 cups, I've had listeners who've persevered in listening while I've been having a bit of an adult tantrum and I have a lot of respect for listeners who can do that.
And, just because something is difficult or rare, I'm not sure that that means it's not worth aiming for. It might not be achievable in full. But every step I make towards it, I think is a step in a good direction.
@Clio9876 Thanks! It's nice to read that that kind of people exists outside of books, too. Wishing you the best for your way.
@Clio9876
Thank you!
This is profound: 'Afterwards: "you had some big feelings and I'm so glad I was able to be near you. I'm glad I got to listen"'
I feel like it's exhausting for a person to stick around when they're constantly being told to "go away". It's essentially like being told "I don't want you here" or "I don't need you".
@empathicPresence9091 It's definitely not easy. Also, if the listening person actually *is* a bad person, but thinks they're doing the right thing, then it can get bad. Let's hope the really bad people don't read this!
Interesting read. I've always told my eldest "Mate, if someone is being mean, do you want to stick around or would you rather leave them alone?" in relation to dealing with his younger sister's outbursts towards him. This article has made me rethink that advice...
@C4m
I love the fact that you are open to taking new ideas on board. I like to be open minded about ideas and it is great to meet people who think similarly.
If I remember correctly, the author advises that if you are not in the right head space, it's OK not to stay and listen. And probably better not to stay and listen. As several commenters have pointed out, doing this would take a lot of skill and strength. And I also agree with the general policy that self care should come first. Taking those points in mind, it seems to me that your advice to your eldest might have been very good basic advice. Which you could then chose to expand on or add further details to if you so chose.
If there is nothing threatening, that is happening to this person, I would rather listen and back off.