Frustration with making friends.
Emotionally I feel that it is time for me stop trying to make friends. Stop trying to reach out. I'm 45 years old and whatever I'm doing isn't working. In my younger days reaching out to people and keeping a good attitude about it wasn't so hard. There was always "hope" in the air. But I just keep getting older and my opportunities have only decreased. I find it odd how I try to reach out to people, say nice things, and while I might get a "thank you" or something like that. The small spark doesn't get a fire started. For some reason it just goes out. I have had to spend a lot of time looking into myself, trying to figure out what could be wrong with me. One of my theories is, back in 2001 I was diagnosed with "Mixed Personality Disorder". If you look it up, it is term that is kinda hard to define. I think there is something about me, that people don't feel like getting close too. It doesn't even matter if I got a good heart or not. It doesn't matter if I'm kind. It doesn't matter how many nice things I do. It doesn't matter how good of a listener I am. It doesn't matter where I go, or whom I'm around. Something about me turns people off. It is like the creator of the universe, decided to make me like this, and there is nothing I can do to change it. The more I think about this, the more sad and hopeless I feel.
It sounds like you're feeling really discouraged, and I can understand how painful it is to put in effort and not see the connections you're hoping for. It’s easy to start thinking something is “wrong” with you, but your worth isn’t defined by how others respond. Mixed Personality Disorder can make relationships more challenging, but it doesn’t mean you can’t form meaningful connections. It might help to seek professional support to work through these feelings. Even if it feels hard now, there’s still hope for positive change and connections in the future.
