Friendzone, Self doubt and Sexual Thoughts
Hi everyone!
There's a lot going on in my life and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't have anyone with whom I can share this stuff without any fear of judgements hence came up here. Hoping to get some honest advice.
So I am a 23 years old guy who has been in love with his female bestie for like past 6 years without any reciprocation from her side. I'll put the whole thing in brief just so that you understand the background. I know it's absolutely okay to not reciprocate someone's feelings but that way she has treated me all these years is something that has affected my mental health a lot. She used to ghost me whenever she got into a new relationship and came back after her breakups. She lied to me about so many important things in her life and kept leading me on by telling fairy tale things about our future which she never really meant. We weren't ever together in a relationship, nor have I ever been with any other girl in my life. I stopped talking to her few months ago when her lies came out but now I miss her a lot. I don't know what to do.
Now there's another part to this story too. You are welcome to judge me as whatever you would like to. I know I am a messed up person in some aspects. While I am doing absolutely great in my career (not trying to brag about it but just for the background), I am kinda a failure when it comes to leaving my bad habits. When my bestie got into relationships, there were times when I was too lonely. Ofc that's not a good excuse but I resorted to watching porn to combat that loneliness. It didnt help and always left me with guilt, making me feel like I am cheating on her. I tried leaving it so many times but failed. But finally I was able to succeed in it few weeks ago. But then arose a new problem. I have started to have sexual thoughts about one of my cousins who is my age and has been talking to me a lot these days. I know this makes me sound like a perv and it's all *** up. I don't want act on those thoughts and I never will because it's immoral. But all this leaves me with more guilt and I hate myself for all this. I really don't know how to handle this.
I know some of you would recommend seeking professional help, which I agree might be right but I don't and cannot seek it right now. I just want to hear your opinions and advice. Thank you!