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Friendzone, Self doubt and Sexual Thoughts
chrism59082 January 2nd
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Hi everyone!
There's a lot going on in my life and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't have anyone with whom I can share this stuff without any fear of judgements hence came up here. Hoping to get some honest advice.

So I am a 23 years old guy who has been in love with his female bestie for like past 6 years without any reciprocation from her side. I'll put the whole thing in brief just so that you understand the background. I know it's absolutely okay to not reciprocate someone's feelings but that way she has treated me all these years is something that has affected my mental health a lot. She used to ghost me whenever she got into a new relationship and came back after her breakups. She lied to me about so many important things in her life and kept leading me on by telling fairy tale things about our future which she never really meant. We weren't ever together in a relationship, nor have I ever been with any other girl in my life. I stopped talking to her few months ago when her lies came out but now I miss her a lot. I don't know what to do.

Now there's another part to this story too. You are welcome to judge me as whatever you would like to. I know I am a messed up person in some aspects. While I am doing absolutely great in my career (not trying to brag about it but just for the background), I am kinda a failure when it comes to leaving my bad habits. When my bestie got into relationships, there were times when I was too lonely. Ofc that's not a good excuse but I resorted to watching porn to combat that loneliness. It didnt help and always left me with guilt, making me feel like I am cheating on her. I tried leaving it so many times but failed. But finally I was able to succeed in it few weeks ago. But then arose a new problem. I have started to have sexual thoughts about one of my cousins who is my age and has been talking to me a lot these days. I know this makes me sound like a perv and it's all *** up. I don't want act on those thoughts and I never will because it's immoral. But all this leaves me with more guilt and I hate myself for all this. I really don't know how to handle this. 

I know some of you would recommend seeking professional help, which I agree might be right but I don't and cannot seek it right now. I just want to hear your opinions and advice. Thank you!

8
crimsonDrum7450 January 2nd
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@chrism59082 If your best friend has impacted your mental health for the worse then it doesn’t sound like a healthy or happy place to be for you.  If you’re still no contact with them I’d continue to do that. 


See if you can expand your horizons, meet new people and maybe find those that benefit you and your life
chrism59082 OP January 2nd
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@crimsonDrum7450 Thanks a lot for your advice. Yes, I am no longer in contact with my bestie and I am trying to focus on my career and my mental well being. But it hasn't been easy for issues I mentioned in my post. And yes, you are right. I really need to expand my social circle. I have also started working out lately to divert my mind. But I guess it's gonna take some more time.

crimsonDrum7450 January 2nd
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@chrism59082 It’s good you’ve taken up working out, as you say it’s a good distraction. It likely will take some time, 6 years is a long time with someone, even if it wasn’t the best situation that amount of history needs time of it’s own to mourn and move on from.  


But It sounds like you’ve already taken the first few steps, now hopefully positive results and better things will start coming together for you.

chrism59082 OP January 2nd
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@crimsonDrum7450 Yeah I too hope so. Moving on is something that, I guess, will happen gradually. But I am still not sure how to handle that guilt part I mentioned towards the end in my post. Thanks a lot for your time!

crimsonDrum7450 January 2nd
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@chrism59082 No problem, there are some good resources for guilt out there, I’ll link one  article I found and a quote that might be a helpful starting point. 


https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-for-dealing-with-guilt#cause


“Though guilt can initiate positive action, it can also cause you to associate your behavior with who you are as a person. This can lead to inaccurate self-assessment and negative self-talk such as “I’m a bad person.”

Try to remember that although the behavior may have been less than ideal, it doesn’t define who you are.”



Best of luck. I hope you find what works for you.  

chrism59082 OP January 2nd
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@crimsonDrum7450 I've read the article. It's indeed great. Thanks for sharing it. I'll try to make amends in my behaviour and hope to get over this guilt soon. Thanks again for your help. 

SaiyanAnxietyRadar January 12th
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keep it up, you're making progress. Most youn

SaiyanAnxietyRadar January 12th
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this is female nature 101, her leading you on is wrong. I think she knows you like her and that oftentimes turn women off.


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