Why do I compare everyone to my bad relationship?
138 Answers
Last Updated: 06/02/2022 at 4:59am
Moderated by
Maria Wasielewski, Master of Arts in Counseling and Guidance, University of Arizona
Licensed Professional Counselor
I am inspired when working with clients, who are facing challenging life experiences, to be able to help them to develop the needed skills to live their best possible life!
Top Rated Answers
Why do you compare everyone to your bad relationship?
:-)
It's reflection!
Maybe you're feeling insecure, feel uncomfortable... If you're in a bad relationship, then you feel every day be worse, likely you're in need of something you're not getting with this relationship.
It could be anything, really a lot of things.
Love with Trust and Security are major possibilities of something you're missing.
And when you see those things displayed in other people (with their relationships which is looks very nice), you crave it.
Really, I would need more information about your situations clearly to take a better analyze, I am not in your shoes.
Because I always see my own mirror, keep my positive self-talk, and i realize that comparing about our life with each others is killing. :-)
Comparing is because you want to be better or to show that you are not weak and important. You also want to make sure everything and everyone is like you so you don’t have to hide. This is why we can chat! Just chatting really helps. You can also get help on the growth path. It includes short and calming exercises that help you grow stronger. I recommend taking one step a day. We are our own selves and we do not need to compare. People who bully are because they are jelous where bullied before! I hope this helps ;)
It is only normal to compare the present to past experiences. It's actually human instinct. The best way to get past it is to tell yourself "that's the past, that's a different person."
Could it be you are afraid of getting hurt that way again, so you are looking for the warning signs?
Anonymous
July 8th, 2016 4:11am
Sometimes when you go through something tough, like a bad relationship, especially if it is your first relationship, then you believe that is the standard for a relationship. You may go searching for a relationship like that or not want to be in a relationship that isn't like that. It is always good to be aware of what type of relationship you are in and that it is not harmful to you.
We can challenge our perspective to see this comparison with other eyes. How? With a question. What if you're not just comparing, but you're actually perceiving what qualities are lacking in your own relationship?
If we unravel the meaning of comparison, you arrive to the conclusion that you're just discerning with your natural intuition whatever is lacking in your life. Despite knowing that comparisons do not always involve something intuitive that is positive, in this case, you even state that you're in a bad relationship, which confirms that you're just aware of what you deserve.
Discernment and awareness can come from understanding what qualities you perceive in the world that are not being manifested in your life. This is the heart of true comparison.
Past experiences can make you less trusting of something. It's completely common for that to happen as we think that the same thing might happen again. But you have to realize that this is a new person than the one from your past bad relationships. If you keep thinking that bad history will repeat itself, then it will be harder for you to move on and start fresh on things, so it's better to let go.
Anonymous
August 3rd, 2019 2:35am
Oftentimes, trauma and abusive or toxic relationships leave a lasting impact on the way you see situations, new relationships, and other people. Many people who have gotten out of toxic or abusive relationships find themselves constantly searching for red flags because they feel like if they could have seen it sooner they would have saved themselves a lot of pain. This causes them to panic when they see something in a person that reminds them of another bad relationship. Even if it's a little thing, such as a certain speech pattern or habit that has nothing to do with someone's character, it can be hard not to make connections and draw conclusions.
The reason that you will compare everyone to your bad relationship is because these negative experience in our lives have some much power and influence. And these time provoke strong emotions that seem too linger. One tip of advice I have learn with moving on from bad relationship is allowing yourself time to recover before entering into another relationship and to progress these feelings. What did I do wrong? this was a common question that I have asked myself and hear from friend regardless of gender. We have to allow ourselves to cope and be honest and open.
Anonymous
February 16th, 2020 6:27am
It might have left you quite scarred and you brain always anticipates future in comparison to past events. Like when you touch something hot, next time you hesitate to even go anywhere near it. So the first evaluation method you opt for would be to compare something with you already faced, and often negative memories are stronger than positive ones. It could also be that you haven't totally accepted your relationship and are becoming more pessimistic in attempt to save yourself or others from getting hurt like you did. I hope this helps. Love, don't worry, everything will start making sense again. :)
a bad relationship leaves us with some scars of insecurity due to the unpleasant experiences. There is a constant worry and fear of going through the same emotions and experiences again. This puts us on high alert and we tend to compare all with our bad relation to be sure of not repeating the last pattern. Sometimes , in the process, we tend to be over critical or judgmental or worried. Its all the survival instinct. With a loving support and awareness , we gradually gain confidence and higher self esteem and get past this with it . Its a process
Because it's the natural thing to do. We are fearful of experiencing a repeat of the bad relationship. When we trust someone and they hurt us, it takes time to move beyond that pain and trust another person. We do not want to relive that pain, so we are suspicious of the motives of the people we are in subsequent relationships with. Unfortunately, it takes the new partner demonstrating that they are not like the one who hurt us. We cannot take people at their word about certain things, and matters of the heart is one of those. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes it takes self-care to move beyond the bad relationship.
It is in human nature to look around us for reference.
It's what causes a lot of feelings of shame on certain topics.
When dealing with a bad relationship it's important to stay honest with yourself and know the things others might display aren't always true.
sometimes people who are in a bad relationship will pretend everything is fine whilst in public. so when you are looking around for reference, take the things you see with a grain of salt.
it's not per say a bad thing to look around you when you are in a unhealthy relationship, it keeps your compass pointed north.
This is important so that your unhealthy relationship doesn't start to seem normal to you because the only thing worse than a bad relationship is blaming yourself for it.
Anonymous
November 14th, 2019 3:46pm
Because we never forget bad things. We learn how to live with them. How to overcome those obstacles. I don’t think we reach to a point when the memory just disappear , but I do believe that we reach a point in our way where we learn how to handle it. You may be comparing everyone to your bad relationship because you’re scared to fail a gain, to be hurt again, to suffer. To fall in love with someone that will make you the same harm as the last person. Maybe you just have to give yourself time to heal from that, to realize how to live your live without living in the past.
Anonymous
November 1st, 2019 10:08pm
I compare everyone to my bad relationships because I don’t want to get hurt again. I am so afraid to get crushed into a million pieces I have to not pick the people I can build with so I minimize my chances of being hurt again. Being hurt by someone you love is the worst. It tore me down to my bones and took everything from me. It took my love away for everything. I didn’t want to live anymore and I finally started to realize this isn’t how I want to be and I built myself up, I have a relationship with myself. I now trust myself and my judgements on others because I don’t want them to tear down what took me so long to build.
Anonymous
September 25th, 2019 5:01am
I think you expected too much from your partner and your partner did not do so. It happens in everyone's life, what we gave don't get the same, also we always regret what we have chosen and always want to get the path that is not taken earlier. Please read THE ROAD NOT TAKEN and u will understand. What do we do, we just put our self in others relationship or we compare a person with whom we felt bad and our mind did not accept that person. What is needed to do? We have to b positive and calm while introducing with a new person, every fingers are not , never be same.
I do this as well even now in my new relationship, and it's not because I want to but I do it to be cautious and to also appreciate him for being different from my bad relationships. Our brain is designed to look for patterns from good and bad experiences so we can get out of situations. This is why we have gut feelings. So when we go into a relationship we analyze it because we want to make sure we don't go through that horrible thing again. It may also be all you know! For me I have never had a healthy relationship (except hopefully this one because that is what it seems like so far) so I compare to my bad relationships a lot because I have never experienced anything outside those toxic and abusive relationships therefore I'm almost out of my realm
Anonymous
June 15th, 2019 10:39am
Bad relationships leave nasty mental scars that take a long time to heal. Because of this, we naturally go into comparison mode when looking at potential partners, because we fear repeating the same process as before. Subconsciously, it's almost like we are expecting each person to be a failure because they may have a similar personality feature, that triggers one of the mental scars that causes us to build those defensive walls and push that person away. We keep on repeating the same process. Sometimes though, there isn't actually a genuine indicator that causes that trigger, but it still sets off the comparison and makes relationships quite difficult.
It is an act of self defense mechanism. A benchmark has been set, like, person with quality 1,2,3 will give feelings that would not be good. So, I wont go to another person with quality 1,2,3, because it is bad for me. So before falling into relationship of any other kind, one is required to compare every new person one meets, to keep oneself safe. This is called, learning skills for self defense and smooth survival than falling down again with same nuisance. So, comparing is totally fine. It is a self care mechanism. You may feel overdoing comparison because you may have recently experienced bad relationship.
Anonymous
May 1st, 2019 2:31pm
Everyone has had bad relationships and when things fall out i see everyone as a potential candidate to hurt me. its a defense mechanism. we cant help but feel this way because at some point we believe anyone is capable of hurting us just like we were in the past. when this happens we should realize that people are different so are situations,so we should recall past hurts but not use them as a basics for future interactions with others in order to have healthy relationships. i have known this and it has really helped me and of course all those breakup and empathy courses!
Relationships can be complicated but something to help that is talking with someone about it or doing something that makes you happy or the thing that helps most is talking it out with your partner.
You may compare everyone to your previous bad relationship because this relationship had a lasting impact on you and this can effect your judgements and ideas of people.
When you experience a bad relationship and you do not deal with the issues that made it bad, the same issues will repeat in your next relationship, guaranteed. That is just how this universe works. To avoid this, deal with the inner issues that the past relationship triggered within you so that you can stop "attracting" other people over and over who trigger them.
Anonymous
April 25th, 2018 2:31pm
Bad is commonly associated with fear. Therefore, every time you meet someone new, you are scared of having an as bad experience as your bad relationship.
Anonymous
April 27th, 2018 8:07pm
Cause maybe that’s what you think you deserve. So when someone you treats you like you are worth everything you don’t believe it.
Maybe it could be because you are feeling all of this uncomfortable feelings when you are with your partner when you have disagreements or whatever it is that you are going thru, and it makes you want to do something about it. Maybe you are evaluating other people's relationships so you can figure out a way to change your own relationship
Anonymous
May 13th, 2018 10:34am
Sometimes a bad experience can set the standard for all future relationships because you just can't get out of that cycle. But forgetting that relationship completely and blocking it out is the first step. Focus on the relationship and person you're with at the time, first and foremost.
Most people compare new relationship to old relationship because you don't want to be hurt again. If you're falling for this new person. It's as if something switches on your mind to check , double check, and triple check . That this one won't hurt you like the last.
Anonymous
June 1st, 2018 9:42am
You are traumatised by your past experience. Whenever you are remotely happy, you compare because you are scared of getting hurt. So,you compare so that In the early stages only,you can terminate and run away.
Anonymous
January 16th, 2019 12:15am
In my experience, it's easier to remember the bad over the good. It can be scary to allow your hopes to get up when you've already experienced something bad from someone else- especially since bad relationships take such a toll on us because of the level of trust we are apt to give our partners. When those we loved/ cared for betray our trust- whether through cheating, abuse, or general toxicity- it tends to follow us, almost like a warning. I think the important thing is to create a positive distinction in your mind and see your partner for who they are vs what their worst potential is.
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