Why vs. What and How questions
Asking questions like - why am I the way I am, why am I always at fault, why everything happens to me, why am I not good enough, why can't I just be like them, why can't I just be, etc. are important, no doubt - we're all naturally curious about our emotions and our behaviour.
Focusing on the 'Why' questions, however, indicate that you're still living in what you once did or how you once were in the past. There is a need to shift your focus from the why questions to your what and how questions in order to learn and move forward.
As listeners, it is important that we help members move forward by asking the right questions.
Consider this scenario -
Member: I feel so upset, I can never be good enough. Why can't I be good enough?
Listener: Why do you feel you're not good enough?
Member: Because I am not, all my friends are way better than me.
Listener: Why are they better than you?
Member: They are more enthusiastic and fun.
Listener: Why are they more enthusiastic and fun?
Member: How do I know? I just know I am not.
Listener: Why do you feel so?
Do you see the pattern being repeated without even getting to the conclusion? The why questions can be important to identify your feelings but they don't really solve anything - they just spiral into more why questions and makes the Member feel like they're being interrogated which makes them feel worse.
Now, consider this scenario -
Member: I feel so upset, I can never be good enough. Why can't I be good enough?
Listener: What is making you upset?
Member: My friends are more enthusiastic and fun than me.
Listener: What makes you feel so?
Member: I guess that when they go out and they don't invite me, I feel that I'm not fun enough to hang around with.
Listener: How would you get to that conclusion?
Member: I am very quiet when I am around them.
Listener: What makes you be quiet around them? How do you feel when you're around them?
Member: I am weird, you know? I have a very weird sense of humour. I feel like if I crack a joke and they don't find it funny they'll leave me or judge me.
What difference do you notice? In the first scenario the Listener and the Member, both were focusing on the why - did it lead to anything more like it did in the second scenario? No. Focusing on the why is like a maze - you will think that each time you answer a question you will be leading to somewhere - a way out, but in reality, you're always taking the other path and spiralling back to where you were in the first place. There is no in or out in the why maze.
Understanding the past as prologue to the present helps put the pieces together, but it does not produce change. For change to occur, we need to shift our focus from the “whys” to the “hows” and “whats”—to what we need to change and how we can change it.
Original post here