When A Member Looks To Be Your Listener

In most chats, there are clear roles; you the listener listen, and the member expresses themselves expected to be listened to. But sometimes, one of the following 3 types of deviations might occur in a chat:

familiarizing with the listener, wanting friendship, and role reversal.

Familiarizing with the Listener

This is when the member simply wants to get to know you better. Whilst this may be unsettling at first, being asked questions about yourself, it's important to recognise that the member may be feeling self-conscious about talking to their problems to (in their perspective) a complete, but caring, stranger. By virtue of answering a few basic questions about yourself you can develop trust with the member in order for them to feel more secure in telling you personal aspects of their life. Of course, you're not in any way obligated to reveal anything about yourself, especially if they're very personal questions. 

Let us consider the following scenario:

Member X: Do you mind me asking Listener Y, have you ever been through depression?

Listener Y: I'd prefer it to not discuss aspects of my life such as that, if that's okay. I'm very understanding, so I assure you whatever you have been through I shall not judge.

This scenario shows reluctance on the Listener's behalf to reveal anything about their experience of life. The first sentence may make the member feel mistrusted a little, but the second sentence is to assure their confidence in not being judged. Every time a member expresses themselves it's useful to try and establish why they are saying what they say. In my mind, I would presume that Member X is asking that question because they want to establish whether the Listener has common ground with them in order to understand what they are going through so as to avoid judgement. Alternatively, you can answer it like this:

Member X: Do you mind me asking Listener Y, have you ever been through depression?

Listener Y: Yes I have been through depression myself, and know what it's like. What challenges have depression brought you?

This way you're establishing trust and common ground with the member which will make them feel trusted, but also you're maintaining the attention and focus of the chat being mainly on the member.

Wanting Friendship

This topic can be divided into two; those whom you have already helped and then want friendship, and those who from the very first comment just want friendship.

Whilst the term "friend" can essentially sound very unprofessional and colloquial, it has a broad definition: "a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations." Now one thing that is important to remind ourselves is that a member is encouraged to connect with a listener. It's fair to reason that a member and listener form a certain type of bond here on 7 Cups, and will find certain things to like about each other. Is that a friendship? It may or not be considered so. 

How a Friendship Could Benefit the Member:

One could argue that if we wished to talk to members about their problems all the time, it could make them feel that their illness/problem defines them, and this can be detrimental to their self-esteem. It is important to establish other factors of the members' lives that they can learn to value and appreciate. Sometimes people spend so much time trying to "fix their problem" they lose a sense of self. And by allowing a variety of conversation, even if it is a little colloquial occasionally, it can have a huge impact on the member's self-esteem. The question to ask is: 'are we actually helping?'. Sometimes it could be argued that a friendship can be incredibly counter-productive and ignores the member's needs. But other times it feels that it can be overall relatively beneficial to recognise other aspects of the member. Do NOT though, establish a friendship with a member if you think it will result in you not managing to also help them. And by friendship, we mean a bond with mutual affection over anything. This does not entail sharing of any personal contact details, as that is strictly forbidden.

Now, as for fresh chats where the listener specifically wants friendship, and nothing else, then it is important to initially explore if there is a deeper issue that the member feels they are facing and would like to discuss. If so, then consider the thoughts written above, and then do what you feel is best. If not, then kindly and politely remind them that your time here is dedicated to listening and helping people and you would prefer not to maintain a connection which has no professionalism to it. 

Regardless of what happens, we encourage you to stick to these rules in these circumstances:

1. Ensure you are directing the conversation, and not the member.

2. Do not discuss colloquial matters at length, discuss those only momentarily, and then resume professional discussion.

3. Make it clear you have their interests at heart, and not your own personal interests whatever they may be.

Role Reversal

It is very tempting, when asked about yourself, to express yourself, but please be aware that we must stick to our roles. As you empathise with a member during a chat, they may be able to sense what experiences you may have been through.

Often, when you greet a member for the second time, you ask each other how you are and there is that temptation to talk about yourself in turn but you must not do this. An example of this is:

Listener Y: Hello Member X! How are you?

Member X: I'm ok, just struggling a bit much. Yourself?

Listener Y: I'm sorry to hear that, would you like to talk about it? I'm good thank you I've been so busy doing.....

This may suggest to the member that you may not want to discuss how they feel if you are directing the conversation elsewhere. It is crucial to focus unequivocally on the member and not yourself. A much better response would be:

Listener Y: I'm very sorry to hear that, we all have our down days and I want to help and support you get through them by listening to you any time you wish. I wonder whether there is anything specific causing you to struggle. I'm okay, thank you for asking.

This way you have significantly focused on the member, being empathising whilst acknowledging them asking how you are, not diverting the attention but responding politely. 

It can be very easy for the member to slip into the role of the listener, and as a Listener you must be careful of this. Often, members will divert the attention away from themselves as a coping mechanism or because they feel they do not deserve help. Reassure them that you are here to support them and they deserve kindness and care! After you have done this, it should be a lot easier to maintain a healthy and supportive chat.

Original post here