When a member gets too dependent on you
When members use phrases like , "you saved me, I can't do this without you, I really need you," these are red flags that the member is becoming too dependent on you. We want to support people in pain, and recognize that some people really do need long term support, but other times, if members are using listeners as a way to avoid facing their problems or repair or build relationships in the real world, we can actually be a crutch for them, and hold them back from changes they might make to become more empowered to solve their own problems.
If someone is very needy or particularly draining to you, spend just as much time as in comfortable for you. You can be a help and support for them without having to be the only help and support for them. And when you play just your part in their lives, you leave room for them to grow.Setting Boundaries
Boundaries will often be tested and the way to have boundaries respected is to ask for the member's support in honoring the times and days you are available to chat, including the length of time you have available.
I sometimes practice what I call "the slow back away." When I sense a member is over-relying on me, I will respond to their messages less frequently, and offer shorter answers to their questions. This way, I can allow the needy member to save face by avoiding direct confrontation.
If a member becomes angry at you for needing space, do not take it personally. You did not do anything wrong. You are steering the member in a healthy direction and also taking care of your own needs.
Messages such as these could help in setting up boundaries with a member who could be growing too dependent on you:
'Hi! It seems like I'm often not available when you are here, and it's not our scheduled time. I just wanted to let you know that it's perfectly fine to have more Listeners - I want you to have someone that Listens, even when I'm not available!'
'I can see that you've been sending me a lot of messages - I just wanted to make sure that you know that I am only able to reply to these every Sunday, where we have our scheduled times - I just want to make sure you're not waiting for replies I cannot provide.'
It could also help to offer a polite explanation such as-
'I need to let you know that while I am here to kindly listen to you and support you, I am also here to support others as well. And have to divide my time between that and my life outside of 7cups.'
Further, this post guides you about how you can use youcanbook.me tool to schedule chats with members.
We need to be polite and firm at the same time, when setting up boundaries with the member(: