Supporting Members with PTSD/Trauma Issues

Supporting someone who has suffered a traumatic experience/s is not always easy to handle, especially if disclosures are made of upsetting experiences coupled with expression of painful emotions. How you react can make all the difference in forming a rapport with the member, in the building up of trust, so that the member comes to feel safe, to be themselves with you, without fear of judgement.

How you respond as a listener could enable that member to tell someone for the first time, what they have been through, and they may, if they feel safe with you, come back for further support in the future. As a listener, try to be supportive, sensitive to the needs of the member, compassionate, empathetic, whilst using encouraging words and phrases to avoid judgment and show support towards the member.

Some examples to consider trying when supporting Survivors (there are many more supportive responses you could consider using):

'I'm really sorry this has happened to you.'

'That must be really tough for you.'

'I'm really pleased you've felt able to share with me.' 

'That takes a lot of strength to cope with, I'm sorry you have had to deal with this on your own.' 

All these responses communicate empathy and allow you as a listener to acknowledge that the experience the member has had, has affected their life. 

 

Unhelpful responses which are not empathetic which you should avoid are:

'They must have had a reason to do what they did; perhaps you provoked it.'
'You should forgive the person, we all make mistakes and you wouldn't feel bad and could live with yourself.'
'What did you do to make them hurt you this way?'
'I'm not the right person for you to talk to, I don't support Survivors, you're lying, I'm ending the chat now.'
'I don't believe you.'

 

One of the most important things to think about saying to any member who has suffered traumatic experiences, particularly abuse in childhood is:

'It's not your fault.'

Abusive experiences are never the fault of the member/Survivor even though most do blame themselves rather than the perpetrator/s. By telling the member that it wasn't their fault, you may be the first person ever, who has actually said this to them. This, in itself, could lead to a profound turning point for the member.

Survivors are very good at blaming themselves, so if you need to, remind them several times, that abuse is never their fault, no matter what the circumstances or situations, and that responsibility for abuse, always lies with the abuser/s.

Another important phrase to consider saying is:

'I believe you.'

It's very hard for a member to speak out about their experiences, particularly so, if they've been disbelieved previously upon disclosing to someone. Survivors sometimes need to know, that they're believed because we live in a culture where, even in today's society, many people still choose not to believe them upon disclosure.

Survivors find it very hard to share their experiences, because they feel guilty, ashamed, blame themselves, fear others blaming them etc.

'You are not alone.'

Living with experiences of trauma can feel very isolating, whether the member has support or not. Be there for your member, remind them you're there for them, that you're willing to listen and do what you can do support them. You could say that unfortunately you're only too aware of many people who are affected by issues of abuse/trauma, so the member comes to realise, that it's nothing about what they did or didn't do that caused them to be hurt.

Also remind members, that support is always there for them from 7cups, in addition to any support from family, friends, or professionals they may have in their current support system.

'I'm not here to hurt you, you have been hurt enough, I know you may find it difficult to trust me but I hope you can come to feel safe talking to me.'

Trust in you as a listener will not be easy to achieve initially for many members. They've no reason to trust you if they've never spoken to you before, or if they have plenty of evidence from their traumatic experiences that prove to them, people can't be trusted, where there's been hidden agendas by others which has resulted in the member being hurt.

If a member opens up to you, this shows that on some level they are trusting you. Reassure the member you are safe, and that this space (chat) is for them to talk about whatever they wish to. Also, you could ask a member what they need from you to feel safer. It is always helpful as a listener to check in if the member feels safe to carry on.

'What you have shared, doesn't change how I think of you, if anything, I admire the courage you have shown to share this with me.' 

Survivors often are terrified that by sharing their experiences, others will change towards them, whether by changing how they behave, respond, think or feel. Reassure the member that abuse/trauma happened to them, it wasn't their fault and it doesn't change how you see them. You could also, if appropriate, say that whilst you can appreciate their experiences may have changed how they have felt about themselves, abuse itself, doesn't make them who they are, it doesn't define them, it is something that happened to them.

 

Don't Say: 

'That was so long ago, why can't you just get over it?'

This is a very insensitive reponse to make to those who have suffered a traumatic event. For those of you who have lost loved ones, how long did it take you to get over your bereavement? When a traumatic experience involves abuse in childhood, the impact is even more severe, involving the loss of innocence, shame, sexual violation, loss of childhood, feeling trapped, silenced, fear, the removal of living life freely without fear.

Survivors of trauma have to heal, and process the experiences they have gone through and this takes time. There may always be pain, there may always be grief, but they can learn to come to terms with their experiences and manage this, in their own time, and at their own pace.

'It's just sex.'

For those who have suffered traumatic experiences involving sexual assault, rape, childhood sexual abuse, unwanted sexual attention and touch is a violation - It's NOT just sex. That's why there's a difference between consensual and nonconsensual sex. One is an act of choice and love. The other is predatory and criminal.

'Why didn't you tell me before?' 

Sharing a very personal story of a trauma, is difficult. And should you as a listener feel the need to ask why a member hasn't told you sooner, think about this: This is not about you. It's about the member. Please do not make anyone feel bad for having taken their time to tell you something so painful. Do not place pressure or guilt onto them for this.

Deciding to share very personal and emotive issues such as trauma involves taking a massive risk - of trust, and in trauma, trust is often smashed to pieces. Equally, for those who perhaps have had experiences of sharing with someone before, that experience may have taught them not to tell, not to trust, if the reaction they received was negative.

'Just forget about it, just stop thinking about it.'

Flashbacks and triggers happen when Survivors of Trauma least expect it. Trauma impacts on the day to day lives of Survivors and so it's not as easy as to expect them to stop thinking about it. It erodes away at the very core of who a person is. Many victims suffer from PTSD and cannot control the sudden thoughts, feelings and memories that invade.

'Oh, I understand totally.'

No, no you don't and cannot understand totally. You may be able to appreciate what someone may be going through, but you cannot begin to understand 100% what the other person has experienced and gone through. Not even another Survivor of trauma could understand totally because everyone is individual and unique, just like their past is, their life experiences, the ways they cope, what they think and what they feel. Equally, no two Survivors will heal in the same way. You may be able to appreciate people's struggles, which is a better thing to say, but please don't claim you totally get what another person is going through.

'It's not a big deal, it happens to a lot of people.'

A trauma whether as an adult or child is a big deal and can have devastating effects on an individual's life to a point that some, decide it's so painful, they take their own life. Trauma profoundly affects every aspect of a Survivor's life in ways that no one can appreciate unless they have suffered themselves.

Traumatic Experiences do happen to a lot of people, but by saying something like this, you are minimising what has happened to the member you are talking to, you are invalidating them and being unsupportive in having that kind of attitude.

 

Important Points: 

• Most Survivors, no matter what their age, may test people out by giving small pieces of information before deciding to make full disclosure. This is called testing the waters before they take a leap of faith and dive in and is to be expected.
• Do not Panic: If a person approaches you and begins to disclose about abuse they have/are suffering, they have chosen you, because perhaps they feel safe and must trust you to some extent. This can be seen as a privilege that you have been that safe person to whom they feel able to turn. Many people worry about supporting survivors, fearing they do not have the necessary skills or knowledge to know how to support someone effectively, or they don't know what to do. Some people may have an overwhelming need or desire to pass the young person onto someone else, who they consider to be more experienced or skilled in this area. If you keep a calm head, and engage active listening skills, showing empathy, warmth and acceptance of that young person and their story, you are more than likely able to handle it.
• Listen! Many people are good listeners, whether trained in listening skills or not. But when placed under pressure, people may find they do not listen as well as they could normally, and some people may find they talk too much under such pressure. Once a survivor makes the decision to disclose, it's important they're given the space to share, to offload and to express how they feel. This is hampered when people feel a need to say things such as "Oh I know what you mean, oh that must have been terrible, oh you poor thing" etc. Silence too, can be important in allowing the young person to be given time to find the courage and strength to say whatever they need to. It's important not to fill that silence preventing the survivor from being able to talk freely. Survivors of course, would like a response, to know they've been heard, to know they're not talking to a brick wall and so it's important to try and strike a balance between giving them the space they need, whilst acknowledging what they are sharing with you.
• Believe! Abuse is a hard issue for many people to speak out about, both adult and young people. For young people, there's a fear of being disbelieved and subsequently rejected. For those young people who perhaps have tried to speak out previously, they may have found it difficult to be clear enough about their experiences for others to understand what they are trying to disclose, or they may have been disbelieved, and even blamed. This is particularly so where abuse has taken place within the family. Some abusers are seen as respectable members of society and because of this, some people may find it difficult to perceive them any differently. Consequently, Survivors sadly, are disbelieved and not heard. Survivors themselves can often expect to be disbelieved for after all, they're the ones living with the unbelievable.
• Empower: Child Sexual abuse, especiallly, is about a total loss of power and control. Any decision a young person makes must be theirs alone. They must be allowed wher possible to regain some sense of power and control over their life and their decisions. It's very helpful to explore with a young person what their options are, even making suggestions but they must be allowed to make decisions that feel right for them, even if you believe that decision to be bad or wrong.
• Don't try and make it better! When faced with a situation in which a person is extremely distressed, it's only natural that for the majority of people, they've a wish to try and make things better for the person concerned. When it comes to childhood sexual abuse, sitting down with a nice cup of tea and for a chat, is not going to magically make things okay. Sadly, the only person who can truly make things better is the survivor themselves. This could be by speaking out, seeking support, working through the many issues they will need to work through etc. As a supporter of someone who has suffered abuse, your role is important in terms of offering them the much needed support, but your wishes as a supporter is secondary to that of the Survivor's.
• Support for the supporter: Dealing with trauma issues as a supporter is tough and it's important this is not overlooked. Listening to any Survivor disclosing about abuse, can be a painful experience in itself. You may be a Survivor yourself, and disclosures by others may stir up your own issues. Get support for yourself if this is needed.

 

Final Words: 

Recognise the strength and courage it takes for someone to disclose to you about their very painful and difficult experiences and feelings. If you try imagining how uncomfortable and embarrassing it can be for anyone to talk about a good sexual experience, just stop and think for one moment of how very difficult and painful it is for the Survivor to talk about unpleasant and traumatic experiences.

Remember Abuse is never, ever the fault of the Survivor. No matter what the circumstances, no matter whether they fought back or not, responsibility for abuse always lies with the perpetrators. Let the Survivor know it was not their fault, that they did nothing wrong. Never judge them or their situations. Lots of Survivors are threatened and told it was their fault, they may have been forced or coerced into situations of other people's making. It's never a Survivor's fault. Lay no blame or guilt at their door.

 

A helpful resource to share with members: https://www.7cups.com/path/playlist/trauma-support-exercise/ 

 

Original post here