Step 5A: 10 Proven Ways to Resist the Urge

1) Take a breather. Take a few deep breaths, slowly inhaling and exhaling. Slow down your physical cravings and your runaway thinking. Relaxation will get you through a surprising number of potential slips. 

2) Knock it off. Interrupt the thought process and vigorously challenge it. When you whine, “I neeeeeeed it!,” dispute that nonsense. When you pretend a want is a must, forcibly tell yourself that you are not a five-year old without free will or discipline. When friends try to convince me that they are helpless, we ask simply, “Could you have resisted for a thousand dollars?” Ninety-nine percent of the time, they reply, “Of course.” That proves they possess the skills to do so. Set your mind straight.

3) Say “Yes, I can.” Remind yourself in no uncertain terms that you have resisted successfully many times before. This method does not entail passively analyzing the situation; this is a hand-to-hand combat in which you actively affirm your resilience.

4) Walk it away. The research shows that a brisk, medium-intensity walk reduces cravings. For others, a slower, walking meditation works. Literally walk away your urges.

5) Do the healthy opposite. Employ your healthy alternatives during periods of temptation and craving. Instead of shopping, clean your wardrobe for donations to others; instead of vegetating on the couch, get up and get active; instead of suffering in angry silence with your partner, initiate a calm, constructive conversation about the distress. Monique, for instance, decided not to visit a bar and wing joint to watch the Philadelphia Eagles game (no level-headed person would root for the Dallas Cowboys!) in favor of inviting friends over to her house where she controlled what drinks and eats were served. Be sure that your healthy opposites are ones that you genuinely enjoy; alternatives to triggers should never feel like punishments. Reward your slip prevention by having a good time.

6) Talk yourself down. Contact your helpers/change team ASAP to quiet your inner rumblings and talk you down. They can speak with you for a few moments and support you.

7) Distract yourself silly. Find a distracting activity that fully engages both your hands and your mind. For some people, it’s getting on the computer and answering email; for others it might prove a puzzle or video game; or workout. Make a call, water the plants, anything that will take you the 5 minutes that these cravings persist.

8) Run away! The comedic group Monty Python was fond of encouraging each other to “run away” in the face of danger and threat. It made for hilarious skits then and it makes for a sensible response now should your urge become overwhelming. Leave the vicinity of the threat and utilize the aforementioned methods. When Andrew found himself in a high-risk situation with free-wheeling friends, he would find a plausible reason to depart quickly—“need to finish some paperwork” or “I need to return an urgent call”—and then vigorously challenge his thought process that he “deserved” to engage in self-defeating behavior.

9) Stroke yourself. Rewards work. When you are confronted with a craving, reinforce yourself for keeping on track. An internal congratulations, an external reward, a contract with a loved one. Strengthen your resolve by rewarding perseverance.  

10) Search yourself. Sooner or later, your urge to renew the problem behavior will probably prompt the realization that you need to revisit your emotional reasons for the old behavior in the first place. Return to those reasons for your old behavior—why were you consumed by the desire, what emotional gratification was it serving—and remind yourself of the reason for the goal.

Remember to use both sides (the two-headed push-pull) of the motivation: the push away from the old disgusting behavior and the pull toward a brighter future. Such a process rarely stops a raging urge, but it powerfully reminds you of the psychological triggers in the past and the psychological payoffs in the future. That is the basis, ultimately, for your emotional freedom.