Step 4C: First in Your Mind, Then with Friends

Practice saying no—at first in your mind and later to the other person. “No thanks, I don’t want to bicker and exchange hurtful comments.” “No, I’m quitting.” Begin in your imagination by saying No confidently and immediately. Rehearse the scene in your head and think of best ways to react to the situation. This way, when such triggers arise, as they inevitably do, you won’t be panicked or unable to cope.

Attend to your feelings when you say No. Do you feel embarrassed? Not part of the crowd? Fearful that you will lose a friend? Afraid that you will come off brusque or offensive? Weak? Ungrateful? Feel like a weenie? These feelings provide vital clues to underlying psychological vulnerabilities to your goals. Identify and challenge the negative self-talk.

One of our members, Monique, practiced in front of a mirror declining drinks and smokes. The next day, she creatively audiotaped herself saying no, and refined her presentation. She felt at times that saying no might result in her not having as much fun; she disputed this idea and realized it was an unfounded, but natural, fear. She also noticed that she hesitated when offered a drink, as though she was mulling it over and perhaps inviting encouragement. With practice, Monique’s response evolved into a firm and quick reply. She felt it, and she meant it.

After practicing inside your head, take it on the road with your helpers/change team. Ask them to practice with you by giving them a handful of problematic situations you are likely to encounter in the next two weeks. Virtually every goal has a corresponding skill set of saying no—drink refusal skills, conflict de-escalation, food refusal—and all are variants of advanced assertion training. Scores of research studies attest that practicing your firm but polite no’s in advance of real-life triggers improve your perseverance.

Give some thought about how you will respond to people who will probably tempt you. In the box below, write your responses and then practice it in your mind and then with a friend.