Porn and Masturbation Addiction Chats
Porn addiction, often coupled with compulsive masturbation, is the most common form of sexual addiction. It occurs when a person loses the ability to choose whether they will continue to view pornography. In short, if you have said, 'I don't want to look at porn anymore,' yet you return to it anyway, time and time again, you may be addicted to pornography.
Porn addiction often occurs in the absence of other issues, though many porn addicts also engage in other forms of non-intimate sexuality, including webcam sex, sexting, casual or anonymous sex, affairs, prostitution, exhibition and voyeurism (online or offline).
"Judgment Free Zone"
These are two topics that are often difficult and embarrassing for people to discuss. So, sensitivity is vital in assuring the member feels comfortable opening up. It can be beneficial to let the member know at the beginning of the conversation that your role as a listener is to listen and support, not judge. You can say something like: "Just so you know you are in a judgment free zone with me, so please free to speak openly." Best to phrase it in a way that is most comfortable for you.
NOTE: Conversations about pornography and masturbation can go in many different directions. As a listener if you are not comfortable with these conversations, it is best to tell the member before the conversation begins and offer to find another listener. If you do begin the conversation and then reach a point where you no longer feel comfortable, you still have the right to refer the member to another listener. Please make sure to be respectful to the member when you inform them that you will be finding them another listener.
Member Says it's a Problem than it's an Addiction
The member might not have a problem with pornography and/or masturbation that reaches the severity of being considered an addiction. However, that is not important, whether it is a problem or an addiction. What is important is that it is something the member is struggling with and should be respected and receives the same empathy as someone with a more severe addiction. Make sure not to diminish the feelings of the member. These topics are very difficult for a member to discuss and being told they don't really have a problem will embarrass the member and make them feel belittled.
No Assumptions
Due to the topic you might assume that the member is a straight male, however, that is often not the case. Please make sure not to assume the sex or sexual orientation of the member. Many studies have shown in recent years that the percentage of women watching pornography has tripled.
Mock Chat: Coping Methods
Listener: May I ask what have you tried to avoid succumbing to your urges?
Member: I have tried to go as long as I can without giving in and I can go a couple days, but then I'm right back to looking at porn and I end up watching more than I was before.
Listener: It sounds like you have been going in circles that must be so frustrating. May I ask, when do you typically watch porn and masturbate?
Member: Um, it is when I get home from school when I am home alone and right before I go to bed.
Listener: Oh okay, may I ask, what kind of things do you enjoy doing?
Member: Um, well I enjoying playing the violin, I like working out, and writing.
Listener: Oh you play the violin? I enjoy writing too. May I ask, do you think it would help if you played the violin, or worked out or did some writing at those times when you get the urge?
There are members who are using porn and/or masturbation as a coping method for other issues (like lack of intimacy, loneliness, depression etc).
Mock Chat: Coping Methods #2
Listener: May I ask what have you tried to avoid succumbing to your urges?
Member: I have been working out which really has seemed to help, but then I end up going back to the porn. I don't know it's so frustrating, I was doing well then I got in a big fight with my girlfriend.
Listener: I'm so sorry to hear that; I hope everything is okay with you and your girlfriend. May I ask do you often watch porn and masturbate when you get upset?
Member: Um, yes I would say that I do. Not to get too graphic, but it calms me down, it feels good and it gives me a release.
Listener: Oh okay, I understand. If you had to make an educated guess, would you say that porn and masturbation are your ways of coping with your problems?
Mock Chat: Access
Listener: May I ask how do you typically access pornography?
Member: I usually watch porn on my laptop when I'm home. It is so embarrassing, but when I am at work I look at porn on my phone. I just can't stop.
Listener: I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. You sound like you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated? May I ask do you think the easy access to pornography is a major obstacle?
Tips To Limit Access:
1. Get one of the apps for cell phones to block pornographic websites. Now the person will have the password. So, if someone wants to make sure they do not succumb to temptation, it could be suggested to use a password full of numbers and letters that they won't possibly remember.
2. Keep laptop, cell phone, all devices that can access porn, in a different room at night other than the bedroom.
3. Block all pornographic emails.
4. All pornographic material including pictures, magazines and movies must be removed from the home.
Mock Chat: Partner Has a Problem
Listener: How may I help you today?
Member: My husband spends all his time on the computer looking at porn and I catch him in the shower all the time doing.... well you know what. It makes me feel so bad about myself, like why does he watch that when he has me?
Listener: I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine the impact it has had on your self-esteem? May I ask have you talked to your husband about how it makes you feel when he watches porn and when you catch him in the shower?
Some General Chat Tips:
- Members often find it helpful to write out a list of the reasons of why they want to quit watching porn and/or masturbation. This list will include the harmful impact of the addiction. Then write a second list of all the positive changes the member wants to see when they overcome their addiction.
- It is helpful to follow the lead of the member as far as language. If the member doesn't get too specific or use exact/graphic terms, I don't either unless there is no other option.
- Due to the subject matter, the member at times will get flustered or self-conscious. When this happens, I will tell the member to take a deep breath, gather their thoughts and I am here for them when they are ready to continue.
- Inappropriate comments can occur when discussing sexual issues. When the first comment is made that I feel is inappropriate I ignore it, and continue on with the discussion. When the comment is not acknowledged, the member usually understands to not continue down that path. The second time an inappropriate comment happens, I will ignore it again. But after a third comment, in a respectful manner, I let the member know that those comments were not appreciated and please keep it appropriate. Sometimes the member didn't even realize they were being inappropriate. However, if another comment happens after my warning is made, I end the chat immediately and block the member. It is best to handle the situation as you see fit, but please be respectful and professional.