Not Giving Advice: Example Member Scenario

Are you responding in a non-judgmental manner, and not advising or convincing the member what to do? 

It is not our role as listeners to tell the member what to do, because they know their situation best. Instead, we want to be supportive and non-judgmental. We want to help the member figure out how to help themselves. One great way is to ask questions about how they feel about a certain situation, or to ask them what ideas or solutions they might be able to think of.

Example Member Scenario: I like my friend a lot. He's sweet, and caring, and always knows how to make people laugh. I don't think he has any idea how I feel for him though. 

Awful: Oh my gosh, you need to tell him. Tell him what you like about him and ask him if he feels the same way. Then he'll know!! 

This response is very directly and clearly giving advice. Not only is it telling the member what to do, but also how to do it. We don't want to do that! 

Mediocre: Have you talked to him about it? 

This response asks the member if she has talked to him about it, which isn't direct advice. However, it's sort of indirect advice in a way, because it's indirectly asking the member to talk about it to him. 

Good: What do you think would happen if you talked to your friend about how you felt? 

This response is good because it asks the member for her thoughts and opinions. It asks her to put herself in a possible scenario, and then think about and explain how she would feel in that scenario. It also gives her an opportunity to think about the possible outcomes. By asking an open-ended question like this in a non-judgmental way, you give the member an opportunity to come up with ideas and decisions for herself. 

Exemplary: What has your friend done that has made you think he is unaware of your feelings towards him? Do you think that letting your friend know your feelings would be a good thing, or how do you think it would affect your connection? (Note: might split these questions up into multiple responses rather than asking all at once) 

This question goes a step further to ask very specific questions to help the member process and figure out her thoughts. It's helpful to start by talking about something concrete, such as what her friend has done, so that you can learn more about the situation and be objective. It's also a good idea to ask the member how she thinks various choices would play out -- would it help her in a positive way or might there be consequences that would be good to think about? 

I hope that we can all help each other grow and strive towards the exemplary answers, so that we can best support our wonderful members. <3