"Improving your Communication with Assertive Skills!" Growth Path Notes

What is assertive communication? 

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest, and direct way.

It recognizes our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others.

It allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

 

Assertiveness Skills: Step One 

1. Be Factual About What You Don't Like

When approaching someone about a behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done, rather than using negative labels or words that convey judgments. For example:

Situation: Your friend, who habitually runs late, has shown up 20 minutes late for a lunch date.

Inappropriate (aggressive) response: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."

Assertive communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50." 

Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative. In this situation, don't assume that your friend deliberately arrived late because they didn't want to come or because they value their own time more than yours.

 

Assertiveness Skills: Step Two 

2. Don't Judge or Exaggerate

Being factual about what you don't like in someone's behavior, without overdramatizing or judging, is an important start. The same is true for describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label, or judge; just describe:

Inappropriate response: “Now, lunch is ruined.”

Assertive communication: “Now, I have less time to spend at lunch because I still need to be back to work by 1:00.”

 

Assertiveness Skills: Step Three 

3. Use “I" Messages

When you start a sentence with “You...”, it comes off as a judgment or an attack and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I,” the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior.

Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions and less blame. This helps minimize defensiveness in the other person, and moves you both toward positive change. For example:

You Message: “You need to stop that!”

I Message: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions. It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view.

 

Assertiveness Skills: Formula for Communication

 

Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:

“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”

For example: “When you yell, I feel attacked.”

When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. 

 

When approaching this communication style, try to think win-win: See if you can find a compromise or a way for you both to get your needs met. In the case of the always-late friend, maybe a different meeting place would help them be on time. Or you can choose to make plans only at times when your schedule is more open and their lateness won't cause as much stress to you.

 

 

Walk the Steps of the Growth Path here