Making suggestions as a Listener: Overcoming the Dilemma
Short Answer:
Often it's hard to determine how we can use our life's learnings to help people if we can't give advice. No fear, though - we can give suggestions instead! How this works is instead of saying, 'I think you should try this, it's really helped me', you could say, 'I know something that's really helped me in the past with this, do you think that's something you'd like to try?' Different things work for different people though so no worries if not!
Elaborate Answer:
When you give advice, you're basically telling the member, albeit indirectly, that they should do exactly as you say because you know for sure that it will work out. Of course, none of this is true: You have no clue whether your advice is going to be beneficial for the member or not, and there's no reason why the member *must* adhere to your personal opinion on their personal issues.
And that's the dilemma of every listener. How do I simply suggest something to a member without imposing it on them? How can I let the member know that there is a potential solution which may be helpful to them without pressuring them to accept it? Is there any way I can help a member see a possibly beneficial method to handle their situation without falling into the trap of giving advice?
Let us consider an example so that you can observe the principles we will use in suitably offering a suggestion to the member and then you can apply those principles to whatever scenario you encounter.
The example we'll be using is a member informing you that they're having trouble getting themselves to study for their exams. As the chat progresses and you learn more about the member's problem, you can't help but believe that they'd find studying much easier if they start by making a weekly study plan. However, you remember the golden rule of never giving advice, and you find yourself confused as to how you can make this suggestion without imposing it on the member. Here are the three key steps to follow:
Step 1: Review.
The first thing you'd want to be certain of is that the member hasn't tried your suggestion yet. This is why we can begin by asking: "What have you done so far to try to get yourself to study?"
It helps you as a listener understand what this member has been doing in an attempt to improve their situation, and it can serve as a quick review for the member on what has worked and what hasn't worked for them so far. Even better, it ensures to the member that now, because you've asked this question, you know very well that they've been trying hard to handle their problem. Many a times, before coming to 7 Cups, members will have already attempted at least one thing to resolve the issue. Well, I've asked my friend if we can study together every Friday, but I feel like this is just putting more pressure on me.
Step 2: Explore.
You could be thinking now: Since the member hasn't already tried making a weekly study plan, surely, I can suggest it now, right?
Not so fast.
Sometimes, members don't attempt certain solutions, not because they haven't thought of them at all, but because they've already considered these ideas and simply found them to be highly unlikely to do any good.
For example, in our scenario, maybe the member has already thought of making a study plan, but they've decided not to go through with it because they had already tried it in the past and it simply didn't work for them.
This is why we strongly recommend asking: "Besides finding a study partner, what else have you been considering? What do you have in mind right now?"
By asking this, not only you're giving the member complete freedom and control over finding solutions to their problems, but you're also telling them that you value their thoughts on the several options available.
When you ask this sort of question which provokes the member to explore new options, you will often find members coming up with new suggestions themselves during the chat: Well, I'm not really sure, but I guess sleeping better would definitely help. Actually, thinking about it now, I only manage to study well after a good night's sleep.
Guiding members to exploring their problems is so much more rewarding for them than to simply be told what to do, even if your suggestion would be helpful. Remember: The member carries constructive thoughts and feelings as their personal garden, and you're only here to help them water it. Give them the chance to come up with their own solutions and enjoy their own personal growth!
Step 3: Suggest.
If the member still hasn't mentioned the idea that you've been thinking of, you can now safely make your suggestion - remember, not advice.
But what's the difference?
The trick here is in affirming to the member that their feelings and thoughts on this suggestion, not yours, are what decide if they should do it or not. We can do this by asking: How do you feel about setting up a weekly study plan? Do you think it would help or not? We can also follow up with another open-ended question: Why do you think this would/wouldn't help your studying progress?
You will likely observe the member delving into the pros and cons of your suggestion. Hmm, that's actually a good idea. I guess I can use some structure for my exam preparation. But honestly, it would only make me feel worse if I made a plan and didn't manage to stick to it.
And that's it! The three simple steps is your way to make suggestions to members without causing the negative consequences of giving advice.