Handling Grief Chats

It's often hard to know what to say to someone who has lost someone close to them. Bereavement chats don't often pop up on 7cups, but when they do, we often find they're referred to someone else, because we're not sure how to deal with it. How do we handle the chat? We might feel scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting the person even more. This is why we have written this guide to help you handle Grief Chats.

The following is extremely helpful when you have a bereavement chat:

• Just listen to them, they don't want any expert grief counsellor, sometimes just hearing 'I'm here for you' is the best four words of the day. Whatever they want to speak about, listen, and keep listening.
• Ask them if they want to speak about who they've lost; we don't mean to ask 'How did they die?'. More like: 'How did you meet?'; 'Would you like to share some memories?'; 'What nice thing reminds you of them?'.
• Remind them it's normal to feel whatever they're feeling: angry, upset, scared, stressed, relieved. Big emphasis on the relieved part: A lot of people who have witnessed their loved ones battling an illness often feel quite relieved when their loved ones suffering has ended, which then causes guilt. It doesn't mean they wanted them to die in any way.
• They don't need to rush things. If they didn't get out of their pyjamas today, congratulate them on getting out of bed; it's extremely difficult to get out of bed sometimes.
• They aren't going to get over it quickly, your chat isn't going to make them better, they're not going to leave your chat and feel really happy all of a sudden. It's hard, but it's the reality, they're likely feeling numb. Try not to feel downhearted at the fact you haven't cured them. Remember you're just here to listen.

What to say and what not to say?

We know this is something a lot of people do struggle with, how do you say the right thing? What if you say the wrong thing? Honestly speaking, there is no right and wrong thing, but the following are a list of helpful things to say:

• 'I'm sorry to hear about _____ passing, would you like to speak about what's happened? This is your space to speak about as much or as little as you want to, I'm here to support you throughout this hard road you're on.'
• 'I wish I could find the right words to say to be able to help, but I know nothing I can say could possibly shift the pain you're feeling, but I do want you to know I'm here for you.'
• 'I understand how hard this is for you, I went through a similar situation with _____Who do you have around you supporting you through this?'

What not to say?

• 'She is in a better place now, with no more suffering'- This statement often comes back with 'But they should be with me', or something along that lines. This is also when people start to feel guilty, because they want the person back, but they know they suffered.
• 'They did die ___years back, surely you should be dealing with this better now'- There is no time limit on grief, some people learn to deal with grief in months, some in 10+ years, and some never overcome it.
• 'She was such a good person god wanted them back'- Firstly, is the person even religious? Secondly, this could lead them to think more that the person was a good person and that's what makes them want them back even more.

Do:

• Encourage the person to talk. 
• Listen to the person. 
• Create an environment in which the bereaved person can be themselves and show their feelings, rather than having to put on a front. 
• Be aware that grief can take a long time.

Don't:

• Avoid someone who has been bereaved. 
• Use clichés such as 'I understand how you feel'; 'You'll get over it ; 'Time heals'. 
• Tell them it's time to move on, they should be over it - how long a person needs to grieve is entirely individual. 
• Underestimate how emotionally draining it can be when supporting a grieving person. Make sure you take care of yourself too.

7cups Self-Help Guide on Grief: https://www.7cups.com/grief/ 

Original post here by @HelpfullOwl, send them a thanks!