Handling Abuse, Assault and Domestic Violence Chats
Trigger warning: There are references within this post to sexual abuse, assault, and domestic violence but there is no detail thereof.
One of the most common questions we get in the Listener Support room is how to deal with chats relating to sexual assault, abuse and domestic violence and how to respond to these members straight off the bat. So it would be helpful to have a list of useful questions for you to ask which can help you as a listener to be more prepared for these chats but will also ensure that the member is as safe as possible.
❶ Are you in a safe place right now?
★ If YES, then I continue with my questions.
★ If NO, or MAYBE, then I explore a little further saying something like, "I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling unsafe. Your safety is my number one priority, may I ask if the person who hurt you is with you right now, even if not in the same room?" This will help to clarify whether the member is in immediate danger or whether they are safe physically from harm but just feeling unsafe generally because reaching out can be scary and leave one feeling extremely vulnerable. It's worth noting that in many cases of abuse and assault, the perpetrator is known to the victim so it is common that the perpetrator is living in the same property as the member or at least visits there frequently. If the perpetrator is still around, in the same room or in the same property at the time of the chat it would be appropriate to suggest to them to contact you at a different time or from a different location, if possible. This is because the member could be at great risk if the perpetrator finds them talking about the abuse on the phone or online.
❷ Are you aware of computer safety and privacy and do you know how to delete your history and cookies?
★ If YES, then I continue with the chat.
★ If NO, then I ask if it's okay to run very quickly through the basics of computer safety. This is particularly important if the perpetrator has access to their computer. Computers store a lot of information about the websites you visit, emails and instant messages you send, web-based phone calls you make, and many other activities. If they think for any reason that their computer may not be safe due to Spyware, Keystroke Logging, Viruses, or someone monitoring their computer use in some other way, it is worth considering finding a safer computer, perhaps at a trusted friend's house, a library or an internet café. If they absolutely have to use their personal computer it's worth remembering the keyboard commands for quickly closing their browser window:
Windows: ALT Key and F4
Mac: APPLE Key and W
You can also share with the member this resource about web browsing safety: https://www.rainn.org/articles/safe-web-browsing
❸ Do you have any other concerns regarding safety and computer privacy?
★ If NO, then I continue with the chat. If YES, then we revisit the above and any other questions or concerns they might have.
❹ Continuing on with the chat
How you continue with the chat from here depends entirely on the member, how they are feeling, and how comfortable they are with sharing any detail with you. The MOST important thing to remember when dealing with any member who has experienced abuse or assault of any kind is to make them feel empowered to make their own decisions. Let them know that they are in control of the chat as well as the pace of the conversation; if they need to step away and take a breather they can do so and that, where possible, you will be there with them so that they can continue when they are ready.
It is not always easy to listen and know what to say when someone tells you that they have been abused or assaulted but here are a few important things:
● Believe them – people rarely lie about abuse and assault and it's important to believe what they are saying.
● Respect their feelings and decisions.
● It's not their fault – no-one asks for abuse and no-one deserves it – the blame always lies with the perpetrator.
● Communicate without judgment - It is important to be accepting of the way they are reacting, even if this is not what you are expecting. It is best to get rid of any ideas you may have of how a person who has been abused should behave and accept their reactions as normal. This is especially important if, for example, the member is angry and is taking it out on you. Do not take this personally, they are reacting in the only way they know how to right now.
● Recognise the courage it takes to reach out for help – remind them that they are strong for coming here to speak to us.
● Be patient – it can take weeks, months or even years for a trauma survivor to be able to open up. There is no timetable for recovery from trauma.
● Empower them - It helps to understand that abuse and violence leaves people with feelings of powerlessness and loss of control about their lives.
A member may have their own questions about what has happened to them and may want to explore these with you. It is very important that they make up their own mind and find their own truth about what has happened to them, and make their own decisions from it.
● Avoid pressurizing them to engage in activities that they are not ready to do yet.
● Encourage them to practice good self-care during this difficult time. Here is a link explaining how they may go about doing this: https://rainn.org/articles/self-care-after-trauma
● Discuss a Safety Plan: For members who are suffering ongoing abuse and assault and who don't seem to have a way out at present, it's useful to talk about and discuss a safety plan with them. Again, it is important to ask them first if this is something they would find helpful and if so, then you can explore this with them. You can share this link to discuss ideas with them for putting a safety plan in place: https://www.rainn.org/articles/safety-planning
● Make suggestions by all means to them that you have including resources, hotlines, online support groups and reading material that might be helpful but assure them that the decision is entirely theirs and that they can access this help when and if they feel ready to do so.
Useful Resources for members:
Online Chat help:
Live chat help for Sexual Assault Victims and their friends and families
Support and Resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse:
◆ Pandys
◆ The Courage to be Me by Nina Burrowes - this is a free online book - it is a story of courage, self-compassion, and hope after sexual abuse.
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