Surprise sexism in hetero relationships
I'm wondering how other women deal with male partners when they say surprising sexist things in long term relationships. For context I thought the guy I was dating had very similar ideals about feminism to me, very pro choice, prosexuality, etc. But I've noticed he will say stuff that just feel so outdated. Example being yesterday while complaining about a coworker he called her a tramp. When I brought how it bothered me he agreed he wouldnt use words like that around me but still gave reasons why he thought it was an appropriate word to use in the moment. Though we found some compromise the interaction left a bad taste in my mouth. Have any of you dealt with things like this? How did you handle it?
@BlueMel I can understand why you’d be feeling unsettled right now. It’s really disheartening when someone we care about uses language or expresses views that are outdated or disrespectful, especially when we thought we shared similar values. It’s important to acknowledge that sexism, in any form, is unacceptable and shouldn’t be tolerated.
@MindfulJourney22
Im mostly just dealing with a lot of confusion. I've struggled a lot in my adult relationships with the idea compatibility in relationships and where lines need to be drawn. I've had issues with being far to forgiving in relationships and now I'm trying to find that middle ground between accepting peoples shortcomings without compromising my own beliefs, very tricky
@BlueMel
Thank you for the conversation. Actually, I was a little bit critical to myself for joining this tread at all. I expected it could be painful. And it was. But it gave me some additional insight into my life.
Seeing what you wrote above, you must be a thoughtful person, and I believe you know very well what you are going to do. I keep my fingers crossed for it 🙂
I hope you find courage and wisdom in telling your partner about the things that can make you feel hurt or insecure, with a benefit to your relationship.
Take care! 😊
@BlueMel Hello. You may not like what I am going to say, but from my experience one of the most important things in a relationship is to be aware of the fact that MY PARTNER IS NOT ME, so even when we share some core values, he (or she) should be granted some margin for error - and the right to be NOT perfect.
I am sorry, but I am not a native English speaker, so I cannot imagine all the negative associations with the word you mentioned.
However, I believe that being too strict to another person in some circumstances might be regarded as some kind of being passively aggressive, too. Nobody has the right to judge others, and certainly I would feel offended if somebody called me or my views 'outdated'.
It is OK to tell to your partner when something he tells makes you feel hurt or insecure, and to expect him to be caring. But in my mother tongue there is a saying "Wolisz mieć rację, czy relację?", what essentially means that being always right is the privilege of lonely people.
@jacek73
I appreciate the feedback, I try very hard to be understanding towards other peoples views, to the point of where I've had issues with NOT sharing my discomfort in relationships. But when I try to hold in the things that bother me too long it bubbles over in other ways and people have gotten mad at me for not speaking up about my feelings sooner. I only was trying to be vocal with my partner that something he said was kind of gross, I dont think this makes him a terrible person but its worrying to hear someone say a phrases that have been hurtful to people like me and only double down when its adressed.
@BlueMel Thank you for the explanations, they put some new light on the situation you described.
I understand it must be not easy for you to work out the right balance now, if you used to suffer in silence and say nothing in the past.
Of course, when a man shows his contempt or hatred to women in general, that would be a serious warning. Personally, I would not waste a minute with a partner who hates my gender.
I think we all desire the same thing: not to hurt anybody, and not to be hurt.
@jacek73
I did adress it very kind to him, I'm just being a bit more frank on here since I can only fit so much context within a chat reply. I spent hours while he was at work figuring out how to bring it up in a calm and respectful way. I know I hold some baggage from previous relationships but I male patience and understanding a priority when talking to my partners. I'm just frustrated
@jacek73 I understand where you’re coming from, but I’d like to clarify a few points. When someone uses a sexist insult, it reflects broader societal disrespect toward all women, not just an isolated incident. It’s essential to recognize that such comments contribute to a larger pattern of harm and should not be dismissed or tolerated, even if they’re not directed at you personally.
Addressing these issues openly is crucial, and women don’t need to respond with warmth and love, especially when dealing with disrespect.
Regarding your experience of being “punished” by women who have faced trauma: it’s important to understand that their reactions are not about punishing you but are rooted in their own deep pain. Their reactions are a reflection of their trauma and should be approached with empathy, not judgment.
It seems there might be some gaslighting happening here. Dismissing or minimizing women’s reactions undermine their feelings and experiences, which is harmful. It’s important to listen to and understand the impact of such remarks rather than defending oneself or shifting the focus away from the harm caused.
@BlueMel
There is a difference between having shared beliefs and similar values especially if you made that determination by generic or broad overall topics or views as there is always outliers.
I will say in the last year i met a friend........ they had previously had ONLY friends that were in same frame of thought/ same broad opinions nothing to talk of but an echo chamber. you do not learn or grow that way, viewing everyone else is wrong. Or looking for things to be offended about.
We had chats about many things and even though we agree on many core things we both could share other views and takes on an item from our own experience...Friend had opinions on items they knew zero about but the echo chamber told them they see it this way.
Friend told me "the challenge of seeing things from different perspectives was engaging and made them think more instead of their normal just nodding their head interaction " some things made them uneasy or they wanted to push back on but they instead learned to agree to disagree on some points and still be friends not label someone or things just to feel like you are RIGHT.
@toughTiger6481
Id reccomend reading my reply to that previous commenter but I do try incredibly hard to hear out other peoples opinions and beliefs. I agree that it's not good to be stuck in an echo chamber and when my partner has been critical of me I try so hard to listen and adjust my point of view accordingly. I'm just confused because I dont feel that same grace was given towards me? I'm not trying to word police but how am I supposed to understand someone's core values if I dont question behavior that I think is inappropriate?? I have always had a habit of letting things my partners things slide only to realize it was a red flag for worse behavior down the line.
@BlueMel I've definitely dealt with moments like this in the past, and it can be tough to navigate. What’s helped me is being very clear about my boundaries and why certain words or attitudes are harmful—not just to me, but to women in general.
It’s okay to feel upset, and it’s also okay to take your time to process how you feel about it. You deserve to feel heard and respected in your relationship, and sometimes conversations like this are necessary to gauge if your partner’s values truly align with yours. Keep speaking up for yourself, and don’t feel guilty for expecting better. ❤️
@Mya000
Thank you for this thoughtful reply. I am trying to keep in mind that he genuinely wasnt trying to be hurtful but harmful sexist beliefs are so ingrained into our culture/society that I think it's really worth calling it out when its noticed. We all say/do things wrong sometimes I just wish men would have a little bit more patience to try and understand why stuff like this is harmful rather than just jumping into defensiveness.
@BlueMel You're welcome. I totally understand where you're coming from. It can be really difficult to know if someone is genuinely trying to learn or just brushing things off. Having good intentions is important, but it doesn’t erase the harm caused. I agree—it’s crucial to call these things out, but they also need to be willing to listen. It feels unfair when we are the ones impacted and yet they get defensive, when the focus should be on understanding rather than protecting their pride.
@Mya000
Exactly! I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that they have good intentions but sometimes that just seems to lead to excusing behavior that can or should be criticized. I understand that things cant just change overnight but I feel like a lot of guys-somewhat understandably- dont do a lot of research into these things since it doesnt affect them. It's a very tricky subject and doesnt help that it's so wrapped up in everyone's personal emotions, on both sides really.
I deal with these issues the same way I deal with all relationship issues - open communication, assertiveness about my perspective and understanding about my partner’s.
I expect my fiancé to deal with these issues the same exact way, as he (almost) always has. The most vital part of someone’s character is how they respond to new information or feedback - NOT what they knew coming in. Anyone can say ignorant things, but if they defend it like their life depends on it, there’s real trouble.
My fiance had an ex FWB. One day I overheard him on call with his friends while we were both home, calling this ex FWB all sorts of sexist names. I confronted him about it after. I knew the story - he was just as much to blame as she was but somehow he "lost all respect for her" because of her relationship to him specifically (aka sexual)…
He explained that he used those words about a woman he doesn’t respect, not because he doesn’t respect women. I counter with the fact that he judged a woman’s entire worth five years later, solely due to their personal relationship that he took just as much of a part in. Back and forth and back and forth, then we come to "I just didn’t think about it like that, you’re right."
Sigh… But I forgive him, because he’s always open to having his opinions challenged and when he sees where I’m coming from, he never makes the same mistake twice. And because we have such long, detailed and open conversations, I know exactly where this stuff comes from. So I can trust that he’s not sexist, he’s just not used to second guessing the casual insults that his friends use in private (and as an introvert, he’s not exactly itching to renovate his 5 friends lol).
If he were the sort that dodges every question, acts shady and says "I don’t care" to any convo beyond surface level, we wouldn’t have lasted. I couldn’t stand a partner like that, especially when it comes to the important conversations.