Struggling to communicate with husband

@carefulSailboat231

it is hard ... very hard to get and know someone really HEARD and comprehended what you are saying......... without that communication is difficult .......

IMO most husbands do not want to talk in front of others........ the idea of counseling or therapy is always suggested but for many.........the reality is if you cannot find the words and communicate together,,,,,,,, adding a person watching them is not going to help. Especially if they believethat person will agree they are not taking in what you are trying to tell them.

@toughTiger6481 My husband and I attend marriage therapy. Sometimes I think it is helpful and then other times I feel like I am wasting my breath. It all depends on if your husband really wants to work on the things that are important in your lives, If he is then things can and will change. If he isn't 100% into working on the issue in your lives that are important and need to change, I have found, at least for me, that if he isn't willing to work on things, I start feeling a great hurt in my heart. I guess that the whole thing about marriage counseling is that if he isn't sold on going then only part of what you want or need to change may not happen. Then we have to decide if we can live with the outcome. I hope you don't blame yourself for things that are not going the way you want them to. You can only do so much and then it is in his ball court. Sending you good energy and I pray that things will change for you and your husband. ❤️

@Judy7

I agree since my husband is fake around others i KNOW we would never get to the heart of issues....

i did many advice podcast and videos lately as well and some of the counselors horror stories i am not willing to pay for that ever.

I want that so bad but don't know how to tell him. I need help.

@carefulSailboat231 I can understand its v hard for you. Understanding is v important in relationships. There is no relation without understanding love and care. He is your husband so try to talk openly and friendly with him it will make your relation stronger

hello! that sounds like it would be very upsetting. i think something important to remember is that the roadblock isn't always your ability to communicate -- a large part of communication involves active listening from the other party! don't feel bad about your hard work with your communication skills; be proud that you've recognized there needs to be a change & that you've put in the work!

I’m in the similar shoes, and still struggling every day myself. It is so hard sometimes I just want to give up on this relationship. My lesson learned is not to “communicate” when we get emotional and defensive. It will only get worse. My husband also complained to me that I was not hearing him when I feel he was the one not understanding me. I have to remind myself most of the time the so called “ communicate” in our head is actually “ trying to make my partner accepting my idea” in disguise.

@Green5678

"not to “communicate” when we get emotional and defensive. It will only get worse. My husband also complained to me that I was not hearing him when I feel he was the one not understanding me. I have to remind myself most of the time the so called “ communicate” in our head is actually “ trying to make my partner accepting my idea” in disguise."

this is gold. you hit it on the head! i should print it and put on the wall...

SOmetimes my wife and I disagree on very simple things. Sesame Street simple, like the difference between inside and outside . They say marriage is work . But it seems more like a serious medical condition sometimes.

It can be hard and hurtful sometimes but it's so important. I hope you two can help each other understand a little better.

@carefulSailboat231 Hi. I recommend this book highly, “Feeling Good Together” by Dr. David Burns. It has worked wonders in my relationships and was much better than couples therapy. This is just my take, even though the title might sound like an exercise that you share with your partner, I would suggest you read it through and do the exercises by yourself rather. You can use the techniques without announcing that you’re going to use them. It isn’t a book that tells you each to agree on something like, “We’re going to communicate using ‘I feel’ statements.” It’s absolutely brilliant, I hope you check it out.

— All the best

@helpfulAvocado7912

i did the feeling good book a while ago and it was a good start but no cure. i need to try the together version. thanks for mentioning.

i did couples therapy and didn't do all that much. individual therapy worked better for me, but the therapist decided that i should do couples therapy instead. i stopped seeing that therapist. YMMV...

@LostTurtle22 I have a book with a workbook that is call How We Love. There are a lot of good things in it to help with your marriage. The book works better if you can get your husband on board to also read the book and do the work sheets. My husband started but it didn't last to long so I keep working at it with my therapist until she moved to a different city. I still pick it up once in a while when I get discouraged and try to do things on my own. My husband and I attend Couples therapy also. We only go once a month because my therapist doesn't have any times open so I give up one of my individual session to do couple. Once the summer is over and she is done with the equine therapy we ill more than likely have a time each week that isn't my time with her. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.

@Judy7

great! I'll look up the book. i have so many books on psychology and relationships, so one more can't hurt, LOL.

in our case, we both have a history traumas and the way we try to communicate (i guess learned in our own dysfunctional families of origin), triggers various fears and resentments in each other. it's like walking on eggshells and not being open/authentic.